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Hi from a new member

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by bluemummy09, Dec 14, 2009.

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  1. bluemummy09

    bluemummy09 Member

    Hi all,

    I've just joined SF today and am hoping to gain some...I dunno, like hop or something?, from seeing that there are other (alive) people out there who may be feeling some of the same things as me.

    I've been really really mentally ill since the birth of my baby almost 15 months ago. I lost half the blood in my body and almost died and part of me feels like I never really came back to life. I have a beautiful daughter which is what I've wanted my whole life but I haven't been able to enjoy her. The first year of her life we spent a total of 4 months in hospital (it was a mother baby unit so she was there with me). It helped, and I sort of got on track but things kept coming up and dragging me back down. I've been diagnosed with lotsa things, mainly post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, dissociative disorder and a type of bi-polar...which all sounds very exciting but basically it means I can't sleep, I spend all day on edge, and I cycle from being extremely agitated, anxious and manic and not eating :sparkle:, and being depressed, tired, unmotivated and eating all the time. :robin:

    I think it's time which has really made things worse. When I was first admitted to hospital I still had so much hope especially in medications, but 15 months on I'm in an even worse position and now am being hospitalized away from my baby and she has had to go to day care, I've tried 4 different anti-depressants, two mood stabilizers and a bunch of anti-anxieties and sleeping pills, none of which have helped greatly. It seems like no-one really knows what to do with me :mortdesinos:

    The hardest thing of all was when just completely gave up. I've always been a strong person with a strong faith in Life and Things Working Out Ok In The End, but a few months ago I just lost it. There is no longer a light at the end of the tunnel...if that makes sense to anyone? The whole suicide thing comes and goes in intensity. I just recently got out of a very intense hospital and my husband is very nervous about having me home as he doesn't want to find me gone one morning...(fair enough)

    I feel more dead than alive, like all this (life) is just a weird dream that's not real and so everything I do doesn't matter. It feels like I'm not committed to Life or something, like there's no point doing anything cuz I'm gonna be gone soon.

    I don't want to though (go). Well I do but I don't. Sometimes it's like it's something outside of me that I have to fight against, but other times when it's really bad it's inside of me and I feel in so much pain I'd do anything at all to make it stop.

    Well that's my ramble anyway :IrishDoll:
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Bluemummy,
    Have you tried therapy?? They can help you to get to the root of what is going on..As far as meds go, it's a shot in the dark because everyones body chemistry is different..I'm on six different meds well make that seven now because they just added another one because I don't sleep..Give the meds some time to work.. They will have to make changes either in dosage or the med itself..Welcome to the forums!! Take care!!!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Therapy is the best way talking to someone who will guide you through it really helps hope you find meds that work I bet your daughter is beautiful and hope you can hold her soon as her smile will help as well. take care
  4. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me. :hug: :hug:
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to sf :)
  6. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hi there! I hope you can find exactly what you need here in SF. We're always ready to listen to your problems and issues :)
  7. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    You'll get your child back, then you can hopefully find joy. Welcome.
  8. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Welcome. :hug:
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. Sounds like maybe you had post partum blues after your baby was born. This is not so uncommon. With therapy and possibly the right combinations of medication, perhaps that and your other issues can be gotten under control so you can work towards getting back on track in your life. i wish you well. :hug:
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