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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by erjan, Aug 4, 2009.

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  1. erjan

    erjan Active Member


    Things aren't well. I want to try again, after almost two years... I live close to a gas station, I could easily get some shit to, you know, drink, and then, you know...

    I am so close to do it... My mind is exploding, my stomach is turning... My anxiety won't end, I feel like throwing up.

    But then I logged on here....
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome back to the forum.

    Whats causing your anxiety to be so bad?

    Whats triggered the suicidal thoughts again? :hug:

    Hope you feel better soon x
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you logged on. What's causing you to want to die?
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Glad you did. Keep talking hun let others know what has been going on and is going on to trigger all this. You've got lots of ears here that will listen. So....
  5. erjan

    erjan Active Member

    Thanks, Doll.

    I just don't know... I want to be cared for, and to care for someone. But I dont mean anything to people... :-/

    GAH! I'm so emo.

    Thing is. I don't have a life. I have been off sick for the past two years, hospitalized (psychiatric ones) so many times I've lost count, and I would not want to go there again. This time, it's finito.

    Talked to the doc today on the phone. He asked me if I was suicidal, and I said yes. He got me an appointment next Wednesday (!!!!)


    I don't know what I stand... Maybe I'll just go soon.

    What's triggered this? I don't know... It's juyst a wish right now. To let go... to go away... to sleep.
  6. erjan

    erjan Active Member

    Thanks for your support peeps...
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Well you've done the right thing by coming here and calling your doctor.
    Make sure you tell your doc exactly how you feel,so they can give you the treatment you need. Write it down if it will be easier that way.
    Try and hang on til next wednesday,hope we can help you make it x
  8. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    We are here for you. Hang in there :hug:
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not emo. You're just struggling, going through a really rough time. But you've done the right thing, by calling your doc and then coming here. Keep talking to us, and do your best to hold on. We're all here to help!
  10. erjan

    erjan Active Member

    Uhm, so I went to the gas station. You're gonna hate me...

    I still kinda want someone to stop me, before I do something... just not anybody, someone special, to prove something i guess... but thats not gonna happen...
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't know you, and so I'm sure I'm not the person you want to stop you. But either way, I really hope you don't do anything. You can PM me anytime if you need to talk. PLEASE try to hold on.
  12. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member


    Is there a crisis line you could call or someone close to you that you could call?
    Did you pick something up at the gas station you shouldn't have?
  13. erjan

    erjan Active Member

    I can't hold on... it's too painful. :mellow:

    I just...

    Yeah, I bought a drink, and some other stuff you shouldn't drink.

    I haven't drunk anything yet, it just stands there before me.
  14. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    You need to pick up the phone and either:

    a) Call your local emergency number
    b) Call crisis
    c)Call someone ie. friend, family, or whoever
    d)Go to the emergency room
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What's causing you so much pain?

    I agree with Silverkoi; you need to get yourself some help!
  16. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    PM me if you want erjan.
  17. erjan

    erjan Active Member

    Thanks everyone, I am calmer now... And exhausted. I will sleep.

    I'll log back in tomorrow.
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hope today is going a little better!!!
  19. erjan

    erjan Active Member

    So I went to the hospital emergency room and talked to an angelic woman.

    In front of her I sat... my heart crying out... with my arms crossed and my eyes turned to the clinically clean floor... With my eyes, as I spoke, I formed patterns of dots on the floor, to keep myself sane...

    “I just want you to help me...” said I...

    “Do you want to stay the night here?”

    Foolishly I said “No”. But I hate being in there...

    So she let me go home... I walked my way home... Catching my breath every two minutes...

    What's happened with me? I used to be able to walk for hours without problems, but everything is so difficult...

    I spoke to mum and dad the other day. I'm going to them for a few days this week. Will bbe good I hope. My brother turns 18... will celebrate the happy him... I miss him. I love him. I miss my mother and my father. I love you so much.

    So why do I want to separate myself from those I love, from this world that holds me so dear? I cannot fathom that... Nor understand...

    I just hate being me. The way I act, look, behave, seem...

    I want to share my life with someone, to be held, to hold... to be loved, to love... to share... But that cannot be... It will never happen.

    How many guys are there out there that would want a psycho like me?

    I mean... I'm sure I haven't met more than 30 (!) ever of androphile guys out there in the world... So how am I supposed to find someone to ease this loneliness in my heart...

    I remember the words of my mum and dad when I asked for advice...

    “Isn't our love for you enough? Why would you need a boyfriend...?”

    And I don't know... I love them so much, but...

    I don't have many friends... No one I can confide in... I just... just... feel so lonely... And that's why I want to enter the nirvana of my own...
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have friends your brother mother and father all love you. Why you stay alone depression does that it pushes everyone away dam depression
    You need to tell your doctor whats happening change up your medication a bit talk about what it is you want and need and get doctor to help you with skills to do just that. Good for you going to emerg dept to get help next time just stay a few nights so they can help you a bit more okay Keep talking here too we are your friends here to as well.
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