Hi, it is crow again. I have decided that my joke of a life can not continue. This is final. I just want to tell my story to anyone who will listen. I await and expect the excrutiating pain of sharp cuts through my wrists. ( so, please, if anyone can give me details on how to cut well or have tried this, please post here so I can do it successfully ). A lot of people think I am ugly. A guy once said I look like a man. Another guy looked me in the face and asked me very seriously how he should talk to pretty girls, he said he just froze when he came near them. thanks. Then you get the few people who think I look good ( say my bone structure is perfect ) this freaks me out...if I could only once and for all know that I am hot or not I could bloody go on with my life and ignore the opposite sex or whatever. but no, everyone always has conflicting ideas about me. I'm smart, that is one thing I have. But nobody wants me to be smart. I hide my marks from people or I get bitchy jealous comments if they are revealed. Intelligence can not be mentioned around my friends or they go nuts. all of them. I have to tip toe around people. Comments like "you're smart but I'm hot" come up a lot. OK. Yes I am, and I have to endure these types of mentalities every day. I try to be nice to everyone, but after a while I feel irritated about it all. I had quote "hideous" acne for 7 years, and I was generally accepted to be the grossest thing that ever moved. no really, what I had can barely qualify as skin. i was a monster, and that is the truth. these thoughts haunt me over and over, the idea that if I don't take my pills I turn into an actual monster. shivers. Of course friends were overjoyed by this because the idea that i could be smart and normal looking was terrifying to them. and this really hurt me, that people could be so cruel. Basically, I live in fear and doubt about myself. I am dead scared that someone will say grosse what an ugly chick in my face or that I will become a monster again. I am so sad that my friends hate me for having one talent called smartness ( and no, i'm not Einstein, i'm smart but not brilliant ). I just want the confusion to end. Also I got a crush on a guy who served me in a restaurant once. I know, how sad, how pathetic, I hardly know the guy and think I am in love. he was good looking and had a great personality. And he was really nice to me. Of course I bitched him out because I thought he was feeling sorry for me( my skin was still quite bad back then anyway ). I was so mad that he could act normal around me and ask me questions like "what book are you reading" whilst he could see that I am a freak. He hated me ever since that day, but I liked him, because I saw he had a good, kind soul. Of course then I hate myself because how can I ever date or marry someone knowing my genetics is messed up grosse? I felt so guilty. Anyway, this just depressed me more. Basically, I just want peace in my life. I want people to stop judging me and being mean to me because I have talent. But I know it will never stop. And that is why I will buy a nice warm waffle with syrup and ice cream to celebrate my escape from this world, and then cut my wrists to pieces. I've really lived a horrible 19 years. "hideous" as people will point out...I wish you all the best of luck, and I expect insane amounts of pain, but it is worth it. Biologically I just can not continue this lie of a life.