Hi all !

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nightflight, Mar 4, 2010.

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  1. Nightflight

    Nightflight Member

    Hi I am Nightflight This Forum looks very different to the one before, that`s why I do not know, if anyone will remember me here.....
    It is a long time ago.

    I feel quite sad at the moment and I do not really know. what I should tell you at the moment.

    But I am glad to have found you again, since it is difficult to find someone outside to talk about death, illnesses etc.......

    If you want to know something about me, just ask. There no stupid questions, just stupid answers and I definitely won`t give you one of these:)

    One other thing..... I am only writing on public computers, so it can take some time, I can give you an answer.


  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hey Nightflight, welcome back.

    Do you want to talk to us about what's been going on for you? Has anything happened to make you feel sad? You can tell us as much or as little as you want to.

    Take care of yourself
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad you reached out here again to talk okay
  4. Nightflight

    Nightflight Member

    It is not, that I am in danger to die instantly because my illness or that there are financial problems.....

    No, these problems are solved, but I am leading a life of a seventy years old guy and my heart feels like twenty. The thought, that Ihave got to go on like this for the next forty years is living nightmare, in the first place because of being forced to live in Germany....

    Our government thinks, pain takes care of soul elevating to the christian heaven.

    I could throw out, if think about this......

    That`s roughly what I am feeling.....
  5. Nightflight

    Nightflight Member

    I have just seen my doctor......

    ..........you do not need to worry, nothing got worse etc..........

    That was his comment...

    But I feel physically weak, my brain is doing whatever it wants, but not, what it is supposed to do.

    In my first posts, I was completely confused, but now my thoughts are clearer again and I am glad about that.

    I think it was a mistake to trust in the future and the hope that everything will be fine. In fact, nothing is fine and I regret not to have quit this f... life in the year 2004.

    I am mentally torn apart by the obligation to take care of my ill wife, who needs help in nearly all parts of her life and the the deep wish of my soul to leave physical body behind me and go........I don`t know.........to the light..........disapper into nothing or whatever- it`s difficult to find anything worse than this kind of prison I`m living in.

    And the worst thing of all is my to be sent into an institution for old and helpless people, where you no possibility to decide what will happen to you.

    Living alone I would try, what life would maybe in the U. S.

    If it failed, it would be no problem to buy a gun to solve this problem forever....

    Now, that`s what I think and feel. Eventually writing this does not change anything, but somehow I´m feeling better at the moment. Let`s see how long it lasts..........

    Thank you for reading........

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are ill and that your wife is not well I hope you do get the help you need to feel stronger so you can start living life a little easier. Have you got into therapy at all to help you deal with things your illness and your wifes
    I hope your strength is better today take care okay
  7. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi nightflight,

    heh, you really think the government here thinks pain will get you into heaven? i think they think bureaucracy will get you into heaven. if you stack all the useless paperwork at the ausländerbehörde in a pile, you can probably climb up to heaven and talk to god directly.

    do you have anyone helping you take care of your wife? a nurse that visits regularly or anything like that? something like that is probably covered by health insurance.. or even other relatives? i can imagine that it is very stressful to have to care for someone else when you are also ill, but there must be a way to get some help doing it.. so that you can live your 20-year-old life sometimes too!

    take it easy
  8. Nightflight

    Nightflight Member

    Therapy...well I see the doctor every month. But therapy of my soul problems will not be paid be my health insurance. Standard psychological measures won`t chance a thing. I know, what my problems are and this kind of therapy used to be my job.
    I can say, this methods help not to go mad, but the problems still persist.
    It's a luck, that my wife needs no physical health care. But to see her suffer, due to her inability to deal with her daily activities herself makes me sad and feel helpless.
    It`s not that I could not leave her alone for a few hours, that`s not the problem.
    But it is sad to see she wants to accompany me, but she`s no power to go outside our flat, except for the monthly visit of the doctors. But the were times she didn`t go out for a year.
    Can you imagine what it feels like not to breath fresh air for over a year ?
    Her anxiety and physical weak- and sickness locks her up at home.......
    I would never tell someone to look at her and go on holiday on my own.
    Relatives.....well they disappeared, when they recognized and feared to be asked for assistence, cute, isn`t?

    yeah molotov our good christian people in our environment said, that god sent the pain and illnesses to improve our soul. grrrrrr. Like in the middle ages when they burnt the witches to save their souls from hell. Welcome to stone age !

    And our government`s opinion is not far away from those people.......

    But on the other side, they are glad about every ill person who dies, since they do not need to spend any money for him !

    Well now, it is what is, I cannot change it......

    But it feels good to talk about it. :)


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