hi guys, Thought i would introduce myself, im Mat im 26 years old. ive always felt my whole life that ive never fitted in anywhere. In my childhood my dad was never around(always working) and with my dad and mom it was pretty much a loveless marige, they divorced when i was 12. I dont know what happened but i do remember my dad hitting my mum which i still hold against him. I was constantly bullied throughout my whole school life mainly for the colour of my hair(red head). i have zero confidence, zero self-esteam pretty much zero everything. When i was 14 i swallowed a whole packet of tablets, i had to go to hospital and was refered to speak to someone, but never went as i convinced my mum i didnt want to go! although looking back i wish i did. in my teens i also cut myself but grew out of it. Ive always wanted to end my life but have just been to scared! Which i guess makes me even more pathetic that i cant end my own life. Ive always felt that my family would be better off if i wasnt around! 2 and a half years ago i moved with my mum step dad and lil sis to australia to start a new life or so i thought! im still very much a lonely person i dont have many friends here, no one to turn to so i spend most of my time alone. Ive found a great doctor here in australia i get along with him great he really cares and i can almost talk to him about anything. Hes diagnosed me with social anxiety and put me on a drug called pristiq since ive been on this drug the last few months if anything depression is getting me a little more down than usual. Although really not wanting to live ive always managed to just plod along through life and try to get through day to day. Im honestly at the end i think, ive gone as far as reading books about suicide etc trying to find something thats painless but coming up with nothing. I just dont know what to do anymore im lost! Thanks to anyone thats reading this, i know theres allot of people in this world much more worse off than me but i cant help feeling this way! so thats me!!