Hi from Steve

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Azathoth, Aug 9, 2007.

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  1. Azathoth

    Azathoth Member

    Hi - this sort of thing is new to me, so please bear with me...

    I am a survivor of abuse, although what type is deep inside me, too deep to reach. When I was seventeen, I attempted suicide (I'm 49 now) although I was not successful. What I remember was the profound sense of relief when I made the decision; it was like all of the pain and suffering were gone in one instant. When I made the attempt, all I remember was looking out the bathroom window and seeing the night - black and with no detail, with a terrible sense of finality.

    During the attempt, I went out into the void. There was a borderline, and a being of light (I'm not terribly religious, so I'll refrain from calling it God). It felt sad for me and asked my why I was there. Our communication was through pictures and ideas not words, so the conversation was short. The being told me that it was not my time and that I had to go back. I awoke the next morning, got up, ate breakfast and went to school. I felt like I was detached from the world; like I was a ghost and nothing could touch me. Eventually I came to terms with what happened, but the peace and serenity, acceptance and love of that time has always stayed with me.

    Now (at age 49), I find myself longing for that peace. I have diabetes, a heart problem (doc's don't know what), I'm overweight and most importantly, I have no joy in life. Thoughts of suicide come and go, and I ache for that love that I felt in the void. I am tired of pain, and I am on the verge of tears as I write this. I want to go to sleep; sleep forever with nothing to disturb me. I want to go where my two dogs have gone and spend eternity with them, playing and loving one another. More and more, I look to my future and think that, if this is what things are to be, then it's time. Time to let go.

    Ursula LeGuin wrote "Heal the wound and cure the illness, but let the dying spirit go". My spirit has been dying for years and I desparately wish the time would come to leave this world.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the site Steve.

    Although you feel you want to let go now, stay awhile with us. Here you will find a friendly ear and people to share the bad and good times.
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are a very eloquent writer and I can feel the pain in your words. I understand your need to find the peace you found at 17. Remember that feeling and know that you can once again find it without ending your life. I hope you will stay with us and let us help support you in any way we can. We are good at listening and offering friendship. If you need someone to talk with feel free to PM me. I will get back with you as soon as i can. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
     
  4. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: Welcome!

    If you need any help around the forum, just PM me :smile:
     
  5. RunningAway

    RunningAway Well-Known Member

    Hello :hug:

    I am sorry to hear you in so much pain. I wish I could do something to help. But you have me here if you wish to talk or have someone who will support you.

    :hug:
     
  6. Myself

    Myself Active Member

    Um.

    Ooh!
    OOH!
    OOH!
    PICK ME!

    I'll be your friend/helpfull person/laughter causer/shout box. Just pm me and you can just SCREAM! And talk and stuff. I wanna help people, because helping people gives you a warm fuzzy feeling, and there's not much oportinities to help with in this small town in which I live. And help on the internet can be better, because you know the person can't do anything to realy hurt you in any way.

    So, uh, pm me and we'll have a nice, funny, random, friendly SCREAMY! talk.
     
  7. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF steve,
    I hope you can find the help and support you need here.
    If you ever need anything or just want a person to talk to feel free to email or PM me anytime.

    Take care,
    Ally.
     
  8. Azathoth

    Azathoth Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner - I checked the site on Friday, but I was at work and the first two lines of gentlelady's signature (?) really got to me. I had to close the browser and find some coding to do so I didn't break down.

    I just looked and I couldn't believe how many people posted a reply to my message. It made me smile and sad at the same time (don't know why - my emotions are kinda fragile lately). Thank you all for caring. I know that's a pretty lame show of gratitude, but I don't have any better words.

    I'm starting to tear up right now, so I have to go again. Please, please don't feel that I'm ignoring you - it's just that I can't cry right now. I don't have too much privacy and I don't want other people in my house to know. Also, if I fill my life with work, I can ignore the pain.

    Love to you all,
    Steve
     
  9. LittleSparkles13

    LittleSparkles13 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF
     
  10. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    welcome :) :hug:
     
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