Hi guys.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by KC1985, Aug 25, 2009.

  1. KC1985

    KC1985 Member

    Im 24.
    I live in Kansas.
    I would describe my current mood as bored and paranoid.
    Im very quiet and genrally am scared of people despite having the appearances of a confident guy.
    When any one enters a room I'm in I feel worried , scared, and alert in place of a more happy feeling when Im alone and with my own thoughts in my dream world- not a perfect world or anything but an imaginary one where im left to my own thoughts.
    In high school I had a huge crush on a girl who I hung out with a few times.
    I have never been on a date. I have never asked anyone.
    A few times In high school I was asked by a girl to go on a date but that scared me.
    I moved 11 times as a kid. I had friends sometimes. I don't have any friends now.

    I read a lot especially B rated horror novels like Stephen King dean koontz etc.
    I drink a lot.
    When I went to college I felt very uncomfortable being on my own and never attended class. People who know me assume that I partied too hard or something like that, but the truth is that I simply didnt go to class and after the first few weeks I hid from people in my dorm room.
    I had gay sex with this guy even though Im not gay when i was 22. I remember feeling terrified of dying of aids and gettign tested and finding out you cant know whether you have it for 8 weeks or so and waiting those eight weeks in terrified manner, so scared that I started exhibiting symptoms of aids. I lost a lot of weight just worrying.
    I was kicked out of my parents house and work in a grocery store. I hate my job.
    I often have serious suicidal thoughts but have never acted on it.
    I smoke a pack a day. I am really tired. I have more I want to say but not now.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    welcome to SF. I actually live in kansas too. It seems you have definitley had it rough. You'll find a lot of people here that can likely relate and help you.
  3. KC1985

    KC1985 Member

    I was once an extremely emotional person, Im not anymore. It's a defense mechanism that has triggered through years of personal anguish, it is like part of my personality died off.
    Im kind of like a robot now. But not really. A robot wouldn't have any personal grtievences he wishes to share on the internet.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey back at you You have alot of saddness and loneliness inside have you ever talked to a professional about what your feeling Are you on any medication because this can help Keep posting okay let us know what is happening.
  5. KC1985

    KC1985 Member

    Yes, I have problems with pshyciatists and refuse to use them.