Hi, 2 years later, I'm still the same.

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#1
After 5 years of happiness she left me, saying she needs to "work on yourself and her problems." She went on a trip and made out with another guy and has feelings for him apparently, but keeps telling me she doesn't want to enter a relationship with anybody right now. She was and still is the love of my life, I'm a very lonely guy and she was my best friend and love, who made me want to rise every morning just waiting to see her. I sacrificed a lot for her, I gave up some of my interests early in our relationship because I wanted to make it work and she has followed her passions and is moving on. She keeps telling me that I need to get out in the world and meet new people, other girls and flirt and have fun, but all I tell her is that I only want her. All I do now is wake up, go to work and think about killing myself for 8 straight hours, then I come home curl up in bed and cry. I barely eat, I have no energy or desires to do anything anymore accept die. But, I'm conflicted about killing myself because I know it would hurt her, she would be guilt ridden for the rest of her life and be in pain, and I couldn't cause her pain. I'm seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist and have been put on medication, for my depression and frequent panic attacks, but all I do is stare at the meds, (effexor, lorazpam and ambiem) and just want to overdose and die. I can't bare the thought of her with anybody else, but I also can't bare the thought of hurting her by killing myself. I have worked the rationale in my head about my suicide, I want to quit life, you can quit anything else in the world, why is it wrong to want to quit life? I am not happy and loathe the thought of moving on, so why can't I end it and be out of pain? I want to win her back somehow, but I now it is a futile effort, so I see no reason to go on. I have no friends in the world (I'm not being facetious I really have very little contact with anybody) and I have not imperative to live. I pray she will come back and realize her mistake, I did anything and everything to try and please her and keep her happy, but it was not enough. I can't take the pain anymore.
I wrote that 2 years ago, almost to the date. I still have suicidal feelings, still miss her horribly. I think I've actually gotten worse in the time I've been alone, while I've even had another relationship, it was so unfilling that it has just left me numb. I have no desires left, I do stupid things, I've abused my body of the last 2 years (those wonderful lorazpam, klonopien, valium, ambien, lunesta and whatever other pill I could get) and no just really have no desire to live. I can't keep going through this world numb to everything and wanting to die, someone here, can you help? Maybe how I can think of moving on? What do you do when you have nothing left? Please.
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
Been there and it was a good 4 years before I suddenly woke up and realised if they walked through the door I'd slam it in their face.

No magical cure, I'm afraid.
Anti depressants help to take the edge of, as does burying yourself in work, hobbies and friends.
And being able to talk it out is a real help.

pm me if you need to vent.
 
#3
Been there and it was a good 4 years before I suddenly woke up and realised if they walked through the door I'd slam it in their face.

No magical cure, I'm afraid.
Anti depressants help to take the edge of, as does burying yourself in work, hobbies and friends.
And being able to talk it out is a real help.

pm me if you need to vent.
Thanks I really just get incredibly depressed anf lonely it makes it tougher to be like this. B
 

Gimiq

Well-Known Member
#4
I went nuts after my fiancee left me. I had never loved anyone before her. After she left me I proceed to destroy my life. I have dug a whole only god could get me out of. My life has just started to be rebuilt. I know I may never find the love I want and at times it makes cyanid look tasty. The thing helped the most was well doing everything I could to forget her. Even now I do not open the memory of her.
 

StevenSiew

Well-Known Member
#5
I wrote that 2 years ago, almost to the date. I still have suicidal feelings, still miss her horribly. I think I've actually gotten worse in the time I've been alone, while I've even had another relationship, it was so unfilling that it has just left me numb. I have no desires left, I do stupid things, I've abused my body of the last 2 years (those wonderful lorazpam, klonopien, valium, ambien, lunesta and whatever other pill I could get) and no just really have no desire to live. I can't keep going through this world numb to everything and wanting to die, someone here, can you help? Maybe how I can think of moving on? What do you do when you have nothing left? Please.
Do you really really believe that those psychologist and psychiatrist can help you? Or maybe medical drugs can change reality? Now two years later you know the truth. You have a problem with reality. Psychologist , psychiatrist and drugs cannot change reality. Reality will not change. It is you who has to change. One way or another....
 
#6
Steven is actually correct. Psychiatrists and drugs are okay just as is an asprin when you have a headache... but when you continually have headache's, asprin after asprin does not really cure the root cause of the problem. You can hide it, mask it, make it go away for a while (which is good because it helps make it easier to focus on the real issues), but as Steven said... the real change must come from within yourself.
 
#7
I have a very tough tone forgetting her because I had to move back to where I was always with her and am afraid ill see her somewhere and I lose my mind. I work an extremely unfulfilling job, live on a cot in a ratty basement and really have no friends in my area. I have an extremely addictive personality and think I may be addicted to the Internet and more specifically porn just because I have nothing to do with my life. I'm finishing college and losing my mind about that and the fear of being an adult with no direction in life. Also I have incredible self confidence issues, I'd love to make the voices in my head from stopping tell me what a pos I am and how I just deserve to die. I have friends and family who care, so I realize my luck, I just still feel completely alone. Like there is really no point because I wish I had the love back, I'd give up everything. I also think I really need to get some help simply because I have frequent panic attacks and some auditory halucenations again, which is scary. I am just numb to the world I have no interests in things I used to love and my life is pointless. I need something.
 
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