hi all

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by arturvma, May 13, 2014.

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  1. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    My name is Artur, I'm 26, Brazilian.
    I am out of reasons to live and living has become an everyday fight.

    I am such a romantic dreamer. My favorite movie is Moulin Rouge, and their love basically describes my beliefs and my biggest dreams.
    Love, family, faithfulness, honesty, education, charity and honnor are values I stand for and try to practice in life.

    Last november I've met a guy which was perfect in every single way, but I messed it up and lost him forever. I think I've found my soulmate, but lost him for such stupid reasons.
    I made him believe he couldn't make me happy, and now he won't give me another chance, for in his opinion, it would only lead to more pain for both of us. It was all my fault for being immature and manipulative, and now I'm having to reap what I've sown.

    He is younger (21), and from a "lower social class" than mine, so I devoted the time we spent together to show him my world and to make him happy.
    I was used to buy him surprise presents, designer clothes and to take him on tour weekend to try to give him some of the things I've always had. So during all this time, he became my only reason for living.

    I believe love is the most important thing in life, and that everybody has a soul mate. My life now seems too long to live without him.
    I don't feel like doing anything. During my lunch break, I drive home and try to sleep, but I cannot, so instead I lie on bed and cry. I am not properly eating at all. I often just lunch on weekends with my family, and survive out of water and minor snacks during the week days. I hide this situation from my family, because I don't want to be a burden at my age and also because I feel very ashamed of it.

    I am ashamed even because I know there are people dealing with much bigger problems without whining, and I'm being so weak with such a selfish problem.
    I joined this forum for this reason. That maybe it will open my eyes to something bigger and that maybe, if I can also help someone with a worst problem than mine, it will become my very reason to carry on, and I will feel worth again.

    I also volunteer on santurdays, in the suburbs, since the beginning of the year, and during the time I am there, I forget my problems. But this feeling don't last long enough.

    Forgive my typos, general grammar mistakes or randomness. English is not my mother tongue and I am not at my best condition. Thanks.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome to SF
  3. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    :rainbow: ,.. :drama: .., :rainbow: Welcome here.

    I hope that things will go well for you.

    I've never been to Brazil and don't know how culture or "social class" works there. Usually, in the USA you have "class" if you have the money. No one really cares much about your origins. I'm aware that asymmetrical relationships, where one partner has much more money than the other, succeed less often than relationships with more equal finances do. I'm not qualified to advise you about your own relationships. Every person is different, with different needs.

    I don't think you are being weak or selfish. It's okay if you want to whine here. I whine quite a bit here when I can't do that away from the computer. Of course there must be someone who is worse off than you or me--say, like someone with cancer. But your problems are bad enough you deserve help for them.

    About changes in your sleep and energy level, You might want to consider the possibility it has a medical cause, such as depression. Sometimes depression sets in after a major life event happens.

    My general impression is that depression is not acknowledged as much in Spanish or Portuguese-speaking cultures as it is in the USA or western Europe. I could be wrong about that. But depression as a medical issue wasn't taken seriously here until a few years ago. I don't know how the health care works in Brazil. But what we usually call "mental" problems actually affect the brain, which is a physical organ just like the lungs are. Anybody can develop such a problem at any time, as our bodies and health change--I'm old enough to have several physical and mental problems now, but they can happen to young people, too, even children.

    There are medications and other treatments that often help problems with thinking or mood.

    I hope you will ask your doctor about it, as a first step. Even if the doctor finds nothing wrong, it is still good to have your health checked whenever you feel different than before and its not just a cold or the flu. I have to visit a doctor even for flu, now. And depression can be more serious than the flu, and can last for a long time.

    I hope you feel welcome to write things on this web site. Be careful about personal data, though. There are thieves on the Internet that try to steal data for fraud.

    Otherwise, most people here will value your ideas.

    Your English is impeccable. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors--and English has such an awful spelling system that English speakers can't always spell words. You deserve congratulations for doing it in a foreign language.

    Best of luck to you. ,... :mod: .. :mod:
  4. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    Thanks Total eclipse.

