Hi all, I just recently descovered the forums and I am hoping if anything I can just talk to others like myself whom are trying to get passed the hell that is sadness. I am 25 years old and have lived a fairly rough life that has produced more negatives in me than positives. Me and my grandmother whom I grew up with where very poor, to a point where I would have to go every night and dig though dumpsters of local restaurents to get my meal for the day. I had to wear the same clothes for years, adding on new patches of material I would find in trash cans to make make my shirts bigger or my pants bigger to fit my size, all I knew in school was being laughed at, and at home the verbal abuse that never ended. At the age of 8 my father had died and my mother had abandoned me at the side of the road, my uncle had passed away from aids and my brother soon followed. I was alone, only knowning death. My grandmother whom I love dearly blamed me for her sons deaths and made it very clear everyday, I had become very heartless and extremely bitter at a very younge age. Becuase of being so hungry and sad I had to drop out of school at the age of 12 and started working as a construction laborer until I hit around 18. I worked 12 hours shifts, 7 days a week, no vacation times and very little raises for many years, becuase of this I never got to make friends or go anywhere. ALl I knew was the drug addicts, sex offenders and ex felons as my friends, becuase of this I learned things many children should never even hear of. Over the years of hard labor all my money went to my grandmother who would desperatly try to keep a roof over her head with her 800 a month social security while I 1 bedroom apartment was 1400 a month (cheapest we could find in California where I lived.) I would go many days without meals outside of the rotting food I could find in dumpsters and left on peoples tables. That was my childhood, thats what I grew up on. At the Age of 17 the job ended, my employer let everyone go and I was left without any formal documented job skills, a 2nd grade education and the social skills of a con artist. I had no idea how to even take care of myself outside of work, sleep, beg for food. I had gotten lucky and found a low level entry job working at a pet store, I had started become a caring man whom loved helpping others so working with animals and the familys that wanted to buy them was perfect for me. Shortly after I had meet my future wife, back then she was sweet and kind, she listened and cared, money was nothing all that was needed was communication and understanding. I had found the person I loved. I am a very attractive (in my opinion lol everyone has there own) young man, in good shape and I have a very positive attidute on the outside, while my wife is obesses and extremely demanding. Alot of people wondered what I was doing with her, I didnt and still do not care, the outside of a person is nothing, its all in the inside, thats why I have never cared how my companion looks, only how they make me feel and how I can return the favor. We have been struggling together due to her extremly controling and lazy nature. She has gotten very overweight due to inactivity and has come to a point in communication taht she will mock and crush your feelings every time she can for her personal social gain. She wasnt always like that, she just learned that I really meant it when I said I would do everything I can to make her happy, and now abuses it. (hasnt done dishes or watched the kids in 2 years, the kids dont even ask her to play with them anymore) The worst pain for me is feeling so alone and crushed when theres someone in reach right infront of you that does nothing but encourages it to maintain control. I dont want to be alone anymore. This may sound silly, but I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me, Your not worthless trash like my wife does almost daily. I finally got into college and my wife hates it, she keeps trying to treaten me with different reasons I shouldnt go to school all the time now, because I am too stupid or because I will run away and leave the kids. But I will do my best, I just want to have something to look forward to, I love my kids very much and I still love my wife... Or at least memories of the woman I married. But I cant live for just my kids, I need a balance or I will become obsessed with my children. This is me, I apologize for the long post but it really helpped me to finally tell my story to someone, even if there just text on a computer screen.