I joined the forum last night (my time) and posted straight away but it didn't load of course until my membership was approved. I haven't had any replies, so I'm not sure if that's because of the time delay, or just that no one feels like responding to me... which would be quite understandable, as I am not a very interesting person for sure. So I thought I would try once more this evening. I'm pretty depressed right now. I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts pretty well my whole life, but I've always managed by staying busy with work and distracted as much as possible. These last couple of years I've had some major health issues - side effect of getting middle aged I guess - and it's been harder to impossible to do that. Heaps of counselling, plenty of SRIs (off them at moment though), but dealing with medical interventions has been really hard for me. Now when I was just getting back on track I've had an accident, and I'm back off work, stuck pretty much at home, and I feel like everything I've worked for is a farce. I don't really know how to keep on putting in the effort I have for the last 35 years just to keep on battling this depression. Especially knowing that I also face a life of medical interventions which I hate and trigger really negative reactions. And in the end if I avoid suicide the chances are VERY high that I will develop a cancer which runs in our family and will lead to a slow, painful, lingering death anyway after many years of fighting the emotional pain. If I could believe that there would be enough quality to life between now and then, it wouldn't be so bad. But I find it hard to know that every day is going to be a battle to find a reason to live, just to face a battle for the living itself.