Hey this is my first post, I just suddenly thought tonight I'd see if I could find a forum that helps with this kinda thing and here we are, perfect! I'm really just looking for a way of expressing my feelings which build up over time. So I picked this thread, hopefully its okay. I made sure I read through the rules of this forum first. The problem with me is I get sad & angry and I don't have any outlet for it, I end up sending random messages to friends or on other forums and people treat me like a freak or just ignore me entirely. I'm now 24 and basically I feel I'm fundamentally flawed, I've tried positive thinking, I've tried CBT, I've tried exercise & keeping myself busy. But I can never commit to them properly, the effort on them fades away... if I did any of them properly I'm sure I would be fine but I can't seem to pull it off. I avoid the word depression, because I don't think I'm entitled to such an emotion. I have suffered no loss or bereavement, my only problem is I'm unemployed and my only friends are over the internet. Funnily enough I have a lot of good friends over the internet and that is a great comfort to me. I try to keep myself busy by doing work for a charity one day a week (this is all I can motivate myself for) and doing half arsed job searches. But inevitably I end up at night wondering whether I should end my own life. I don't want to commit suicide believe me. But the feeling comes over me, and I have tried a few times but never gone through with it. What I'm thinking is that I'm the type that can't be cured of misery or suicidal thoughts, it will always be there. In my unemployment I have developed a drinking problem that my family are beginning to notice. My new years resolution is to never again drink for the purpose of getting drunk, only to drink as a side to whatever I'm doing. I have no idea whether that will work or whether its best to go cold turkey on drinking as this is when my suicidal thoughts are strongest. But while I'm drinking it seems to be the only time when I ever get freed of my guilt and can really feel content, so its extremely hard to let go of that feeling. I really don't mind whether anyone reads this or replies to this. Its just nice to be able to type my feelings without the worry of them coming back to haunt me. I don't know whether theres anything that can be done to "help" me. I just have to survive long enough to get a job. Even then I imagine its going to be tough. It really is difficult sometimes to carry on knowing I'll probably never be happy or content. Its like an uphill battle on a infinitely high mountain. I don't know, I'm going to spend some time reading through posts here. But I wonder if anyone has any tips on how to get by and fight these feelings. Thanks for reading.