Discussion in 'Welcome' started by DBH, Aug 3, 2011.

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  1. DBH

    DBH Member

    Hey, i was looking for a place to vent my feelings and google suggested this forum. I hope im in the right place!

    Im 22 years old, ive been feeling quite depressed for a good few years now, but lately its been worse. It culminated in my first suicide attempt few weeks ago, sparing you the details i overdosed on medication i knew should have killed me, but it didnt work. I took nearly 10x the amount it normally requires for these pills, i was in a bad state, but i woke up in hospital even though docs believed id be in a coma for 20 days at best, but 10 hrs after my attempt i was awake. Don't really know how i feel about that... my friends and family called it a miracle, i just saw it as another failure on my behalf...

    To cut a long story short, it started when i was 16, my dad had been diagnosed with a chronic disease and it changed our family completely. He stopped working, became angry and took it out on his family. As i was the eldest i got the brunt of it, it wasnt just verbal abuse but all the pressure added on, i was at college studying full time, i had to go out and get a part time job as well to keep the family afloat, i studied during the weekdays and worked on evenings and weekend. My life became a chore then... my father made it clear he may not be around for long and i would have to man up and be ready and his eyes i wasnt.

    I'd always considered myself a happy guy, up until 16 that is, id felt sad and down but nothing like that. I began to feel helpless and although i had family and friends around i found it hard to explain what i was going through, until i just stopped trying. I use to have a good relationship with my mother who i use to be able to talk to but she became depressed to and i couldnt talk to her about what i was going through because it brought her down.

    I started to drink quite heavily at 16, trying to blunten out the thoughts and sadness, but it never lasted long cos ud sober up, so i tried to stay drunk 24/7. That got me no where as i woke up one day in hospital with alcohol poisoning, wake up to a nurse telling me how stupid i'd been, etc etc. But that didnt stop me really.

    But somehow i managed to muddle through the years, in the beginning i thought the depression and sadness would be temporary and id get bk to normal soon, there were even times in those moments where i was but it never lasted long and when it came bk it was always worse.

    Over the past few years, ive found my thoughts are getting worse and worse, on the day i attempted my suicide i remembering thinking i had become so small and insignificant no one would notice me going...

    i just find it so bizarre i have ended up here feeling like this... i always beleved i was unbreakable... then i broke... i once believed i was strong... then i crumbled... i was the one who always laughed it off... now i dont... i was the one who never stopped trying... now ive just given up on it all

    Anyway sorry for the long ass winded story, i just needed a place to vent... sorry if i've posted this on the wrong section of the forum... thanks for reading... tc

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Sid and so glad you found us...having to grow up so quickly, with so much pressure placed on you can be truly traumatic...please know that you were a child at that time, and you were doing your best...and you were left with your sadness about your dad and family, and made to become an adult...you are neither small nor insignificant, you are depressed and in pain...have you sought any intervention to assist you in dealing with your feelings? You deserve to feel OK and should become a strong advocate for you to get the care you need...welcome again and please PM me if I can be there to support you...J
  3. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    One sinks to the lowest of lows before one can rise up to the next level.
    (Mind your friends though, don't alienate them. You will need them in life.)

    Oh, welcome to the forums! :D
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi DBH,

    First of all, welcome to SF! =] Hope you find this place quite helpful! :)

    Secondly, I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your lengthy introduction. Thanks for sharing. :hugtackles: For me, it all started at age 16 too, so I can relate somewhat.

    And last but not least, I'm glad you recovered 10 hours and not 20 days after your OD.

    Take care and see you around SF,

  5. DBH

    DBH Member

    hey guys, thanks for the welcome.

    I have tried interventions, ive been on anti-d's in the past but stopped cos they didnt help. Becos of my lil episode im currently seeing a councillor, who with all her best intentions aint really helping, i find i end up leaving more confused and worried after an hr with her then i do before i go in.

    Im glad theres some of you who can relate, i hope i get to read ur stories too, might make me feel like im not a complete nutjob lol
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi DBH glad to see you reaching out here hun. If you councillor is not working out can you ask for a different one or if not let her know how confused you do feel after the sessions okay. Let her know they are not helping but harming you more so she can change her approach h ugs
  7. whatif

    whatif Well-Known Member

    I understand your pain my parent divorced I was 2 my father went to jail mother was an achoalic so I became one poisoned in the hospital I did it again now I'm at the point I made a huge mistake and don't know how to fix it your not alone
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