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Hi I need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mes1234, Apr 6, 2013.

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  1. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    I'm in constant emotional and mental pain. But this pain is caused by myself, my mind is just not right. I've been depressed ever since I could understand what the word meant. I was born in Indonesia but moved to the states when I was four to go to school here. My whole life I had to deal with culture differences. I've tried to commit suicide in 8th grade, but in reality I knew it wasn't going to work, it was a cry for help. I've been on anti-depressants for many years, but they haven't seem to be working. Earlier in the year I was going to a nice private college in New York but I had to leave school because of my depression and anxiety. I was smoking weed every day and maybe that was why my depression got out of control, I really don't know.

    Anyways, I just have no will to live. I just don't want to feel anything anymore, why do I have to suffer through this pain? Don't I control my life? Don't I have the decision to end it all? I just feel uncomfortable throughout the whole day. I don't have a job, I don't have school anymore, I have no worries and no stress so why am I in constant mental pain? It just doesn't make sense why someone has to go through this. The only reason why I haven't commit suicide is because I'm too scared of the pain. I'm not afraid to die and I know that if I do die it will hurt those around me but I just can't stand this anymore. I know my family will cry for days and be hurt with what I had done, but they will move on. The truth is I've always been too nice to people, I always care about everyone else except myself. Because of this I've made many fake friends that simply don't care about me.. I mean I'm sure some do, but none of them have really kept in contact with me. I've been used and taken advantage of many of my friends. I've always put friends in front of family. I've always tried to make my friends family. The reason for this is because I feel uncomfortable with my family. I know they care about me, but they don't understand what I'm going through and none of us really communicate well with one another. That is why I feel so alone in this world. I just want to die and I don't understand what is so wrong about that.

    I feel like I have this tape in my head that's on repeat that contains every single horrible and uncomfortable memory. I've remembered all my bad memories and I feel like I've lost most of my happy memories. I've changed as a person. I used to be confident, strong, and outgoing and now I'm too anxious and I'm afraid of a lot of things and I don't have the motivation to do anything. Literally all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv ALL day long. I'm currently waiting to get into a program at the nearest loony bin to seek treatment. I'm am just so desperate to feel better and I just can not wait. I seriously can't wait that is why I just want to die.

    I can't cope with how I feel because nothing makes me feel better. Nothing really makes me happy and I'm scared knowing that the things I loved doing don't make me feel good anymore. I've purged and I've cut but nothing makes a difference. I need some serious help.
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Since you want to get better, I'm the last person who should be helping you but I figure that while I'm still on this planet, I might as well make something out of it for now....I honestly think you should just wait until you get into that "loony bin." I've been in one, and I can tell you from personal experience that it was one of the best times of my life. The people I was able to relate to....I was 17 then and the teens there made me feel like I wasn't alone. I don't know how old you are, but if it's a psych ward you're going to you'll find that you're not alone either. You obviously want to get better. You've sought out the necessary treatment program. wait until that falls into place and see how it helps.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    first of all, none of this is your fault. Although, from my own expereince I would recommend not smoking pot anymore. I smoked it all the time. .But when I sank into depression and anxiety, it no longer was a wise thing to do. It made me feel worse

    Second, you say your family would cry for days and then would be okay. Actually this is not how it works. The family never recovers. And I am positive you would never want to hurt your family like that. I know you care too much about them.

    Third. yes I agree with HelgasAngel re a facility that can help. I know someone who last year went into a facility. It was a psychiatric hospital. Amazing how much they helped her. They got her stabalized on the correct medications. And got her the correct help. She is back to her old self now. I have known other people who had similar success stories.

    Is there someone where you live who you can talk to about needing help now. right now. that you do not think you can wait. Can you think of someone you can tell this to irl?

    Please keep posting here. Okay? There are some great people here. I am very glad you are here.

    HelgasAngels, no matter how hurting we are, it is always great to help others. Your words were "right on" !!!!
  4. Anonymousnobody

    Anonymousnobody Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you are in pain. I understand completely, as cliche as that sounds. I don't think I can help much, but I can tell you that there are people who care about you. Heck, I care about you and I just met you. Every single life is precious. Which is odd, coming from a suicidal person like myself. If you ever think you want to die, just remember your family, your friends, the long life you have ahead of you. Think of all the things you haven't done yet. Think of all that you'd lose by leaving this world. If you still want to leave, then by all means, that's your choice. But I really hope you choose to stay. There are people here who love you.
  5. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    Ever since I left college I quit smoking and drinking altogether. I'm living in Belmont with my mom and I'm going to start a depression treatment program soon. And in the mean time I'm struggling with my mom who doesn't understand what I'm going through. I know she loves me and I know she wants whats best for me but she's treating me like I'm in elementary school, she's being overprotective, and freaks out all the time. She doesn't know how to react to me and she only makes situations worst. I want to live by myself and I want to live apart from my family, but I feel like I'm not strong enough. And thanks so much for your help! seriously...
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    mess1234, i can totally relate to having no job, no school, etc. that's what happened to me in colledge.. i had to be taken out because of the danger i was posing to students and staff

    as for things you used to enjoy... what did you used to enjoy?

    why don't you like them now? (perhaps a silly question), but i'm trying to get a better idea of why you don't like what you used to.. if that makes sense

    i can actually relate to that too- because i used to enjoy things such as theme parks, but because of how my life has gone (both with my mental state) aand because i'm bound to a wheelchair now, even if i could leave the house (which i can't), i could never transfer from my chair to the rides

    with me.. all my days are now are getting up,. feeling bad for myself, maybe listen to some music, post to these boards, then go to bed and lie awake all night.. it's to the point where i don't even do the simple things like get dressed- why should i bother if later in the same day, i'm just going to go back to bed again.

    or sometimes i just stay in bed all day

    okay.. i'm not helping. going off on a tangent- but if you do want to talk about stuff, i'm here

    emily xx
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Just a thought, could you perhaps research what you are going through and find a guide for her to read so she can understand? Just a thought
  8. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    @ emily I love music I play the piano and guitar and I sing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3FMMW-W4-s That was me when I was at college. But now when I pick up my guitar it's not the same. I don't feel the same playing music I used to feel emotions surge through out my body and I used to love it all, but now I don't even get happy and I don't' feel any pleasure playing my music. I've tried to put my negativity and depression to good use by writing songs, but i'm too much of a perfectionist to do that. Do you like art or music? And thanks so much for helping and yes you are helping :)
  9. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    @ perfect melancholy My mother told me that she has done her research, but I feel like people who haven't gone through depression will never know what it feels like because depressed people think differently and see things differently.
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