I've never been good at introducing myself, so I'll do the best I can. I'm Jeremy. I'm nineteen. I'm dealing with long-term depression and habitual suicidal thoughts. I dream about suicide, I spend late nights trying to sleep whilst being bombarded by thoughts of ending my own life. I have no one to turn to. I have no friends, no hobbies, no goals, no ambition. I'm a hopeless soul, impatiently waiting on someone to come rescue me from myself. This year wasn't my year at all, everything that could have went wrong, went wrong. Now, let me explain how. This is a lot that needs to be spilled, though I've vented about it on certain forums like Reddit, I didn't get enough feedback to help. To explain why I feel this way, why I'm in this situation, starts out with a girl. Someone I had, when I had no one else. She left me for better, when I needed her the most. Please, bare with me here. You're probably thinking 'Oh wow, generic tale about a young boy who got his heart broken', but that's not it. It's all the events around the time I met her, dated her, and us breaking up that's what is causing me such grief. She was 21, a little bit older than me. The most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on. I'm going to call her Nicole so my story doesn't get mixed up. We met on a site, an avatar-based site, where we started out as friend that slowly grew into a long-distance relationship. Everything was going smooth between me and her, we slowly fell in love and our relationship grew into something I could only dream of. We spent months just occupying vast amounts of time online together doing stuff, playing games, watching movies, camming, everything distanced couples are limited to. She was my escape, she played a big role in my happiness. She helped me bare my alcoholic mother who constantly mistreated me. I kept getting kicked out of my own home for petty things. I could always log in and know I wouldn't have to worry about these things because I ultimately had Nicole. She gave me a place to stay, I traveled 600 miles on a Greyhound bus to go live with her. Everything was perfect. We spoiled each other, treated each other like royalty, loved each other, you know all the respective benefits of moving in with someone you love. That was honestly the mistake though, we shouldn't have made decisions so ignorantly. I had NO idea what I was getting into. Everything started out golden, then everything went to hell because of many reasons... Nicole's mom had issues of her own, that led to her treating me and Nicole poorly. Nicole would become depressed, I would lecture her about things that bothered me. I seem to have abused that. She was a very genuine lover of which I had no reason to worry, nor lecture her. She was mine. Well, the arguing, the fighting, the depression, it affected both of us. We had to move on, but I didn't have the balls to end it. I leaned on her like a crutch, I loved her and wanted her so I could feel save. Even though I didn't absolutely need her, I wanted to keep her. I came up to my hometown to attend my brother's wedding around April of this year, I was waiting impatiently to come back home to Nicole. We began arguing fiercely. Things got rough, she said f- it and ended the relationship. She assured me, even after we had broken up that she had never loved any other as much as she has me. Which can't be true, for obvious reasons. Still, I loved her. I still love her. But she broke up with me, when I needed someone the most. Then she lied to me about seeing someone else, who she was seeing almost immediately as we had broken up. She left me for someone better. This ugly, nerdy douchebag who looks like a beefy mop. I don't quite understand how that's an upgrade, but it does make me question my self worth. She was the first girl of many that I had ever loved. That's basically the summary to Nicole, it's a lot more detailed than that but the more I think about it the more physically sick I get. Now, there are other key things that are leaving me with suicidal thoughts. I'm 19, I don't have my driver's license, barely driven, no High School Diploma or certificate similar to such. I am currently enrolled into GED classing, which I'm getting my ass kicked in Math because I have ADHD/ADD, bad. I can't ever concentrate. I can't ever get enough done. I want to learn so much, I want to do so much and evolve as a person but it's hard to when I can't stop thinking. I can't get my mind to cease racing. It keeps going, it's going right now, and it won't show any mercy. I have no type of insurance to get any prescription drugs to help. I smoke a ton of pot, but it can make my ADD/ADHD worse occasionally. My mind racing is the main reason I'm so depressed, I want to be able to think clearly and to be able to comprehend and learn new things much easier than I do now. I can't make any friend because my anxiety has became much worse over the years. I have interacted, hung out and met new people but I just can't make a connection with anyone anymore. I can't make genuine friends. I have only one friend, my best friend since middle school and he lives miles from me. I get to see him on certain occasions, and he's basically one of the main reasons I haven't done anything stupid. I have no one except for him. I'm very self conscious and always harshly judging myself for every little thing. I basically can't stand ME. I don't see how anyone can, and it makes perfect sense why I can't make friends like I used to. I used to be funny and have an entire arsenal of friends. Idk where I went wrong. My mother is an alcoholic, bad. She drinks as much as she possibly can and it's killing her. Alcohol is her highest priority. I love her, but she won't be around for long and I can't help that. I've tried countless times. I continue to try. I am just lost. I'm afraid. I'm weak. I'm a lot of things. I want to find happiness in myself. I want to have a life, a good one. I want to meet new people. I want to try new things. Travel. I'm afraid I won't experience much in life because of all these surrounding factors of being incapable of returning to a healthy state of mind. I no longer wish to live.