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hi, i know i dont matter to u all but...it hurts so much

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by deadoralive, Jan 20, 2009.

  1. deadoralive

    deadoralive New Member

    ...im posting this to find out waht ppl in the world can do to help me

    ive turned to my closest friends...they ahve all hurt me and shot me down.

    i am a bisexual person and life isnt easy for me. im always torn in two.

    ive sufferd many deaths of family members...many that have been so close to me.

    ive sufferd a friendship lost of 5 years...i fell in love with teh guy and... i never got to tell him and we dropd out and i went into a deep depression. then over summer i was just fine...and i gto stronger

    then i met a new dude...and him and i became good friends! (im a guy) and...we r still going good and he is amazing and he is bi too and everything is perfect with us..

    he liks this one girl named S. ... and...it hurts my soul becasue... i thought he would be the one...he said he would be with me if it wasnt for her. it hurts so much...we even lay in bed togeather (no we didnt do anything dirty) we had a sleep over and he slept in bed with me heh...but it felt nice...ande made me feel safe ....but to learn he didndt truly care.... i mean...he does but i know our friendship is dying out mroe now.... im waiting for him to call now....

    he still likes me, ive told him i want to die...and ive cut myself so much...my arms.. my left arm, my upper sholder (insanly) and my left leg (extreamly) my arm is the least cus i dont want ppl to see....i do...i do want them to see then maybe they can prove ide help...but ... i want him...and i dont want to hurt him more.... and everything is so complex

    and the world is pulling me donw

    im sure this sounds like many other storys out there.... but... it hurts. so much. its unbearable...after my first friend destruction i couldnt survive another...and im not... im already making wills and sorry notes and shit... just... i cant...

    i want you all to be honist with me and i dont hold any of u responcible for what happens to me, and u shouldnt eaither, im just another number...

    if u could post a rewply that would be cool....thank you all..... best of luck to all you too
  2. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    Hey, first of all welcome to SF and I really hope you can use something that this site offers that will help you.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. If you ever want to talk about anything then I will be more than willing to listen to you and offer any advice.

    Have you ever seeked any help for the problems and issues you are experiencing? It seems to me that you need some help to get you back into a good place. If you need information on how you go about it then you will find that here.

    Please know that you are not alone in what you are going through, no matter how much it may seem you are.

    Like I said, I'm here to talk if you want to :smile:
  3. SpencerA

    SpencerA Well-Known Member

    hello sweetie welcome to sf. sorry to hear you're having such a shitty time of things atm, for me breakups or relationship circumstances or arguements are the things that are most likely to cause me to slip into a severely depressed state so i can understand where you're coming from. if you can perhaps distance yourself from this guy for a while? just so you can collect your thoughts rationally and put things into perspective. also, haveyou been feeling depressed for long?xx
  4. deadoralive

    deadoralive New Member

    thanx...though i dont know if there IS help for me anywhere...and noive not seekd any professional help or anything, im affraid to...and ... i honistly dont believe they can help. if my closest friends betrayd me why wouldnt someone who dosent even know me?
  5. deadoralive

    deadoralive New Member

    (for hte second poster)

    ive been depressed for an extreamly long time...ide say a max of 5 years...on and off...mostly on

    um...ive sufferd having only one parrent, she is...unstable too, she is kinda bipolar... and...cant talk to her worth shit without wanting to cut more.

    um...then i sufferd through my gramas death (very close family) that...tore me apart
    then i lot that super close friend of mine of 2 close years... and that riped my soul apart more

    then i was a dead wasteland...then i heald slowly but over this summer i felt amazing!
    and for most of last year i felt good too. then i met this NEW Friend of mine lets call him J. and we hit it off amazing and even right now things r ok

    like...he knows i like him and its hard on him cus he dosent wana hurt me...and he does like me , he loves me like a brother but...he loves that girl um...mroe so sexually i guess. well u guys know what i mean.

    tongiht was a hard tnight cus..on the bus (oh im 16 ver close to 17) he was with that girl S and he talkd to me and stuff and when i calld tonight he apologized cus he didnt even think about how that woulda effected me, it did kinda hurt to see them like that btu i was iwth one of my frineds D and we were chattin so i didn really notice

    im affraid...so affraid that ill loose his friendship too...eaither by my hand or his. i really like him but it hurts to be with him and see him cus... i DO love him, but that love is elevated to a relationshpwise lvoe because he is bi too...and i thought so hard that it would really work....and its not going to...so im just fucked over again....and it hurts because after my first "death" i told myself i would never open up...then with J... its been a while but i finaly DID open up and he knows all about my past....and he still hurts me....

    i could distance myself but...i just dont know :sad: