Heya with my "troubles"

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Pensive, Aug 22, 2007.

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  1. Pensive

    Pensive Well-Known Member


    Guess I should write something here then. I wrote this eight weeks ago on another board but don't remember writing it, nor do I want to read it so just gonna paste it. Some of the stuff below is distressing but its how I feel/felt 4 weeks ago.

    So yeah, short time reader first time writer. Is also gonna be wordy (I enjoy prose on forum boards)

    So have had depression for as long as I can care to remember, am 22 and have had thoughts since I was 16 (maybe) with the exception of one year at 18 mostly (my first year of university) after which a (my first and only) relationship went bad.

    Most of this time I did it all on my own with very little help from anyone, and increasingly it built until 8 weeks ago enough was enough and a mate pushed me in the direction of getting some help, and from there its onto antidepressants where I've been for 8 weeks.

    I'm not really sure if I'm better or worse overall since starting them, Ive had some good days, but overall my bad ones are worse than I care to remember. My reciently worst day involved a trip to the local A+E where I got put in a waiting queue for 4 hours, and then left because I felt sick with hunger due to me forgetting to eat that day.

    Simply put, tomorrow is my second appointment with a counsellor and I really feel quite sick in my stomach now, with a feeling of not wanting to go. I also feel I lie when I go into my sessions and never make out how bad it really is, then think "you're just kidding yourself its not that bad". TBH I'd rather just sit in and use the laptop and be alone, but as I've not left the house all day to do anything I might as well keep that trend going.

    Reason also being I have to return home to my family for it, with them knowing nothing of my dirty secret (in their opinion most likely, my mother is awfully houseproud)

    I can't bring myself to tell them any of what happened these past 8 weeks, as I've tried to hint at it and have been dismissed each time (was in the car with my mum and a story came on the radio about suicide when I debated about it she replied "Never discuss this with me, you must be pretty desperate for someone to do that" and that "You're not nuts"), also being the youngest in a large religious family means most of my ideas/ideals are dismissed from the off, even negative ideals/guilt pressed on me, much to the point where I can't stand being around most of them. Plus it doesnt help that I gave up God 4 weeks ago, my thinking is how can God exist when he makes horrible things such as this. Only reason I still go to mass is to allure suspicions of my medication.

    So its more of a marathon that I don't know I want to finish or not, I've lived like this for so long it doesnt really matter. My question is how long does it go on for? Is there ever an end? And should I keep my appointment even if it means going home to a family that I never want to see?

    Wrote all that 4 weeks ago. I guess I feel unworthy of being unhappy as theres so many more people have worse problems than I do, plus university is getting me down, back then I filed medical reasons for my not sitting exams, but I dont think I'm going to pass one of them, and if I dont pass them all I'm out of university.

    Honestly I don't know what to do if university doesnt work out, to have to explain to everyone why I'm not getting a degree that I myself want, and have been researching methods to end it all to avoid questions, I decided that if I was gonna have the courage to do it I'd want to do it first time.

    I put on a brave face for most of my closest friends so they won't suspect anything as they are worried about me, but I don't understand why they want me to live.

    Sorry for venting a bit for a first post.
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  3. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    :welcome: hun!
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am glad you joined us. :hug:
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    welcome :hug:
  6. Pensive

    Pensive Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the welcome guys :) Been reading a bit lately, but can't seem to find anything to reply to TBH.

    Just been declined for the job I really needed yesterday, over one failed exam (which I was quite gutted about, after being so honest with them over everything they decline me at the last minute, and what with it being a university placement theres little chance of getting one now this late on)
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2007
  7. Sorry this comes as a bit of a late reply but welcome to SF! I hope that you find some sort of help here and if you ever feel the need to talk, I'm around most of the time. :hug: Be safe and take care dear.
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2007
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