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Hi All

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Last night was a bad night for me I really didn't want to be here anymore I still don't but I took myself to bed last night to stop me doing what I really was trying hard not to do :(

Im not a depressed sort of person usually im usually full of life and very bubbly after a failed suicide attempt at 18 and beating cancer twice (prob sent by god to punish me for trying to top myself dunno) beating that made me very glad and appreciate trees seasons clours everything.

but now im tired im tired of being here im tired of everything ive been through from a young age going through things that no child should ever go through a truly horrendous and traumatic childhood to run off with the first man who came along when i was just 17 who turned out to be a compulsive cheat and woman beater (and yeah still with him 25 yrs later)

trying to top myself at 18 cus i couldnt live with him any more and couldnt live without him either sad or what

he does have mental health problems so I brunt all the problems that crop up, i brought our 2 boys up alone as he was too busy being with his lady friends, and beating me when he got back cus he went on a guilt trip.

our youngest boy is autistic and i dealt with all the problems that came our way without any help, i almost dies from sceptasemia (sorry cant spell tonight brains dead) when our youngest was 7 weeks old i was in hospital for 15 days he came to see me once my mum had my babies i was just 20 yrs old

1st time i had cancer at 29 he wouldnt feed the boys i couldnt get off the sofa was in too much pain my neice n friend took my boys and fed them he said i spose i gotta feed my self then u fat f**k slag (i was a size 8 at the time due to being so ill) he then said i hope youve got cancer u bitch n die!!! well 1 of his wishes came true i was diagnosed with cancer 4 days later sadly for him i didnt die

i got cancer again at 35 and had a radical hysterectomy he was there for me this time tho the day i came out of hospital he did beat me nice man.

things toddled on i brought up my boys tried my best my boys had all the love they needed from me and anything they wanted too, i made sure of that i made my autistic boy as independent as hes ever going to be (which is quite independent tho he still has to see me everyday n i take him to dr's hospital etc he moved 4 doors down from me last november with his g/f and they now have a baby whom i love to bits)

i did this in case i got cancer again i had to make sure he would be ok without me.

i decided after being a full time mum since i was 19 that i now wanted a career plus we were struggling badly with debt etc
so i go get myself a job working with autistic adults.

In may this year things took a massive nosedive
I had bailiffs threatening me for ct owed, 5 days later my mum was rushed into hospital with a ruptured aorta and nearly died on me she refused the emergancy op to save her life and said let me go my dad and sister were crying begging her to have it she said no, so I looked at her said go then go on fuck off but im coming with you, and i can run faster than you and ill beat ya so go now piss off see you when u get there she had the op n survived.

a week after that i was badly attacked at work i suffered a slipped disc and sciatica was off work for 5 weeks but continued looking after mum and doing all the cooking and cleaning at home how i managed i dont know cus im in agony, my attack happened cus of a woman at work who hates me with a passion and she forced me into a position where i got attacked.

im now back at work (i had to see another dr to let me back as mine wouldnt let me) cus my husband was getting angry with me for being off said we were skint again etc etc i now know its cus he cant go have his flings when im home all the time.

i now feel like taking these strong painkillers ive got and going to bed and not waking up on earth i feel so tired im in agony i dont want sympathy i dont take sympathy at all but i just dont want to live im numb now was sobbing all last night only slept for 3 hours and been at pysio then straight to work for a 8 hr shift after. dont feel like crying im just numb my truamas from being tiny all the way through are haunting me and making me numb im not depressed or mentally ill just want to go and not come back

to top off this year so far my cousins just found out shes got a tumour and they think its cancer im being there for her at the mo and no one knows i feel like i do im sorry bout this long post
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total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi hun you have such a hard past but you fought hun you made it through I know you are tired now but now is the time to reach out to your doctor and tell him or her you need help okay. I am glad you are here reaching out as well hugs to you


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
Hello and welcome, You have been thru a world of shit.. It's no wonder you are so down.. Suicide is not the answer.. You have two boys who need there mom.. One for the rest of his life.. You have been the only influence to them..Sorry not trying to make you feel guilty.. Just stateing the obvious..
Hi Everyone

Im still here and still feel quite crappy been attacked badly again at work today:poo: so didnt lift my mood much now feeling bruised as well as like topping myself but hey im trying to look on the bright side :) thank you all for listening to me and ill post about my childhood soon its pretty grim reading though so perhaps i shouldn't it might upset n depress people :/ then again may make people think that if i can carry on going through what ive been through then so can they who knows :)
not sure if i will top myself at the mo cus I don't wanna go to hell and I just might if I do so im pretty undecided yet
thank you all again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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