    And thanks Hatshepsut for your time and attention to me. It made me feel good that you actually read my message and wrote back.
  5. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I take it that SC stands for Santa Catarina, and that the winter time is starting there, while it becomes summer here.
  6. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    Clever you. You got it right, haha.
    At least for a few time we will have a rest from the burning hot temperatures.
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello Arturvma,

    I can relate to your situation. I went through something similar with a guy I knew as a teen. There was a strong connection, but it didn't last due to who I was at the time. I obsessed over this guy for years! I played it over and over in my mind. I had to accept that he was gone. My chance with him is over.
    I encourage you to step back and learn from this experience. I eventually met my husband and can see how he is truly my soul mate. We match one another and inspire one anther in so many ways.There is hope for true love. Don't beat yourself up for past relationships.

    Welcome to the forum. :hug:

  8. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    I understand your point. But what makes me feel different is that I have had other relationships before, and I am no longer a teenager.
    I am 26 years old, I fear to end up with just anybody out of despair or not to age alone.

    Truth is there isn't much room for faithfulness or loyalty in the "gay community". I feel the odds are all against me.
    Sincerely, I have no perspective for a happy future, but to carry on a very lonely and meaningless life.
  9. Ijos

    Ijos Member


    I know you are not a teenager anymore, but you are still very young. Really you are! You still have all the time of the world to meet people and the kind of strong feelings you have can happen at any age. I'm 41 and I have/had a similar experience when I was 37 and I still think a lot about this person. Sometimes people have a very strong impact on you, nothing to be embarrassed about and strangely enough just accepting these feelings and allowing yourself to feel this way helps you deal with it better, be proud of what you are and feel, it is who you are, but make sure you start focussing on different things in your life to help you recover and feel better again. I also understand that it is harder to find someone if you're gay. I'm not gay myself, but I have quite a few friends that are gay and most of them only got into a stable and serious relationship in their 30ies. Perhaps it's different where you live , but the gay couples in my life all have very faithful relationships.
  10. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hmmm. did it end on a bitter note or do you think it can be salvaged?

    where have you looked for relationships and people in the past?
  11. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    I am terribly bad right now. It's lunch time and I noticed this is when I get worst. I do not eat and get more depressive instead.

    We found each other through the internet. He says he feels the same, but he strongly believes ppl do not change and that I would never be trully satisfied with him.
    I don't know the term in english, but he has low sexual desires.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2014
  12. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    try having a snack at least? some fresh air and calming music?
    be strong
  13. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    I feel like I want to cry and sleep to get a rest from living, but it doesn't allow me to sleep. I have an appointment with a psychologist on may 21st. I am considering taking some pills. Because I am afraid of what will happen to me if I keep trying to be strong. I am already dying. I feel as I was turning into a living corpse and I don't want that. I want to be able to enjoy life again.
  14. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    what sort of pills... if they are for sleep or to relax and correct dose, then yes?
    are you hopeful for may 21st?
  15. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I hope things are going good for you.

    I hope they go okay until May 21. I won't say too much more, since I am afraid to say the wrong thing. Even one wrong word. But I hope you're safe now.
  16. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    Thank you guys. I was really bad earlier.

    I am not sure yet, but I am also thinking about talking to my family about it. I don't know how they are gonna react. If they are gonna believe that I am not OK, or if they will think I am just demanding attention and making drama.
    But I think that if they come to have lunch with me, I will eat.
    I am losing weight quickly and it scares me.

    Also, I am not religious, but I've been praying.
    Well, thank you all, guys. Really! :grouphug:
  17. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    Hey guys, I am sad because I noticed most of the people who post here, will not come back to let us know what happened after. It is sad because we can presume they either gave up on us, or they gave up on themselves.

    Anyway... I started to take medication, but it is not working yet. I feel as though something were burning inside my head and shoulders. I think it might be adrenalina, idk. But I hope the medication takes this sensation away.

    I am getting worse.
    The psychiatrist also asked me to see a psychologist. I only had two sessions, but I am enjoying it. She is very professional and I think she actually cares.
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