Im 24. I live in Kansas. I would describe my current mood as bored and paranoid. Im very quiet and genrally am scared of people despite having the appearances of a confident guy. When any one enters a room I'm in I feel worried , scared, and alert in place of a more happy feeling when Im alone and with my own thoughts in my dream world- not a perfect world or anything but an imaginary one where im left to my own thoughts. In high school I had a huge crush on a girl who I hung out with a few times. I have never been on a date. I have never asked anyone. A few times In high school I was asked by a girl to go on a date but that scared me. I moved 11 times as a kid. I had friends sometimes. I don't have any friends now. I read a lot especially B rated horror novels like Stephen King dean koontz etc. I drink a lot. When I went to college I felt very uncomfortable being on my own and never attended class. People who know me assume that I partied too hard or something like that, but the truth is that I simply didnt go to class and after the first few weeks I hid from people in my dorm room. I had gay sex with this guy even though Im not gay when i was 22. I remember feeling terrified of dying of aids and gettign tested and finding out you cant know whether you have it for 8 weeks or so and waiting those eight weeks in terrified manner, so scared that I started exhibiting symptoms of aids. I lost a lot of weight just worrying. I was kicked out of my parents house and work in a grocery store. I hate my job. I often have serious suicidal thoughts but have never acted on it. I smoke a pack a day. I am really tired. I have more I want to say but not now.