hi ... I think I may have been here before

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by realitybites, Nov 5, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. realitybites

    realitybites New Member

    I think I may have introduced myself before. It must have been some time ago.

    I have complex mental health problems. Most of them anxiety based. I'm completely housebound. I feel like I've lived this way long enough. I can't stop thinking that suicide is my only way out.

    It's cold here. I have heating. But there is a slight intermittent tapping noise from under the floorboards ... probably a pipe hitting a joist when it expands and contracts. I think only myself & dogs would probably be able to hear it. It's driving me insane. I can't turn the heating off because it's so cold. But I can't live with the noise. I feel there is no way out. This on top of the myriad of other issues I have is pushing me to the brink.

    I've stopped answering the telephone. Stopped drinking. Stopped eating. I can barely move. All I want is to take meds ... go to bed and not wake up.

    2 things seem to be holding me back ... the effect on my family [though I live alone] and ... the fear that I won't be successful and that I could be left in a worse state than I'm already in.

    I have a support worker but I'm afraid to tell her about the noise because she'll think it's nuts. It seems such a ridiculous thing to feel suicidal about. But on top of everything else that's going on just now ... I've tried lots of things to try and mask the sound but nothing has worked.

    I can't live like this. I'm so very tired. I was in a dreadful state on Saturday. Was feeling very unsafe and suicidal. A friend sat with me most of the day. My nextdoor neighbour managed to get me to her house and I spent the whole evening with her. I'm not safe. I don't trust myself. I feel overwhelmed by guilt that these people had to give up their time to help me.

    I don't have any answers. I don't have a plan that can help me cope. All I can think about is that I've suffered long enough. Tbh I've lived much longer than I ever expected to. I feel that this is my time to go. Why can't everyone just let me go. Why can't a doctor just give me an injection and put me into a sleep that I won't wake up from. I'm so tired. I contribute absolutely nothing to society.

    I don't want to be a nuisance to anyone. I think I need help but I don't think I can reach out to people any more. I don't want to bother anyone. But if I don't, I don't think I'll make it.

    I'm so sorry. I wish I was different. I wish this would all go away. I'm 49 years old and I've lived with this long enough.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I absolutely know how noises can drive a person to feeling as you are...I have a constant buzzing in my ears from the medications I take and sometimes, I cannot tell if the heat/air conditioner is going or if it is in my head...when the house is quiet, that is the worst...is there something you can use to mask the sounds? I use a fan when it is warmer and a heater when cold, so that the noises are masked...also, if you are not safe, please contact your support worker and tell him/her...feeling as you do is a cycle, we feel awful, we do not take care of ourselves and feel worse...please consider emergency support now...and also let us know how you are doing
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.