Hi guys, I'm new.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jeremysb, Jan 9, 2015.

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  1. jeremysb

    jeremysb New Member

    I've never been good at introducing myself, so I'll do the best I can.
    I'm Jeremy. I'm nineteen. I'm dealing with long-term depression and habitual suicidal thoughts. I dream about suicide, I spend late nights trying to sleep whilst being bombarded by thoughts of ending my own life. I have no one to turn to. I have no friends, no hobbies, no goals, no ambition. I'm a hopeless soul, impatiently waiting on someone to come rescue me from myself. This year wasn't my year at all, everything that could have went wrong, went wrong.
    Now, let me explain how. This is a lot that needs to be spilled, though I've vented about it on certain forums like Reddit, I didn't get enough feedback to help.

    To explain why I feel this way, why I'm in this situation, starts out with a girl. Someone I had, when I had no one else. She left me for better, when I needed her the most. Please, bare with me here. You're probably thinking 'Oh wow, generic tale about a young boy who got his heart broken', but that's not it. It's all the events around the time I met her, dated her, and us breaking up that's what is causing me such grief. She was 21, a little bit older than me. The most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on. I'm going to call her Nicole so my story doesn't get mixed up. We met on a site, an avatar-based site, where we started out as friend that slowly grew into a long-distance relationship. Everything was going smooth between me and her, we slowly fell in love and our relationship grew into something I could only dream of. We spent months just occupying vast amounts of time online together doing stuff, playing games, watching movies, camming, everything distanced couples are limited to. She was my escape, she played a big role in my happiness. She helped me bare my alcoholic mother who constantly mistreated me. I kept getting kicked out of my own home for petty things. I could always log in and know I wouldn't have to worry about these things because I ultimately had Nicole. She gave me a place to stay, I traveled 600 miles on a Greyhound bus to go live with her. Everything was perfect. We spoiled each other, treated each other like royalty, loved each other, you know all the respective benefits of moving in with someone you love. That was honestly the mistake though, we shouldn't have made decisions so ignorantly. I had NO idea what I was getting into. Everything started out golden, then everything went to hell because of many reasons... Nicole's mom had issues of her own, that led to her treating me and Nicole poorly. Nicole would become depressed, I would lecture her about things that bothered me. I seem to have abused that. She was a very genuine lover of which I had no reason to worry, nor lecture her. She was mine. Well, the arguing, the fighting, the depression, it affected both of us. We had to move on, but I didn't have the balls to end it. I leaned on her like a crutch, I loved her and wanted her so I could feel save. Even though I didn't absolutely need her, I wanted to keep her. I came up to my hometown to attend my brother's wedding around April of this year, I was waiting impatiently to come back home to Nicole. We began arguing fiercely. Things got rough, she said f- it and ended the relationship. She assured me, even after we had broken up that she had never loved any other as much as she has me. Which can't be true, for obvious reasons. Still, I loved her. I still love her. But she broke up with me, when I needed someone the most. Then she lied to me about seeing someone else, who she was seeing almost immediately as we had broken up. She left me for someone better. This ugly, nerdy douchebag who looks like a beefy mop. I don't quite understand how that's an upgrade, but it does make me question my self worth. She was the first girl of many that I had ever loved.

    That's basically the summary to Nicole, it's a lot more detailed than that but the more I think about it the more physically sick I get.

    Now, there are other key things that are leaving me with suicidal thoughts. I'm 19, I don't have my driver's license, barely driven, no High School Diploma or certificate similar to such. I am currently enrolled into GED classing, which I'm getting my ass kicked in Math because I have ADHD/ADD, bad. I can't ever concentrate. I can't ever get enough done. I want to learn so much, I want to do so much and evolve as a person but it's hard to when I can't stop thinking. I can't get my mind to cease racing. It keeps going, it's going right now, and it won't show any mercy. I have no type of insurance to get any prescription drugs to help. I smoke a ton of pot, but it can make my ADD/ADHD worse occasionally. My mind racing is the main reason I'm so depressed, I want to be able to think clearly and to be able to comprehend and learn new things much easier than I do now. I can't make any friend because my anxiety has became much worse over the years. I have interacted, hung out and met new people but I just can't make a connection with anyone anymore. I can't make genuine friends. I have only one friend, my best friend since middle school and he lives miles from me. I get to see him on certain occasions, and he's basically one of the main reasons I haven't done anything stupid. I have no one except for him. I'm very self conscious and always harshly judging myself for every little thing. I basically can't stand ME. I don't see how anyone can, and it makes perfect sense why I can't make friends like I used to. I used to be funny and have an entire arsenal of friends. Idk where I went wrong. My mother is an alcoholic, bad. She drinks as much as she possibly can and it's killing her. Alcohol is her highest priority. I love her, but she won't be around for long and I can't help that. I've tried countless times. I continue to try.

