Hi, I'm an anonymous unnamed person - and I'm pissed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawthornePassage, Jun 13, 2012.

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  1. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member


    I'm a grad student. Female, 30 ish.

    For some reason, I turned this guy from a catatonic existentially depressed wreck into someone who could pretty much achieve anything almost instantly. I healed him. This person was perhaps weeks from death and he is highly nihilistic which makes it almost pointless to exist if he believes he is doomed to endure pain for no real reason. He had been that way his whole life and this was his first break. He did not expect it. It's hard to believe I could actually have this effect on someone, so I'm just not going to believe it. Too good to be true and I suck because I feel sorry for myself because I've taken so much shit. Instead of standing up and fighting, I'm going to back down into my hole. Since terrible things happened in the past, this isn't meant to be and its doomed to failure. I refuse to even try.

    This guy is already confident and successful relative to the shit he has been thru which parallels my problems in severity but his problems are more subtle and indirect. I have an IQ of about 170 and if the world hadn't abused me to shit, I probably could have completed college at 15. I'm also absurdly attractive, probably moreso than most models. So I ended up connected to this guy who was very similar, praised everything about him...I was nervous and wanted to die and just wanted to have a few days off at first. Yet we actually had something when I thought it would initially just be a random adventure, and then I said that I was done trying to sabotage this since he was obviously trying to make this into some serious companionship-type-thing. When he flew out, he had the happiest day of his life. Because he was on the edge and very unstable when I saw him, I am judging him wholly as that and ignoring the fact that together we could probably be extremely rich and lead a very high level normal life. 5 days later, I was trying to push him away and get him to go off with someone else.

    But I'm so obsessed with school and an aimless pursuit of being normal that I cut the whole thing off a month after he saw me. He had also waited that whole month with baited breath for me to come see him, and I called that off too. It's because I made this advanced clinic program. I've sieged myself with 12 hours of work a day, so I have no time to think. He tried his hardest to make sure I did my work, so when I actually succeeded, my reaction was to stab him in the stomach. I first said I didn't want any relationship, then I went back with my ugly loser ex-boyfriend that had sat there for 4 years moping in the past while I tried to help him because he helped me in the past with being normal in school. So that means he is the only one who can. This guy I met though had a very attractive ex girlfriend who he was in love with, yet unlike me, he had the guts to leave her because being suicidal and depressed and on the edge in a relationship is a pretty clear sign that it isn't working. So this guy fell completely in love with me and offered to help me with my school, even though he doesn't approve of the way I do it as long as I continued/started some degree of relationship. I refused for absolutely no logical reason. Then I tried to just get this guy to just be my friend, which didn't work because he claimed it would be like putting a glass wall between us. He was prepared to move across the country and had spent the whole month making a lot of money and setting things up. I mean seriously, its bullshit. I resurrect someone and they expect me to continue? Why the hell can't they just get over 100 years of massive catatonic depression and be my friend when they need my companionship like water? Why can't they go off with someone else, even though they've tried that over and over again and it doesn't work?

    So finally, he started saying he would die if I friend-zoned him. He's obviously just manipulating me since other people have done that in the past to me. He worked tirelessly to just survive so he could meet me in person for a few hours, and finally after 6 weeks of pure hell, he came all the way across the country to see me. We had had a heartfelt video discussion where we agreed that there needed to be face to face time and he promised to survive until then. And he kept his promise, but I didn't. Because I have a worse life (which is bullshit) I can just fuck over whoever I want. Other people suck, so I'll treat him the same way. Because I told him two days before his flight that he shouldn't come, he should have just abandoned all his plans and dropped dead. So I told him I'd come see him about 20 times...I am really busy with grad school but for some reason I can't comprehend I was scared. So I backed out again and again and forced him to just sit there rotting in a hotel room. On the last day when I couldn't avoid it any more, I called him and screamed a bunch of violence and hate because damn him to hell for trying to save my ass from certain misery and regret and trying to save his own life. He went home shaking on the flight and collapsed back into catatonia. He probably only has a few weeks left, I mean, I could change his life completely and we could be rich and help people together, but I don't want that. And because I don't want that and made a stupid fucking decision in the complete dark, I'm going to cling to that decision for life. I've tried to be normal for years and I refuse to give it up for anything.

    Oh, and my best friend shot himself 9 years ago. When I first talked to this guy, I said that the worst part was that he could have contributed anything to the world. I'm now in a position, as a unit, to do the same thing (accomplish anything and make a big difference). But I don't care. I'm just going to sit here and do aimless grad work that has virtually no significance compared to what could happen. I am older, so I have more experience than him and he should just shut up and walk around like a corpse. Also, he tells me that he has walked the roads of trying to be normal and that I'm trying to be someone I'm not. And that it never works. But I'll prove him wrong, then a few months or years down the line I'll collapse because I'll realize I was an ignorant idiot about this whole thing and was wrong. I could deal with my demons now with support, but instead I'll deal with them later at 100 times the potency. I'm in denial about the fact that you can never avoid your demons forever. I always would say "Reality is the one thing that doesn't stop existing because you stop believing in it" but since I don't follow it, I'm acting like a huge hypocrite. And since this is 'too intense', even though that is complete and utter horse shit, I'll just write it off. Oh well, I warned him. He had nothing to lose and found the one person who could make him who he was meant to be, but you know, who gives a shit? I warned him so tough shit. I mean, I could reverse all of this in a mere week, but I won't. I have reports to do and tests to take. I mean, this guy would probably climb Mt. Whitney to make this work, but whatever. Who cares? Not giving him a chance.

    And that's all I have to say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2012
  2. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    are you serious? o_O

    you do know there is no pain like unrequited love right? it is the very reason I am dieing right now.
  3. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    I take it you're that guy you're speaking of. And you're writing this from "her" perspective as you perceive it. If that's the case and I got it right, I'm really sorry about that situation and the rejection... Even if it doesn't make sense to you or even anyone else, there's probably noting that can be done unless she changes her mind and comes to the same realizations you. But you know that already. it's not right to toy with you like that and put you through so much heart ache and probably anger. Whatever her reasons may be, you can't change her mind unfortunately. Unrequited love is such a bitch
  4. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Oh, it is so much more than that.
  5. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member


    God is waiting, always hating
    Loss of life means nothing now
    That everything is free
    Never in your wildest dreams could you anticipate this loss
    Impotent redeemer hanging helpless on the cross

    I for an eye, tooth for a truth
    Pain in kind
    Try to see things straight
    The hate has made you blind
    Inbred soul cries out in anguish
    Nightmare ended, life surrended
    Spent a lifetime shooting up
    But still they drag you down

    Deliberate infliction
    From a whiter shade of brown

    I for an eye, tooth for a truth
    Spinal staircase
    Comprehension sets in violent embrace

    I for an eye, tooth for a truth
    Pain in kind
    Always seeking what you'll never find
    (You're blind)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2012
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