I joined yesterday and started posting before I saw this introduction forum. It's kinda crazy but a big relief to be able to talk about the big taboo subject. I am all grown up and then some, and I have been suicidal all my life. I wanted out from the time I was a child. Things were really hard at home, and I had no brothers or sisters, so I had to deal all alone. I found out not too long ago I have Asperger's and this explains a lot. I have always felt lonely and found it hard to maintain friendships. But I did manage to have a family, but it's all gone now. I have a son who was caught in a bomb blast defusing a bomb in Iraq. He lost an arm, both of his eyes, and has brain damage. This tore my family apart, and they all blame me, for "being so emotional." If they could only know what I went through to try to keep it all in, until it made me sick. I finally understood I could not help my son anymore, and I had to let him find his way back to life himself. After he came home things went horribly wrong, and I ended up leaving to get away from how bad things were with my husband and my son's wife. But I simply could not handle it anymore and I was skirting the abyss, but wanted to try to make a new life. That effort has failed. That was 3 years ago and it has been a relentless experience of emotional hell. Of my 4 sons only one talks to me now. The other 3 have closed the door permanently. My husband pulled a fast one and I found out my name is not on our house. So here I am, with nothing, just swept under the carpet. If this were a single episode, I would think it would pass. But it is a pattern, and because of my Asperger's I will never be able to do any better. People are a mystery and I cannot connect in the ways others can. I am not sure what to do with myself...but I am sure I have reached the limit of my ability to endure how I feel. Just can't go on feeling this bad. Mornings are the worst.