Hi, I'm Spencer. I'm 17, almost 18, and I've never kissed a girl. I'm almost out of Highschool and I'm starting to feel really down and depressed. I'm kind of a guy that's sensitve and romantic. I wish I knew a girl that could understand that about me. I'm also a feminist. But I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide. I've always been attracted to girls. Always, my whole life. And I think that's one of the things that's made me awkward around girls while other guys go on dates and have fun. It's really made me sad and it's been breaking my heart slowly and painfully. When I was young, I used to daydream about girls. I think that a lot of women, teens and adults, are beautfiful. And I always dreamed about the day when I met a girl that liked. When I got to have sex with them, be kissed for the first. Be special to them. When I was in middle school, I was surrounded by friends, and it was ok that I was socially awkward and unpopular. But when I went to Highschool, that all changed in a split second. Everyone became obsessed with dating. It just happened so fast. People were talking about sex, and before I knew it I barely knew any single girls anymore. And I was angry at my friends because I just felt like they all left me behind. That's what I've been feeling like the past few years. Depressed, and abandoned. I don't know what to do. I'm almost 18 but my parents haven't bought me a car. I work at Wendys and everything's just kind of stressing me out. I've tried to be a good kid. I've never drank or done drugs. When I go home, every day, I try to spend time with my parents and take care of my little sisters. And every day at school, I try to be confident, social, and funny. I try to love myself so I'll be prepared to love someone else. But nothing's happening, nothing's changing. And I feel like it's getting worst and worst. I'm supposed to decide what college I'm going to go to, and in a few years, what to do for the rest of my life. And I feel like I can't take it. I haven't even been on a date yet. Why do you have to make so many decisions at this age? Why do people make fun of you for never being kissed or having a girlfriend. And why is it that there are other nerd guys like me who just look back on Highschool and laugh like it never mattered to them again, but I feel like I'll never completely get over it? What are single guys supposed to do on prom night, knowing that a lot of people, their friends included, get to bring dates with them and dance, and later have sex, but not him? I've wanted these things my whole life. I always fantasised about having a date to prom, but I'm running out of time and I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. What am I supposed to do, drink myself half to death and act like it didn't happen? Am I supposed to cry that I've always been alone, or am I supposed to just take it and try to move on? One thing about College is that I'm just not looking forward to the girls. I look at them and I feel like I'm not ready yet. They're gorgeous, but I'm not ready for that. I don't want to get my first kiss there. It just seems like girls hit that perfect time when they're 16-18 and by 19 you start to see signs of them growing up, and I'm not ready for that. Maybe if I could get a girlfriend in highschool, I could be ready, but if that doesn't happen, I'm worried that when I finally get a girl in College, a part of me is still going to be sad and bitter about all the pain and lonliness and bullying I went through in Highschool. How am I just supposed to forget about it? College is supposed to be amazing and wonderful, but I'm worried that I'm not going to be happy when I get there. Instead of feeling free, I'm just going to be upset about how it took so long. I just feel like it's not worth it. I'm doing the best I can, but I don't want to go on and live my life. I don't want to grow old and get married and have kids and all of that boring shit. I want to have fun. I want to have fun now, I feel like I can't wait. Not another freaking second. I've done my waiting. And if I can't get a date now, I'm sorry, but fuck College. Fuck it and all the responsibility. I just want to know what it's like to kiss an 17-18 year old girl. Just once. Just one time in my life before I have to move on. I've wanted it for years, and now I'm just supposed to accept that it'll likely never happen when it happens to most people and I got to be the late bloomer. I just feeling like I'm always going to be a little sad about it never happening, and I want someone to tell me how to deal with that sadness. It's not like I can just pretend it's not there. I'll be sad about it, that's just me. I think a lot of other guys would be sad about it too if they never got a girlfriend in Highschool. It's kind of weird, but I can't help the way I feel. When I ask for help, other people just keep telling me it's going to be ok. But I don't believe them. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just grab a girl and kiss them at the end of the year. Yeah, that might have consequences, but I'll feel a lot better than if I walk out of Highschool and never know what it's like. I just feel like I'll be hurt, and that pain might fade away, but it won't go away completely, and I'm scared. Really scared. I need help.