Hi again

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Jabez, Feb 18, 2015.

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  1. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    I joined the forum last night (my time) and posted straight away but it didn't load of course until my membership was approved. I haven't had any replies, so I'm not sure if that's because of the time delay, or just that no one feels like responding to me... which would be quite understandable, as I am not a very interesting person for sure.
    So I thought I would try once more this evening.
    I'm pretty depressed right now. I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts pretty well my whole life, but I've always managed by staying busy with work and distracted as much as possible. These last couple of years I've had some major health issues - side effect of getting middle aged I guess - and it's been harder to impossible to do that. Heaps of counselling, plenty of SRIs (off them at moment though), but dealing with medical interventions has been really hard for me. Now when I was just getting back on track I've had an accident, and I'm back off work, stuck pretty much at home, and I feel like everything I've worked for is a farce.
    I don't really know how to keep on putting in the effort I have for the last 35 years just to keep on battling this depression. Especially knowing that I also face a life of medical interventions which I hate and trigger really negative reactions. And in the end if I avoid suicide the chances are VERY high that I will develop a cancer which runs in our family and will lead to a slow, painful, lingering death anyway after many years of fighting the emotional pain.
    If I could believe that there would be enough quality to life between now and then, it wouldn't be so bad. But I find it hard to know that every day is going to be a battle to find a reason to live, just to face a battle for the living itself.
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You will find many caring people here. It is also a good place to vent as I find just putting down my thoughts and fustrations help.

    If the depression gets bad, maybe it is time to find a counselor (therapist) and get some medication. I find that both help me in spite of the suicide thoughts. You are important and I hope you stay around and post some more.
  3. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    The time differences can be a pain but there are a lot of caring people on here.
    I would live your life and not worry every day about a cancer you may get. As people live longer it is usually some type of cancer that will kill us. Doctors are getting better about keeping people pain free.
    Working does help but what do you like to do outside of work?
  4. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys - it's nice to feel welcomed ☺️
    I'm keeping on with my counselling - had a really hard session yesterday being challenged to recognise that the depression probably won't go away but I need to keep doing the things that have helped in the past. Thoughts of suicide and self harm have been ever present for me, despite so many good things in my life, and always seem to escalate while I am doing counselling, because normally I deal by pushing them away, ignoring and distracting myself from my feelings, and counselling makes me pay attention! Managing them is just such a constant battle either way and takes so much energy the thought of keeping going seems too much. Unfortunately because of the other medical issues I have my neurologist doesn't want me to start antidepressants again at the moment until we get other meds sorted. I think that they would help, so hopefully when I see him again at the end of March we might be able to review. Just seems SOOO far away!
    Outside of work I like to read, sew, and garden. As I'm stuck between a wheelchair for mobility and bed to manage pain and inflammation from where I busted up my legs, for a few weeks I have been pretty much limited to just the reading, and I've been really pushing myself on the psychotherapy while I'm so restricted, which is why it was so dispiriting to realise that while I might resolve some issues the depression remains. But I managed to get out in the garden for a few minutes this afternoon - luckily I have ramps and raised garden beds - and even picked some eggplant and chillis which we cooked for tea.
    I'm very lucky really, as I have a fantastically supportive husband and beautiful kids. I just find it really hard letting them support me, because I feel like such a drain on them.
    So things are looking a bit better again tonight. And I agree that focusing on the future and cancer is not really helpful and I need to live in the now. It's just when the now is so dismal I try to look for some hope in the future and all I see is the path I've watched my family members take before me, and it hasn't been that pretty! But the treatments get better all the time. I do hate having all the constant tests to make sure we "catch it early" to give the best options, though
    Thanks again for taking the time to welcome me and support me.
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