Discussion in 'Welcome' started by maty2468, Jan 2, 2012.

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  1. maty2468

    maty2468 New Member

    hi guys,
    Thought i would introduce myself, im Mat im 26 years old. ive always felt my whole life that ive never fitted in anywhere. In my childhood my dad was never around(always working) and with my dad and mom it was pretty much a loveless marige, they divorced when i was 12. I dont know what happened but i do remember my dad hitting my mum which i still hold against him. I was constantly bullied throughout my whole school life mainly for the colour of my hair(red head). i have zero confidence, zero self-esteam pretty much zero everything.
    When i was 14 i swallowed a whole packet of tablets, i had to go to hospital and was refered to speak to someone, but never went as i convinced my mum i didnt want to go! although looking back i wish i did. in my teens i also cut myself but grew out of it. Ive always wanted to end my life but have just been to scared! Which i guess makes me even more pathetic that i cant end my own life. Ive always felt that my family would be better off if i wasnt around!
    2 and a half years ago i moved with my mum step dad and lil sis to australia to start a new life or so i thought! im still very much a lonely person i dont have many friends here, no one to turn to so i spend most of my time alone. Ive found a great doctor here in australia i get along with him great he really cares and i can almost talk to him about anything. Hes diagnosed me with social anxiety and put me on a drug called pristiq since ive been on this drug the last few months if anything depression is getting me a little more down than usual. Although really not wanting to live ive always managed to just plod along through life and try to get through day to day. Im honestly at the end i think, ive gone as far as reading books about suicide etc trying to find something thats painless but coming up with nothing. I just dont know what to do anymore im lost!
    Thanks to anyone thats reading this, i know theres allot of people in this world much more worse off than me but i cant help feeling this way!
    so thats me!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Mat and welcome...pain is not a contest, and yours counts as much as anyone else's...if you meds are maling you feel more down, please consult your doctor and tell him...I am so pleased you found a doctor you can talk to...like any treatment, talk therapy also takes a while to be effective...maybe talking to your doctor about the goals of therapy and how to feel less lost would also be productive...welcome again and thanks for sharing with us
  3. Jam292

    Jam292 Member

    Hi Maty,

    I feel you on the read hair man. I'm a redhead too. I'm pretty sure I've felt inadequate my entire life because of my appearance. I'm always conscious of it and I have done many things to try to "make up for it". I recently read that sperm banks are turning redhead donors away because women aren't interested. My parents also provided a horrible example of marriage. I'm pretty sure they never loved each other and my mom had me only to make my dad happy - my dad had me only because my mother already had children, so he had "show he was a man". He has treated my mother like a slave and abused her. If I someday get married I'll do everything exactly the opposite what my father has showed me, hopefully to a woman who loves me. I too for some reason can not end my life though I want to. Anyway, I'm glad you posted.
  4. maty2468

    maty2468 New Member

    thanks for the response guys, im really glad i found this place, just to know im not the only one that feels like this. its just easier to talk(or type) to people that know what you are going through. jam292 i feel you on the appearence, i go down the gym quite allot. i find that its an escape for me and if i improve my body least it draws attention away from my hair and face! but i dont think that inadequate feeling will ever go away, ive been told my whole life im ugly etc if your told enough times you believe it!

    thanks again for posting guys
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