Hi everyone

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Georgie, Jun 17, 2007.

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  1. Georgie

    Georgie New Member

    Hi, I found this site whilst looking for ways to better support my friend after her 19 year old son took his life 4 weeks ago. I feel so useless and unsure of whether or not i am being a pest if i call her everyday.She is heartbroken and so is her husband,they have 3 other kids that are struggling to accept that their brother is gone. How can i help her other than by cooking ,visiting and listening? I would appreciate any response Thanks :)
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you are being a supportive friend and that is what they need right now. Continue to listen and spend time with them. If they want to talk about things, let them. Maybe go for occasional walks. They probably are unsure of what they need themselves. I am glad to hear you are being proactive and not waiting for them to ask for help, because usually people don't. Their are some good survivors of suicide groups. I am not sure what you have available in your area. You can also find some things on the internet. Google suicide grief, it will take you to where you can find some information. Another site is www.survivorsofsuicide.com. You may offer to help them make a scrapbook of their son. You know them and will have to determine if they are ready for this. It helps to relive the good times and take the focus off of the suicide. They may want to plant a shrub or garden in his memory. I don't know if you find any of this helpful, but the most important thing you can do is continue to offer support. Realize that anniversaries will be difficult days and they may need a little extra. Things like his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving. Any time that would bring the family together for celebration they will feel his absence. Realize that this will take time and so many times support is given for a short amount of time and then everyone starts to resume their normal lives. They need the support to be ongoing, not short term. I wish you the best in your effort to help them through. You are a dear friend. Take care of yourself as well. :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 17, 2007
  3. rd9671

    rd9671 Guest

    Gentlelady --well said, the only thing I would add to that is Georgie Please remember to also take care of yourself. Please find your own release valve for the stresses that you will undergo as well. I am not suggesting that you need to get professional help or anything (although it would not hurt) just that you take care of yourself. And at times you will need to take brief 'vacations'.
     
  4. Georgie

    Georgie New Member

    Thankyou gentlelady and rd..your responses were wonderful to hear and will keep me going on the track i am on. I was very close to her son also..he used to visit me twice a week and i knew he was struggling but i didnt realise how severley..needless to say, I feel so very guilty and ashamed i didnt share my concerns with his parents. I understand that with suicide that guilt is a stage of grief..and from spending time with others that loved him i also realise that everyone feels as i do..shocked, incredibly sad, and in some way responsible..I thank you both for your replies to my post and also to rd for pointing out that i must take care of myself too. My father died suddenly from a stroke at easter so grief and support seems to be my full time occupation at the moment. I am also a mother of 3...my eldest being 16 and she has taken her Grandfathers and Nicks death really hard. I guess time will help..and lots of hugs. :)
    Thanks again
    G
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father as well Georgie. It is hard when you are trying to be the support sytem for so many other people and you are in need of some tls yourself. Since you all share in this grief, you can support each other. It is important to make sure you take the time to grieve and care for yourself. Sometimes in our need to take care of everyone else we push our grief aside and then it overwhelms us at a later point. Do not carry the guilt of suicide. Even if you may have noticed warning signs. It was his choice to make. Ultimately his decision. The responsibility for his death lies on none of your shoulders, but with him. I know that is hard to accept. We spend so much time wondering if we could have or should have done something differently. If it would have changed the outcome. The only person that could answer that truthfully is the young boy and I think his answer would be no. Start some traditions with your families to celebrate the lives of both of these individuals. Celebrate the time you were given, the memories you have. Grieve for the losses, but remeber it is ourselves we truly grieve for. The emptiness in our lives without them. So if we fill those empty places with good memories, the emptiness can fade. My thoughts are with both of your families. May you find peace. :hug:
     
  6. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    i think you are doing the best you can. you are being a friend. that is what is needed. sorry to hear about your father also. stay strong and supportive. you are doing the right thing.
     
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