Hi everyone

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by RobFrostFan, Apr 18, 2014.

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  1. RobFrostFan

    RobFrostFan Member

    I came to this forum on a recommendation on a certain website (don't know if it's okay to formally address the website). Obviously I came here because I have certain 'tendencies' and the group that I am in has twice the risk of suicide of depression because of our former line of work (It's a double-edged sword; It's comforting knowing that I am not alone, but at the same time the suicide rates in this group are staggering and the success/ failure rate is extremely high too. Sometimes I wonder if I should just fall into those statistics). I guess I should explain my situation. I've been depressed nearly all my life. When I was young, I did use to cut myself (usually choosing areas where no one would normally see; shoulders and thigh). I am very good at hiding my feelings. For my entire life, I'd cry in seer agony at night, wake up the next day, go to work, smile, laugh, talk to friends, etc. That was until very recently in my life. I had a terrible break up with my daughter's mother (I walked away), and in my solitude and heart-wrenching agony, I started to read... a lot. I read everything on mental issues, how to have effect relationships, how our society has developed a love/hate relationship with violence and coercion, philosophy, depression, etc. Through these readings and youtube videos, I began an incredible journey of loving myself, accepting the past, and for the first time in my life, I was extremely happy. I woke up, looked in the mirror and smiled. I saw the beauty all around me. I loved life and wanted to experience all it's wonders and follow my dreams. I wanted to help others and put down all of my judgements.
    Everything was until about 8 days ago. The mother of daughter is keeping her away from me. She gets so angry and verbally abusive, all stemming from a question I asked. I am nice, honest, and in no way disrespectful, but she judging me for my actions before I changed and fought my inner demons. And now I'm struggling. I feel like there's no hope. If I go to court, I will most likely end up losing my daughter and end up paying child support, which will ruin my life. I don't want a massive legal battle, I just want to be apart of my beautiful daughters life. I love her so much. The feelings I have are so different, before I used to think about suicide. Obviously when I was happy, there was no need to even think about that. Now, it's like it's my only option. About 3 days ago, I started looking up the best method to end it all. I read a lot of 'don't do it' stuff that's posted on the website as well and went to bed that night. When I woke up, I decided I'm going to beat this depression and continue on my path. Last night though, I fell down again. I tried to communicate and talk to the mother again, being extremely caring and nice, regardless of her hurtful words, and she threatened a restraining order on me. I went back to the website and they recommended this forum. I wish I could have talked to someone last night, because I was in a lot of pain. I ended up crying my eyes out until I just fell asleep. Before, with the self-harm, suicide was a passing thought. Now though, I don't want to hurt myself, but when I think about suicide, it sounds like a nice escape. After living my life with so much depression, 'fixing' myself and becoming happy, and now this, suicide just sounds nice... I've had these thoughts for a few days...
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi and welcome to SF

    I have read your post about three times now trying to make some sense of it, and concluded I can't. I am unsure what "tendencies" you have or what line of work would have a higher risk of suicide, apart from the military, but I don't want to just assume that is what you are referring to.

    It is good that you found a path that made you happy and I am sorry that the past has reared its ugly head in some way. What happened 8 days ago to take you from presumably a reasonable relationship with your daughter's mother, to this now? What grounds does she have to keep your daughter away from you? You say that if it went to court you would expect to lose access... that is actually far rarer than you think; you have rights as a father, unless there is some reason you think that a court would think your daughter is unsafe in your custody?

    If the thought of being without your daughter is the primary reason for suicidal feelings at this time, I would remind you that killing yourself means never seeing her again for sure, and leaving her without a father. 8 days is not a very long time for whatever blew up to blow over or for tensions to recede. All does not seem to be lost, from an outsiders perspective.

    Please keep talking, and stay safe :hug:
  3. RobFrostFan

    RobFrostFan Member

    Thank you for your kind word Freya. Sorry, I know I wasn't giving much information and much of it didn't make much sense... I was having heavy anxiety and crying throughout it. Let me try to clarify:

    The tendencies I was talking about was suicidal thought, which is a given since I am on these forums.

    Yes, I am a veteran of active duty military, though I never served in combat. When I was in, we were very well informed about the suicide rates while servicing, and when you leave the service. The rates are very staggering, but not a surprise. Divorce, ended relationships, child issues, PTSD, lack of employment, lack of understanding from those who haven't served, etc.

