6:15 p: I'm a 21 year old and had a lot of different groups of friends in high school but by the end all those bridges were burned due to me not knowing how to act, afraid to act stupid, and just be a doormat to the point were when i was teased, (somebody kicken my chair, name calling) i just say to myself this is not happening and not saying a thing.
alienation: knowing the feeling going into every past or future relationship with anybody,knowing in the back of my head that this relationship is going to end, in resentment, in disrespect or downright disgust for me not doing shit ever.
All that stuff doesn't matter now because Im in a new place. I'm seeing a therapist, taking medication, etc, but it doesn't matter because I now is unable to think because all i care about is how others perceive me and can't register an answer to the most basic of questions. I feel I've been verbally and emotionally raped again like in highschool. It's been like this for a month since visiting where i used to live and it brought back so many flashbacks in my unconscious mind I could barley talk. I have never recovered...
I can't communicate with people. I have no interests that could hold a conversation with a person my age. I don't know anything about music, clubs, hot spots, the news, I'm just ignorant. I can't see anybody in the eye anymore, i don't have opinions on anthing, I do things mean to other people for no reason. Like snaping at this gym girl the day after last because i thoujght she said "bye" in a disrespectful way. I have dillusions on whats happeneing to the point i don't know whats real anymore. I say to myself your not a loser but if you have no hobbies no interests and no backbone, maybe ending it would be better. the only reason I don't do it is because i die inside when i see my mother tear up because she can't understand me.
But that feeling is fading a litte by a little, because it seems like i want people to feel sorry for me and to rationalize all the stupid things that happens to me. I hate it. It's not worth it. I will never want to die a "thousands" deaths again. I'm not strong enough. They won...I'm the loser, and I cant bare the thought of people thinking that about me again.
This is just the tip of the iceberg I still havent gone into people questioning my sexuality because i never stand up for myself. It just sickens me to think people think that about me. I have a identity crises not a sexually identity crises. People don't seem to understand the difference. So if people think I'm gay, thats the lowest of the lows right there. I seriously think i may hurt a person if he says to me at my face that I"m a loser or a fag. It's not worth it. Why live a thousand lives. I feel i am off the path and the only way to make it right with everybody, the future victims of me alienating them, my family, and just the hurt i feel everytime i wake up, is to end it.
Im not looking for sympathy, i just want to hear how another's life is as bad as mine....
alienation: knowing the feeling going into every past or future relationship with anybody,knowing in the back of my head that this relationship is going to end, in resentment, in disrespect or downright disgust for me not doing shit ever.
All that stuff doesn't matter now because Im in a new place. I'm seeing a therapist, taking medication, etc, but it doesn't matter because I now is unable to think because all i care about is how others perceive me and can't register an answer to the most basic of questions. I feel I've been verbally and emotionally raped again like in highschool. It's been like this for a month since visiting where i used to live and it brought back so many flashbacks in my unconscious mind I could barley talk. I have never recovered...
I can't communicate with people. I have no interests that could hold a conversation with a person my age. I don't know anything about music, clubs, hot spots, the news, I'm just ignorant. I can't see anybody in the eye anymore, i don't have opinions on anthing, I do things mean to other people for no reason. Like snaping at this gym girl the day after last because i thoujght she said "bye" in a disrespectful way. I have dillusions on whats happeneing to the point i don't know whats real anymore. I say to myself your not a loser but if you have no hobbies no interests and no backbone, maybe ending it would be better. the only reason I don't do it is because i die inside when i see my mother tear up because she can't understand me.
But that feeling is fading a litte by a little, because it seems like i want people to feel sorry for me and to rationalize all the stupid things that happens to me. I hate it. It's not worth it. I will never want to die a "thousands" deaths again. I'm not strong enough. They won...I'm the loser, and I cant bare the thought of people thinking that about me again.
This is just the tip of the iceberg I still havent gone into people questioning my sexuality because i never stand up for myself. It just sickens me to think people think that about me. I have a identity crises not a sexually identity crises. People don't seem to understand the difference. So if people think I'm gay, thats the lowest of the lows right there. I seriously think i may hurt a person if he says to me at my face that I"m a loser or a fag. It's not worth it. Why live a thousand lives. I feel i am off the path and the only way to make it right with everybody, the future victims of me alienating them, my family, and just the hurt i feel everytime i wake up, is to end it.
Im not looking for sympathy, i just want to hear how another's life is as bad as mine....