Hi again. Maybe one of you will remember me.

For the past two or three weeks, I've been contemplating suicide in an action-oriented way. Tomorrow I'll have the opportunity I've been planning on. I don't want to screw up my second time around; my first time was an overdose when I was 17, not knowing that their failure rate is astronomical, so I plan to cause <edit moderator total eclipse method>. I've obtained the means and decided on a place and time, tomorrow morning, after my younger brother leaves for his police training.

Ironically, the weather tomorrow is supposed to be highly dense fog with overcast skies. I'll probably get run over in the street a few times before anyone notices me.

I have been careful not to leave any signs or clues of suicidal intent to anyone, so no one will expect it or try to stop me. I've written a lengthy suicide note that involves some confessions no one would expect me to admit to (my guilt involving these incidents is part of my reasons for dying), and it goes into detail about my reasons, for anyone who might be curious.

But, like all suicides, ambivalence is starting to get to me. But then the ambivalence disappears once I remember the reasons behind the act, and how my situation truly is hopeless. There is no solution to the predicament I'm in, only a way out. I can't seem to hold a job, and I can't bring myself to finish college. There is no rational reason not to expect further pain that can only get worse. My thoughts are black and constricted. I feel driven, like it's something I have to do.

I've run the gamut of treatments, so there's really nothing that can help me. I've done an enormous variety of medications, about seven psychotherapists, hospitalization, and the like, so it's clear there is no treatment that can magically make things look hopeful.

If anyone has any ideas on how to stop this dreadful psychological pain another way, I'd be genuinely interested. I'm not stupid, I can see it's a commitment, but I get the feeling that even if I don't do it now, I'll still end up doing it later.

One last note: I've been in ERs before for this kind of thing. They're dreadful.

 

I'd encourage you to call a suicide hotline. I'm new here, and while I might not have met you before, just know that I've felt the same way. Know that almost all of us have felt the same way. And no, medication and traditional treatments don't always work for us. But still think about all that you have to live for--family, friends, even the ability to see the beautiful sunrise every morning.

You live with your brother? I'm sure he'd be deeply affected by losing you...please reconsider and talk this over with a professional. We're here for you at SF--I know it's tough now, but I beg you to seek help and carefully consider the full ramifications of what you're planning.

 

hey rocket havent seen you about for a bit. I am truly sorry for how you are feeling right now. I really really hope you change your mind about this. Are you sure that whatever it is your confessing is something you cant be forgiven for ?? Sometimes the only way out of that kind of pain is to talk to someone about it but i also know its easier said than done i really hope you find another way. xx

 

Dear Christopher I share your pain I honestly do I've spent years on end with meds,Dr's,Therapists you name it and yes I'm suicidal as ever I wish I could tell you otherwise than I understand your pain I'm so sorry.

 

yes, i remember you.... welcome back

i hope you rethink this. just know we're here..

 

Good morning. Thank you for all the replies so far.

If you've ever held a gun this heavy to your temple (and probably any gun), the pressure that suddenly crushes your heart and lungs is extraordinary. I found myself shaking and out of breath. Then I thought about how badly I was disappointing the people who care for me. I was still conflicted, and this morning I saw that my mother actually sent me an email telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me.

So I let it rest by my side and started to sob. I knew I was going to do this eventually. I still think I will. But something about the almost dead silence, while I could hear the parts in the pistol loudly working (at least, they sounded loud to me) while I prepared it to fire was extremely intimidating.

I panicked. Partly because I had unlocked the gun's internal locking mechanism without even knowing the code, which existed to keep me from using it at all (bypassing it was incredibly easy), but I didn't know how to re-lock it, which, when my brother saw the handgun again, would give away that I had been messing with it, and he would have gone crazy at me and told everyone. But after some time I was able to re-lock it, and I put it back where it's usually kept.

Now I don't know what to do. I feel raw and in pain. I'll never forget this. And I keep getting text messages from a friend of mine who wants to spend time with me today, but I don't feel capable of responding.

What a nightmare.

 

i'm glad you didon't do it. i am glad you are safe

as for your friend, if you don't feel up to it, don't do it... you don't need extra stress

as i said, at least you're alive- that's the main thing

 

I'm happy you're safe. I hope this shows that people do care about you, even in tough times. Reach out to your mom, your brother, and that friend and maybe confide a bit of what you're going through to them. I know (from experience) they won't fully understand, but it'll help.

Stay safe. :reub:

 

yes please stay safe too - I do hope you are OK there's nothing worse when you feel really down big hug and take care - Ali

 

Hi
glad you're still here. I think about suicide at some point on my good days, never mind the bad. But I have kinda come to terms with the fact I'm too I'll to work - for now.
I have one friend - my 'best friend' who doesn't understand my illness or that it's limitations are not a choice. But recently the British queen visit visited Ireland and iris Robinson (local politican) who has had scandal resulting in depression had said maybe about going to the queens dinner - made me realise if the queen accepts a maybe - so should everyone else!!
I digress.
One thing that truly keeps me going is my cat. I know noone would love her& she them the same way. So I suggest a pet.

good luck.x

 

I'm so glad to see you are still around...
and pleased that your Mum and friend let you know they care about you..


It's pretty traumatic to get that far and change your mind so look after yourself ok..*hug*

maybe time to talk to your doctor ..

 

Thank you so much to everyone.

I did spend time with my friend, which I thought would be good for me, but I was very much on edge and brittle all day. I couldn't stop thinking about how close I came, and every time I thought about it, it exacerbated my terror. It kept running through my mind that I really was ready to make a mess. I heard all the clicks and clanks of it as it was armed, and I couldn't think of anything else but me mechanically going through the motions of doing what I did. Even thinking about it sends my anxiety spiking. I was so scared after I backed off, I was so upset, I felt dissociated and uneasy. It was like it wasn't real.

In any case, my friend just left to go back to his home. He's not the type of friend I would confide in, we keep things casual between us and have never really gone past that, so I didn't tell him what I was thinking. But I'm glad I saw him. If I hadn't, I might have been in my room all day, shaking and sobbing with terror.

I can't get the images out of my head. It's essentially all I see and hear. But I'm very hesitant to tell this to either my psychiatrist or psychotherapist for fear of being involuntarily hospitalized, which was an extremely unpleasant experience for me the first time I was hospitalized. It doesn't suggest suicidal risk like what I did. I don't know, I'll figure it out. But right now I'm more concerned with these intrusive thoughts and images.

Everything looks and feels different. I don't know how else to describe it. But at least I'm okay. I hope things work out.

 

I hope so too. This might be completely off, but have you ever seen a doctor about the possibility of OCD? You seem to be obsessing over what transpired, and can't get those intrusive thoughts away--classic symptoms. Just a thought, it might help in the long run. Please message me if you ever need someone to talk to!