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Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stylez, May 30, 2006.

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  1. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    6:15 p: I'm a 21 year old and had a lot of different groups of friends in high school but by the end all those bridges were burned due to me not knowing how to act, afraid to act stupid, and just be a doormat to the point were when i was teased, (somebody kicken my chair, name calling) i just say to myself this is not happening and not saying a thing.

    alienation: knowing the feeling going into every past or future relationship with anybody,knowing in the back of my head that this relationship is going to end, in resentment, in disrespect or downright disgust for me not doing shit ever.

    All that stuff doesn't matter now because Im in a new place. I'm seeing a therapist, taking medication, etc, but it doesn't matter because I now is unable to think because all i care about is how others perceive me and can't register an answer to the most basic of questions. I feel I've been verbally and emotionally raped again like in highschool. It's been like this for a month since visiting where i used to live and it brought back so many flashbacks in my unconscious mind I could barley talk. I have never recovered...

    I can't communicate with people. I have no interests that could hold a conversation with a person my age. I don't know anything about music, clubs, hot spots, the news, I'm just ignorant. I can't see anybody in the eye anymore, i don't have opinions on anthing, I do things mean to other people for no reason. Like snaping at this gym girl the day after last because i thoujght she said "bye" in a disrespectful way. I have dillusions on whats happeneing to the point i don't know whats real anymore. I say to myself your not a loser but if you have no hobbies no interests and no backbone, maybe ending it would be better. the only reason I don't do it is because i die inside when i see my mother tear up because she can't understand me.

    But that feeling is fading a litte by a little, because it seems like i want people to feel sorry for me and to rationalize all the stupid things that happens to me. I hate it. It's not worth it. I will never want to die a "thousands" deaths again. I'm not strong enough. They won...I'm the loser, and I cant bare the thought of people thinking that about me again.

    This is just the tip of the iceberg I still havent gone into people questioning my sexuality because i never stand up for myself. It just sickens me to think people think that about me. I have a identity crises not a sexually identity crises. People don't seem to understand the difference. So if people think I'm gay, thats the lowest of the lows right there. I seriously think i may hurt a person if he says to me at my face that I"m a loser or a fag. It's not worth it. Why live a thousand lives. I feel i am off the path and the only way to make it right with everybody, the future victims of me alienating them, my family, and just the hurt i feel everytime i wake up, is to end it.

    Im not looking for sympathy, i just want to hear how another's life is as bad as mine....
  2. asleeping

    asleeping Guest

    we are very similar. i am also 21. i'm bethany. i hope your ok.
  3. me_

    me_ Guest

    Re: Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here

    I`m really sorry for your situation, for how you feel...
    I don`t know what to say to make you feel any better, I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and if you ever need to talk, PM me.
    I`m sure there will be someone who will find something to say that will help you in some way, so just hang in there!
  4. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

  5. Old_Man_Kensey

    Old_Man_Kensey Well-Known Member

    Re: Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here

    we got similar ideas i think...PM sometime maybe we can talk.
  6. Serene

    Serene Member

    Re: Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here

    Please read my story here: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=19538

    Its called social cognitive disorder. I'm a little older than you and still messed up and unable to communicate in any normal fashion with others. I found it helps that when you start somewhere new, just stand up for yourself right from start and tell everyone 'Hi, I suffer from a social disability, I have some trouble communicating and socializing the way you do'. Group email works if you (like me) can't find the courage to say it. If you do this right at the beginning, chances are people don't want to be jerks and will be more considerate of you. I've even made a new friend at my last job after telling everyone about my issues. She made it her personal mission to spend time with me and do things with me normal people do... movies, etc.

    If you want to chat sometime, PM me.
  7. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    Re: Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here

    20 years old. Had Asperger's Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsiveness Disorder, and depression (major now) for as long as I can remember. Haven't had a friend for years, and I doubt I will for a long time. Been on at least 29 different medications; only effects any of them had on me were side-effects. None of the doctors/therapists/whatever I've been to in my entire lifetime have been of any real help. My depression has become so severe that I've recently undergone electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) where doctors knock you out for a few minutes with anaesthetics and then run electricity through your brain.

    Like you I can't communicate with people because I don't know anything, don't pay attention to anything, and am not interested in anything. I also constantly worry about what others think of me - even online. That's why I usually just lurk on forums and rarely ever post. The only music I like to listen to is from video/computer games. My favorite music is "Cobalt Deep" from Vanguard: SOH, "Boss Stage 1" from Mega Man X1, and "Alien Conflict" from Perfect Dark. I always wear the same pair of jeans and one of 7 plain shirts. My OCD constantly gives me impulses to do anything that will make my life suck even more - delete stuff off my computer, shout profanity in public, cut myself with a sharp object, etc. As a result I have to shave with an electric razor and my Ma usually cooks for me. I never actually give in to my impulses, but I always worry about them.

    Everything bothers me - loud noises, social gatherings, people laughing, etc. What especially irks me is how it seems literally everyone has had at least one boyfriend/girlfriend by now except me, and there are couples everywhere. Hell knows how many times everyone has had sex. I find sex extremely disgusting, but I'm still jealous. And what pisses me off the most is how it always feels as though I'm the only person who's not enjoying life. I look around and see nothing but happy faces and friendly chitchat.

    I feel so different from everybody else I'm not even sure I'm human. At least nobody makes fun of me anymore; ever since I've gotten into college people have pretty much left me alone.
  8. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Re: Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here

    this is for old man kensy and the last message poster who i believe was "Obsessive"

    The interent sucks shit in my opinion. I'm not sure if my advice is getting through to you people or not. it's just words on a page. i made my final blog on myspace explaing the absurdity of thinking that communicating with people via interent really does bolster up a persons viewpoint on life. Please read my final blog people and respond becasuse i'm sure there are lurkers all around the world who feel the way "obsession" and i felt or feel in a way right now.

    Spread the <Mod edit: Abacus21-inappropriate language> word

    We're the originators for the humans who happen to have this illness.

    What <Mod edit: Abacus21-inappropriate language> do you want me to do? i have the knowledge and courage to do anything i want to do because even in my lowest points i know where my deep end is and i never want to go that far down again like in my first post. If you depressed people only post once a year and shit how is that going to accomplish anything.

    I feel pissed because it seems myspace was all hype for me. but i think what i typed can help a lot of people.

    do i need to get more personal with you guys or something? this is life all of us has our ups and downs. but if you genuinly want to do something about YOUR life to help others....do something about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2006
  9. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Re: Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here

    bump for the people who should read this....and REPLY>>>>>>.
  10. seba3c

    seba3c Member

    Re: Hi I have this on the General disorder forum, but i think its best to put it here

    I feel like I could be reading something I wrote. I also have a hard time making friends and communicating with those around me (especially those my age). I struggle just as you do. I have few friends and also frequently have my sexuality questioned. I completely hear where you're going through. I can't give you a good solution other than to take things a day at a time. This all that holds me together.
  11. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Re:apologize for comment

    Hi mods my name is jonathan and im sorry about the comment that got me banned. I was very manic yesterday and i was clueless in how insensitive my comments were. Is there any possible way to get unbanned in the chat room because at this point of my life this is all i have....
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