Hey

[yavanna]

So I just wrote this, and then I got logged out or something, so everything is gone. Yay. Anyway, here I go again...

I am 23 and a student, and I have been thinking about killing myself for about 2 years I think. It is not that I really want to die, but I just can't cope with living any more. I feel empty every day, and there isn't anything in my life that is worth living for. I am always looking for a reason to find meaning in everything, but there is just nothing out there for me.

Firstly, I don't have any friends. I did have a few at highschool, but it is hard for me to keep up relationships and even harder to make new friends, so now I'm without anybody. I am very shy, which is a big problem and moreover I am pretty afraid that other people might judge me. I don't know, it just makes me very uncomfortable, so I don't go out a lot and I usually talk to nobody ever. I guess that might not be to good for my social skills either.

Then there's my studies. Everything started out kind of okay, but then there were more and more books to read and I lost my motivation and haven't found it since. I am way behind on everything and constantly thinking whether I am wasting my life with it, but on the other hand there is not much else I am interested in anyway, so it is pretty impossible to find anything else, moreover it seems like a waste to drop out, because of all the time and money that I already put into it... So kind of a bad situation here too.

So everything considered I am not very happy and it doesn't seem like there are solutions coming any time soon and I am just tired of everything.

Sorry that this is pretty long.
Yavanna

 

[jimk]

hello yavanna.. welcome to suicideforum... glad to have you with us now.. and the length of your post was just about rite.. lots of info about things now and not long enuf for us to get distracted and lose our place.. thank you for letting us inside your life..

we not going to judge you here.. too much danger of that being done back at us.. lots of real social anxiety for many members here.. 2D here on the web maybe easier for you to start with.. still an issue here then just sign off and go hide for a bit and then rejoin us later on..

yavanna have you ever tried professional mental health counseling?? just maybe a good therapist or psychiatrist may really be able to help you some.. has for many of us here..

good to have you with us now.. look around here some and hope to hear from you some more over time.. take care, Jim

 

[Speedy]

Welcome, Yavanna. I'm in college too. I can understand what it's like to lose motivation. All the best....Alex

 

[Stranger1]

Welcome to the forums..If your getting logged out it's because there is a little box when you sign in that says remember me.. Check that box then you will be good to go..Welcome again..

 

[yavanna]

Thanks for the nice welcome you guys!
I guess it might really be easier to try to talk to people on the internet first and then try to talk to others face to face...

Well... I am really not comfortable to go looking for a therapist or something. I don't know, either I have to talk to them or they give me medication, but I don't wanna do either, if I'm honest... I don't know, but I also don't want them judging me. I am really embarrassed to be such a loser in life. I mean having many friends and a great job and all that is kind of a status symbol and I don't want people to think I am pathetic, even if they are not allowed to tell anybody. I don't want them to know me so well or have a file on me or something like that.... I guess that does sound pretty stupid, but that's the way I feel... Maybe spending some time on this forum will help a little...

yavanna

 

[BeautifullyChaotic]

You are right, it is much easier to talk to anonymous friends that understand you and what you are feeling, it prepares you to be able to talk openly with a professional or loved one. This is the first step back to life and you should be proud that you made it!
Here, we all lean on each other and support one another, you are safe from judgment and free to just be you

 

[jimk]

hi again yavanna.. understand very well your reluctance to try a therapist and a pill dispening psychiatrist.. been there done that also long ago.. last words on the subject: a good caring professiional is not going to judge you or put you down even a tiny bit.. they are just going to be there with you to try to help you get the best of your own demons.. i will stop now.. just keep the thought that if things get real bad and dangerous for you that just maybe time to reach out for some help..

this website is full of people who will knwo and understande some of what you are going thru now.. it is ok to talk about it here.. yavanna we do care.. Jim

 

[total eclipse]

Hi hun nice to see your reaching out here Lots of kind people here who care hugs