Hey, i was looking for a place to vent my feelings and google suggested this forum. I hope im in the right place!
Im 22 years old, ive been feeling quite depressed for a good few years now, but lately its been worse. It culminated in my first suicide attempt few weeks ago, sparing you the details i overdosed on medication i knew should have killed me, but it didnt work. I took nearly 10x the amount it normally requires for these pills, i was in a bad state, but i woke up in hospital even though docs believed id be in a coma for 20 days at best, but 10 hrs after my attempt i was awake. Don't really know how i feel about that... my friends and family called it a miracle, i just saw it as another failure on my behalf...
To cut a long story short, it started when i was 16, my dad had been diagnosed with a chronic disease and it changed our family completely. He stopped working, became angry and took it out on his family. As i was the eldest i got the brunt of it, it wasnt just verbal abuse but all the pressure added on, i was at college studying full time, i had to go out and get a part time job as well to keep the family afloat, i studied during the weekdays and worked on evenings and weekend. My life became a chore then... my father made it clear he may not be around for long and i would have to man up and be ready and his eyes i wasnt.
I'd always considered myself a happy guy, up until 16 that is, id felt sad and down but nothing like that. I began to feel helpless and although i had family and friends around i found it hard to explain what i was going through, until i just stopped trying. I use to have a good relationship with my mother who i use to be able to talk to but she became depressed to and i couldnt talk to her about what i was going through because it brought her down.
I started to drink quite heavily at 16, trying to blunten out the thoughts and sadness, but it never lasted long cos ud sober up, so i tried to stay drunk 24/7. That got me no where as i woke up one day in hospital with alcohol poisoning, wake up to a nurse telling me how stupid i'd been, etc etc. But that didnt stop me really.
But somehow i managed to muddle through the years, in the beginning i thought the depression and sadness would be temporary and id get bk to normal soon, there were even times in those moments where i was but it never lasted long and when it came bk it was always worse.
Over the past few years, ive found my thoughts are getting worse and worse, on the day i attempted my suicide i remembering thinking i had become so small and insignificant no one would notice me going...
i just find it so bizarre i have ended up here feeling like this... i always beleved i was unbreakable... then i broke... i once believed i was strong... then i crumbled... i was the one who always laughed it off... now i dont... i was the one who never stopped trying... now ive just given up on it all
Anyway sorry for the long ass winded story, i just needed a place to vent... sorry if i've posted this on the wrong section of the forum... thanks for reading... tc
Sid
Im 22 years old, ive been feeling quite depressed for a good few years now, but lately its been worse. It culminated in my first suicide attempt few weeks ago, sparing you the details i overdosed on medication i knew should have killed me, but it didnt work. I took nearly 10x the amount it normally requires for these pills, i was in a bad state, but i woke up in hospital even though docs believed id be in a coma for 20 days at best, but 10 hrs after my attempt i was awake. Don't really know how i feel about that... my friends and family called it a miracle, i just saw it as another failure on my behalf...
To cut a long story short, it started when i was 16, my dad had been diagnosed with a chronic disease and it changed our family completely. He stopped working, became angry and took it out on his family. As i was the eldest i got the brunt of it, it wasnt just verbal abuse but all the pressure added on, i was at college studying full time, i had to go out and get a part time job as well to keep the family afloat, i studied during the weekdays and worked on evenings and weekend. My life became a chore then... my father made it clear he may not be around for long and i would have to man up and be ready and his eyes i wasnt.
I'd always considered myself a happy guy, up until 16 that is, id felt sad and down but nothing like that. I began to feel helpless and although i had family and friends around i found it hard to explain what i was going through, until i just stopped trying. I use to have a good relationship with my mother who i use to be able to talk to but she became depressed to and i couldnt talk to her about what i was going through because it brought her down.
I started to drink quite heavily at 16, trying to blunten out the thoughts and sadness, but it never lasted long cos ud sober up, so i tried to stay drunk 24/7. That got me no where as i woke up one day in hospital with alcohol poisoning, wake up to a nurse telling me how stupid i'd been, etc etc. But that didnt stop me really.
But somehow i managed to muddle through the years, in the beginning i thought the depression and sadness would be temporary and id get bk to normal soon, there were even times in those moments where i was but it never lasted long and when it came bk it was always worse.
Over the past few years, ive found my thoughts are getting worse and worse, on the day i attempted my suicide i remembering thinking i had become so small and insignificant no one would notice me going...
i just find it so bizarre i have ended up here feeling like this... i always beleved i was unbreakable... then i broke... i once believed i was strong... then i crumbled... i was the one who always laughed it off... now i dont... i was the one who never stopped trying... now ive just given up on it all
Anyway sorry for the long ass winded story, i just needed a place to vent... sorry if i've posted this on the wrong section of the forum... thanks for reading... tc
Sid