For the past two or three weeks, I've been contemplating suicide in an action-oriented way. Tomorrow I'll have the opportunity I've been planning on. I don't want to screw up my second time around; my first time was an overdose when I was 17, not knowing that their failure rate is astronomical, so I plan to cause <edit moderator total eclipse method>. I've obtained the means and decided on a place and time, tomorrow morning, after my younger brother leaves for his police training. Ironically, the weather tomorrow is supposed to be highly dense fog with overcast skies. I'll probably get run over in the street a few times before anyone notices me. I have been careful not to leave any signs or clues of suicidal intent to anyone, so no one will expect it or try to stop me. I've written a lengthy suicide note that involves some confessions no one would expect me to admit to (my guilt involving these incidents is part of my reasons for dying), and it goes into detail about my reasons, for anyone who might be curious. But, like all suicides, ambivalence is starting to get to me. But then the ambivalence disappears once I remember the reasons behind the act, and how my situation truly is hopeless. There is no solution to the predicament I'm in, only a way out. I can't seem to hold a job, and I can't bring myself to finish college. There is no rational reason not to expect further pain that can only get worse. My thoughts are black and constricted. I feel driven, like it's something I have to do. I've run the gamut of treatments, so there's really nothing that can help me. I've done an enormous variety of medications, about seven psychotherapists, hospitalization, and the like, so it's clear there is no treatment that can magically make things look hopeful. If anyone has any ideas on how to stop this dreadful psychological pain another way, I'd be genuinely interested. I'm not stupid, I can see it's a commitment, but I get the feeling that even if I don't do it now, I'll still end up doing it later. One last note: I've been in ERs before for this kind of thing. They're dreadful.