    I am just lost. I'm afraid. I'm weak. I'm a lot of things.

    I want to find happiness in myself. I want to have a life, a good one. I want to meet new people. I want to try new things. Travel.
    I'm afraid I won't experience much in life because of all these surrounding factors of being incapable of returning to a healthy state of mind. I no longer wish to live.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It takes time to find the right medication plus therapy to help your mind stop the racing adhd is treatable No one will safe you ok you have to do that by reaching out to the people who can support you. Councilors at your school you doctor You have to look after you ok YOu mom is an adult and need to take responsibility for her addiction

    One step at a time you can have a healthier mind
  3. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Hey Jeremy
    it probably doesn't matter, but I'd like to let you know that I'm 15.
    You told a lot about Nicole, you can't really get over her, right? In a way, I have the same problem. I won't tell you that it's easy, but it is possible to get over her. What helped me quite a lot was listening to songs dealing with that. It makes me understand that there were a lot of other people before me that were in the same situation.
    Suicidal thoughts are really sticky, they just won't seem to go away, no matter what you try. But they can! You will probably need a little help though. Or a situation in which you think "what a luck that I survived that..!" (worked for me, I never reached out to anyone except for my one friend that lives in another country; I have never been able to reach out or get professional help since then my parents would get to know and they'd hate me for it forever (and as they found out last year, now they hate me and want me to move somewhere far away as soon as possible)). Your best friend, can you talk to him about how you feel? It helps to talk about that to people you personally know, because they usually know you best and give you good advice.
    ADHD can be treated, as total_eclipse already said. It just depends on the right medication. You should talk to your doctor about it, you will be helped.

    Please take care, okay?
    - Cooki
  4. jeremysb

    jeremysb New Member

    I really appreciate your concern.
    It's really nice to meet you, Cooki.
    Since you decided to share some of your story of why you aren't completely up to par with happiness, I can give some perspective addressing your issues as well.

    It's really not so much that I can't get over Nicole, it's that I can't get over what she did to me. I still love her, but I don't think about her intimately or romantically anymore, or wish that I still had her in such ways. It's the emotional toll she's left on me, the physical damage of losing so much weight from depression due to all these issues cluttered and encumbering me, my anxiety was bad but now it's through the roof, it's just too much to understand.

    My best friend helps, and he talks to me, he just doesn't know exactly what to say. He makes everything so much better, but I can't have him by my side keeping my mood content indefinitely, only temporarily. Which is another problem, as I should be able to take care of myself and keep my own self happy without relying on anyone else. I wish I knew how. I don't know how to make myself happy. It's difficult.

    I don't have a doctor. I don't have insurance. I have no way to see a doctor until I can apply for medic-aid which will be a bit from now and as soon as I do they'll need to process it and even then there's a possibility that I'm denied. Pot will have to suffice until then.

    Now, you say your family hates you? That they want you to move far away because they have something that's so harshly against you that they don't want your presence anywhere near them anymore? That's ridiculous. By first impression, I don't see any reason for them to. If that's the deal, people like you deserve much more than they receive. There's not one soul on this Earth worth dying because of. We're all carbonated beings with our own unique qualities. It seems like the hardest times of our lives, we grow the most.

    What a battle we're forced to endure.
    It's just a brutal experience, once we're over these obstacles there is a glorious torch, which represents the happiness we deserve and will one day receive, we'll take that torch and guide it through the rest of our lives into the infinity of our afterlife, where no outside source could distinguish the flame that burns brighter than a million stars.

    I hope you have a wonderful day today, Cooki. I appreciate the advice.
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