    When I left active duty, I cannot describe how happy I was. I felt like a free man. And as I said, I looked deep inside myself and why I acted the way I did. I was self loathing and brutal to myself and was often critical of others around me. My father was retired military. I joined the military. I don't want to use this as an excuse, but that's what I knew. Violence and coercion were known to me since birth. There was only right way to do something and everything else was asinine and 'wrong'. So when I was in, I met a female and we became romantic. We stayed faithfully together for a good while, but we were not in a healthy relationship. She got pregnant with my beautiful daughter. I didn't get to witness her birth because I was away. Then immediately when I got home, I had to leave again for about a month. When I came back, I couldn't take it. I hated being in the military. I wasn't happy with our relationship. My command worked us to the bone (18 hour days were not unheard of, the standard being +12 hours a day, +6 days a week), and add a baby on top of that. So when I returned, I left my daughter and her mother and moved out. Something inside me said that something dramatic had to be done. But boy did it hurt. It was so painful, all alone, leaving the loves of my life behind. And I did a lot of immature things. I stayed out late and partied and drank. And if I wasn't doing that, or working, I was spending my time with my daughter. I don't regret leaving, but I wish I didn't turn to the lifestyle that is so romanticized in the military. Like I said, I also read. A lot. I knew I had to change. So I read everything I could. And I did change. I did these crazy exercises like looking myself in the mirror and telling myself, "I love you". It is difficult and painful. I also tried to smile when I was in emotional pain. But it worked. I found myself not being so hard on myself or the world. So I tried reconciling with my ex but she refused. I explained everything to her, but she still said no. That was like 1 step forward 2 steps back. But I decided to be active in my daughter's life and live my life. I decided to move back to my hometown, far away from base, to get support from my family. I told my ex my idea, and how all my friends were going on a 10 month deployment, so if I stayed I'd be alone. She agreed to me doing that and working with me so I could get my daughter.

    This turned out to be a mistake. She resented me at every turn. But we often resolved the matter and I saw my daughter frequently. Until now. I asked her if we could change the schedule because of conflicts with my school and work and my parents work. She refused, cussed me out, told me I was a horrible person, said my dreams weren't worth chasing and that I'm not good enough. It was painful to hear those words, but I kept strong and didn't let the negativity consume me, for the most part. I texted her yesterday and she said if I don't leave her alone, she'll file a restraining order.

    I am financially not ready for a court battle (in debt due to me getting out and moving, also I gave her around $2,000 because she was being verbally abusive about finances so I 'just threw money at her' via wire transfer). I don't want to fight and lose custody and pay backed child support. I'm trying to get a mortgage and set up my life and provide her my daughter. I'm pursuing my dream career too, which is actually paying off (not a lot, but no ever said it was going to be easy). But she has so much hate in her heart for me.

    I am trying to live a happy and healthy life. I'm proud of how I've my mental state around, but it's like a never-ending battle. No matter how much I progress, my past weighs me down.

    As for today, It stated off rough. I don't even remember much of the morning. I just went on auto-pilot because I'm emotionally drained, but I had a obligation to do at work, so I got dressed and pressed on. I talked to my boss about the situation. And I didn't show emotion (I have trouble opening up to people), but he could tell something was off. He gave me some sound advice and I've found some strength to carry on. I want to create this beautiful life for myself and my daughter, but sometimes I just want out...

    I'm fighting this idea for now. I hope to be an active member here. I like helping others and hopefully since I was met the ugly face of misery I can relate to others in their plight and get help as well. I'm struggling right now, and any support would be much appreciated.

    BTW, I love the Ayn Rand quote. I love her works. As my handle also suggests, I love Robert Frost's work as well. So inspirational. Thanks for the reply again. I kept on hitting the refresh button hoping someone would say something. It was killing me that no one was.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hi RobFrostFan, welcome to the site. :)

    I'm sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you. I know the feeling of trying to overcome the constant feelings of sorrow, depression, etc. It's like a constant uphill battle. I know I need to find things to occupy my time, because I can't let my mind drift for long. I hope that posting here will help you. The good thing is that there is always someone listening on the other end.

    I'm sorry that you felt sort of ignored, sometimes the site is just slow on replies. It depends on how many people are online at the time. I'm usually online, so if you need someone to talk to, I'm always around. Or even just posting here, someone will always answer. I'm sorry that I'm not getting too indepth into your post, I'm having a hard time myself and my mind is a bit clouded. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. :hug:
  5. RobFrostFan

    RobFrostFan Member

    Thanks for the much needed support WS. I'm glad I stumbled upon that suicide website that led me here. It's nice to get support.

    I hope everything gets better for you! I know how it can be. When you're 'in the pit' (as I call it), it's hard to pay attention to anything or notice what is happening. Best wishes!
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    It is nice to get support. :) Sometimes that can boost your mood, even just a little bit. If not for this site, I know I'd really be lost. Thanks for the well wishes. :) It's just that today reminds me of something I don't want to remember, so it's hit me particularly hard. I hope things get better for you, too, and I mean that sincerely. :)
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