Hi! I'm a crazy person! and I want to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by father_to_be, Mar 4, 2009.

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  1. father_to_be

    father_to_be Active Member

    First things first. Yes, if I live long enough I will be a father in september. I am 22 years old and I know I am capable of being a great father. The baby and my fiancee are the only things really keeping me in something that could maybe, maybe, be called something resembling sane. I am Bipolar, yay me! I am Adhd as well, yay me again! For some reason I keep having these urges to end my life. I know it would be selfish, but its getting harder and harder to resist. I really don't get it... my medication cocktail seems to work in every other respect. lows aren't rock bottom, highs aren't through the roof. racing thoughts remain at times but thats part of the problem as well I guess. I get these awful thoughts running through my head and before you know it i want out. I'm lost and confused. My fiancee is in the hospital right now but even if she wasn't she lives a fair distance away and with school i only really get to see here on weekends. so basically I'm stuck at home with my thoughts.
     
  2. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Can't you talk to her about your thoughts, does she even know of them?
    Whenever I feel extremly low and a danger to myself I call someone just to distract myself or watch something on the Internet.
     
  3. father_to_be

    father_to_be Active Member

    I just don't want to scare her i guess is the issue, when it comes to talking to her. I've tried talking to people or watching things on the tv/internet but it seems to do no good, the racing thoughts overpower all.
     
  4. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean. Before my last attempt I could feel it coming but could do nothing against it. But you have a child to look forward to also you have a fiancee, there must be some satisfaction in knowing that you haven't failed in life.
     
  5. father_to_be

    father_to_be Active Member

    While it does bring some measure of joy to my life, the pain that my mind seems to enjoy reeking on me on a regular basis counters that pretty strongly. I just want to feel "normal". Its something that will never happen I guess.
     
  6. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    MEDICATION dude. you need medication to control your swings. and there is nothing to be ashamed about. It's just a chemical imbalance thats causing you these swings and all u need to do is to take meds to balance it. If you are going to kill yourself, you are going to destroy the lives of your fiancee and your unborn flesh and blood. You better not, for the sake of them.
     
  7. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    I'm not BP so I have no clue what it's like but knowing that all your lows are caused by a chemical imbalance must help you to know that the wish to die is not real. It's just an error in your brain which is making you think about ending your life.

    You are stronger!
     
  8. father_to_be

    father_to_be Active Member

    I made a appointment with my pdoc today for sooner than the normal 3 months. hopefully we can tweek my meds. currently I take Lithium, Wellbutrin and Abilify with a PRN Xanax for sleep/anxiety *took one tonight* I don't like to take it as I don't wanna become chemically or psycologically dependant on it.
     
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    If the abilify isn't working for your thoughts then ask your doctor about geodon..Thats what I take for mine..I do o.k. in a one on one situation but in a group my mind still races and gets all garbled up..I have learned to live with it thru the help I get from my therapist..
     
  10. father_to_be

    father_to_be Active Member

    i know exactly what you mean by all garbled up, hehe. i will ask about the other med at my next appointment, ty.
     
  11. BusterB

    BusterB Member

    truth is you dont know how lucky you are, im YOU but im gay....so no wife, no kids for me. when my parents are gone its just ME, yep, no other family, just me. so thank your lucky fucking stars and get on with being a great dad, cause if i was you id be over the moon.
     
  12. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Hey G, I hope you log back in and read this because I have a lot of experience in what you're going through. I can, nor can anyone else, give you the complete answer to this. You will be happier when you figure it out yourself. But that might be even a few years away..... Why do I say this? Well, I have "official" ADHD and I also basically know I am bipolar as well as many other things. ADHD has been considered for many years to be one disorder... It is now known that it is "attention-deficit" persons as well as "hyperactive" persons.. and that often these two very distinct types of people exhibit the same traits. So... (sigh).... Unfortunately, the professional medical community can help us but there is so much more..... I'm 29 now... I've had the basically same things as you for 10 years..... (sighs again)..... You can get help from your psychs and doctors but.. In my experience, it is all the same...... All these disorders are hopelessly related to each other and most people that suffer from one suffer from at least one other.

    The best thing that has helped me is to nail down the MOST significant one that affects me. For me, this is hyperactivity disorder which has been pooled into ADHD although I do not have the attention part of it. But the medicine helps. But realize... if you have this.... Basically, no one will ever give you the *complete* answer. They WILL help you.... and maybe, if you need, medicine or therapy or whatever will help... Those things WILL help... but the medical community still cannot explain that these problems co-exist to a point where they cannot explain it.

    So basically what I am saying is that you will have to learn as much about these things as you can and help YOURSELF. Definitely accept the help from your doctor and such...... but from my own experience, they do not understand everything. For instance, I have some very similar problems and I can also tell that my substance abuse problems are highly related. But no one will ever put a finger on one particular thing. ..... My doctor knows I have "ADHD" but *I* know I only have the hyperactivity part..... I know I used to have OCD... I've had substance abuse problems on and off.... It is all the same thing... But you will have to manage it yourself....

    Others can help you... for sure.... but the official doctors and "professionals" still have not connected the dots..... It is all the same problem yet not the same.... They will never figure it out. I hope this explanation helps you a little bit. I have spent years thinking about this. Accept their help but know they will never offer you the total solution. You must work on many things to balance your life..... The doctors can help you but probably won't understand the basic idea in our lives... that these problems are manifestations of the same problem........

    :dry:
     
  13. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Bipolar and medicene can be rough to deal with. If it's only kinda helping you, maybe a higher dose is in order? Heh, I'm no doctor. It helped for me.

    If they're away all week, you need a hobby, or a day-time job. Distracting yourself from racing thoughts is highly important. Even if it's a dumb hobby (i picked up weight lifting, and I hate weight lifting, i'm just bored, and it distracts me) Heh, you never know.
     
  14. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    you need something dull and repetivie you can do that just...well keeps you occupied long enough..

    i was struggling today and i just started rating movies on facebook....i did that for maybe 5 hours....

    and crazy is such a bad term, it means that there are sane people in the world, and sane people are boring people.

    course i'm not insane, but i have enough thoughts to put me on the borderline...the thoughts i used to have would scare me to no end, and make me feel sick for being able to think up such things in the first place, now i'm desensitized to them...they're just...thoughts to me now.
     
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