I found this forum last night and I thought I'd sign up. I have been thinking about suicide seriously this year. But I haven't been suicidal all my life. I started considering it maybe two years ago when I lost all hope that my marriage will get any better. I went through a horrible year last year and found out that a group of people were shaming me and broadcasting it in their "shows" all throughout the US and the world. They were also tweeting humiliations back and forth and sniffed my internet activity, hacked my computer and made fun of the most intimate details of my life in their "shows." I can still hear the laughter of their "audience" in my ears. No one stood up to say this is wrong to humiliate a person like this. They all joined in with this bully who led the whole thing and this went on for years. Old age does not guarantee wisdom. Even very old people can still act like a gang of high school bullies. This year the desire to get out of this world is really strong. All my life I have been looking for someone I could trust but there is no one really. I am a Christian so I do trust in God but I am also human so I have been looking for somebody who will not hurt me. So far, in this life experience I realize that most people are selfish. Maybe there are a handful that are kind but they are already busy with their own circles. Most people are heartless and self-serving. Being a Christian stops me from killing myself. I don't want to open my eyes in the next life and find myself in hell. Maybe if I were certain that I would be with God then I would kill myself. However, I do think God forgives suicides because he considers all circumstances leading to that person's death. He sees all things and sees all the harm done to a person who would lead one to end the pain. I understand now what "poor in spirit" means and the poor in spirit are blessed and the kingdom of heaven is theirs. I never understood before what poor in spirit meant. God must love those of us who are hurting so much, that we could take our own lives, because he has offered us the kingdom of heaven. I don't think the arrogant bullies which maybe would mean the "strong in spirit" would go to heaven. I hope they don't go to heaven because that is not just and fair and the God I know is just and fair. I am glad I found this forum. Thanks for reading my long Christian rant. What do you believe?