hi im paul. im 21 I hate myself. I am a coward. I have been depressed for many years and i really want to end it but im too scared. i was always sad and miserable inside. I had an ok school life with many friends but i couldnt attend college. all my friends went except me. I lost touch with most of them except 2. i fell in love a year ago with a girl. she said she felt the same until she left. I attempted suicide but my best friend helpednme me. i cried for hours everyday for a months. she came back and she pleaded me to take her back. I was sad and i just wanted her back. She said it was a mistake and that she was an idiot. I love her more than anything or anyone. I no longer trust like before i am scared of loosing her again i cry when i think about it. I cry like every day. I am so afraid she will just leave. She says she loves me but she has said the same before... i was always sad but if i loose her again i would kill myself. I wish i could rid myself of this fear. I feel like a looser. I think i am ugly. I workout and i feel ugly. I feel like everyone looks at me and hates me. I hate myself enough. I can't sleep anymore. Im exhausted. I just want to end it before she leaves before she hates me like everyone else before she sees how awful i am i want to die knowing atleast she loved me a little. All i care for is her. She really is my world. I know im a looser im worthless i smile outside even though i am a miserable guy inside i cry all night everynight for four months..