Hi everyone, I'm new here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Dark~ness, Aug 19, 2008.

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  1. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    Hey all,

    Can I just start by saying what a great site this is. I really appreciate people taking the time to start up a place like this. From what I have read so far, everyone seems really understanding, I guess we're all here for the same reason, right?

    Well, a little about me... I've been depressed for the last 3 years. Anxiety and panic attacks alongside. The depression is the hardest to control. I attempted suicide a couple of years ago. But the suicidal feelings have been with me for most of the time I've been ill. In the time I've been ill, I've seen a psychiatrist, a CPN, a counsellor, a psychologist, a psychotherapist, and a GP. My life has come to a complete standstill, and I just don't know which way to turn. Over the past year, things weren't so bad. I thought I was getting somewhere. But I have so much going on in my life right now, and I just can't handle it. I don't have the energy. I'm back on my road to self destruction. I'm back drinking every night, punching walls, shutting myself away from the world. Recently, I decided it was best not to see my psychotherapist anymore (he is the only person I've been seeing). I felt I was too attached to him, and vice versa. I didn't feel worthy of his kindness, I couldn't accept it. I had reached the point where I couldn't talk, it was easier not to... We had made a contract, and part of that contract was that I wasn't allowed to commit suicide while I was working with him. I can't promise that anymore. And I don't want to be living because someone else has told me so... I know he would be hurt if I was to commit suicide, and that is why I need to break all ties. I need to be free.

    I've had things happen to me in my life that no-one should ever have to go through. I've had the people who are meant to be closest to me in the world, hurt me in ways I never knew possible. I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust myself. What do you do when you're holding on with everything you've got, but you know life could throw more things at you. There's space for you to go even lower, but you know you're not going to handle it when it happens?

    I don't feel safe talking about any of this, but here, I hope people here can understand?

    Thanks for letting me be a part of this wonderful place,

    D x
     
  2. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Hello. Welcome to S.F :) :hug:
     
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums.
     
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    first off :welcome: to sf. i'm sorry you feel it's time to cut your ties from your psychotherapist. i know exactly how it feels to be under the arrangement that you won't take your life while you're seeing someone though. one of my doc's said if i try he won't treat me anymore. it is jacked up. please try and hang in there though. continue to please share with us as you feel you can. we'll do our best to listen. please take care and stay safe.
     
  5. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Hi, sorry to hear you're going through all this confusion and feelings od despair. I hope that you'll share more with us and that you find some sort of support and encouragement here to help you see things more positively and ultimately to help yourself, or find a way to help yourself.

    Welcome :)
     
  6. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    welcome to the forum :)
    I'm glad you found us :hug:
    I've found this place quite helpful and I'm sure you will too.
     
  7. Nyu

    Nyu Well-Known Member

    Welcome :hug:
     
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I can understand what you are saying about your psychotherapist, but I hope you will at least see someone if you won't see him. A good support system is very important. :hug:
     
  9. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    'ey there, welcome welcome =)
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :welcome:
     
  11. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    Thankyou to everyone, for all the replies :hug:

    My psychotherapist said the same thing to me. It is strange now though, as up until recently, I was so attached to him and would never have contemplated not seeing him. But now, I just can't see him... He doesn't have the hold over me that he once did. I was seeing him 4 times a week to begin with - and contacting him outside of the sessions too. I then saw him twice a week for a long time. But recently, started seeing him once a week. I've been missing lots of sessions recently. I feel it's time to let go. I just don't see what good it is doing, by seeing him... as to be honest, my life hasn't changed an awful lot, I still get the thoughts and feelings I always did, and the same patterns of behaviour, and I still can't talk about some things that have possibly made me the way I am today. So all I'm really doing is making him frustrated that he can't help, and making myself frustrated. I can't see past this.

    Anyway, I hope to see you around the forum, and thanks again for the replies :hug:

    D x
     
  12. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum.

    You're right, we are all here for the same reasons and that makes it really easy to be yourself on here and to meet new friends.

    I hope we can help you :smile:
     
  13. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    Thanks sam :hug:

    D x
     
  14. Bagpuss18

    Bagpuss18 Well-Known Member

    heya,

    you really have come to the right place!

    i know what you're feeling, as does pretty much everyone on here. post away, we wont judge you.

    im around when needed.

    mj

    x x x x
     
  15. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum and enjoy your stay here!
     
  16. Moose

    Moose Well-Known Member

    Hey dude, we've met before!

    On the chat room :p

    Sorry for not sticking around to chat but i was in a bit of..trouble that night :tongue:

    I cant go on the chat anymore, but i dont really mind :p

    Add me on msn though, always up for a chat :smile:

    Hope everything picks up for you :biggrin:
     
  17. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    Thanks mj, cerise_wrists, and PromoStarr :hug:

    D x
     
  18. Izziebabystar

    Izziebabystar Well-Known Member

    you seem cool
    so yeh welcome to the nutty world of sf
    if you ever need to talk come get me im online most of the time
    xxxx
     
  19. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    Was good talking to you in chat izzie :hug: Talk soon, take care.

    D x
     
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