Hi, I'm Belladonna

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by BelladonnaM, Dec 19, 2011.

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  1. BelladonnaM

    BelladonnaM Account Closed


    I suppose I'm here because I have no one to talk to about my suicidal feelings that I'm struggling with. I'm guessing that my story that brought me to this place is pretty typical. I grew up with emotional/physical/sexual abuse. This upbringing, according to therapists that I have seen say that this upbringing triggered a disease called fibromyalgia in me, which is basically a chronic pain problem. As my disease got worse, it became harder and harder to stay positive and in control of my feelings. I kept getting laid off from my jobs when it became apparent to coworkers and managers that I'm dealing with an illness that needs accommodations. My whole world simply became about surviving in my job because it's always been a nightmare of mine to become dependent/burdensome on others, especially my family since they never really thought very well of me.

    My younger brother was helping me financially for a while, but that became pretty detrimental to our relationship that was already pretty delicate. He is a good person and tries to be a good brother, but he was raised to believe that I'm a screw up, dumb, ugly, etc. It got especially worse after he married because my sister-in-law doesn't like me, but kind of has to try or pretend for his sake. Eventually a situation like that is bound to blow up in your face, but I guess I was naive and tricked. He and his wife accidentally got pregnant and that was sort of the excuse to get me back to my homestate. Really, my dad was worried so he asked my brother to get me to come back home in order to help with the baby. As it turned out, they really didn't need my help and they were getting pressure to pretend but secretly take care of me. I didn't feel I needed to be "taken care of" because I had done a good job with saving money and have about $75,000 saved in stocks--I can live on that for at least 2-3 years. However, my dad and brother didn't want me to sell, they wanted to price to go up more so they started paying for me when I ran out of savings and checking (about a year and a half ago).

    During this time, because of my self-esteem problems, I never really asserted myself and felt obligated to do what they felt was right for me. By the way, I'm sure you realize that my family, though loving, is very controlling. Since I wasn't "allowed" to access my money and I became dependent on them, esp my bro and sis-in-law, I felt more obligated to do what they say--go to an expensive therapist without health insurance. How can I refuse when they wanted me to get better, and if I'm supposedly there to help them and be a good aunt, it behooved me to listen to them and let them pay.

    However, over time, they became more and more resentful of my being a burden (I'm guessing because this is how I interpret their behavior, but they would never say that to me). For example, sis-in-law would complain to her and my family about driving me to therapy (I'm an unsafe driver b/c of the fibro). When she'd say she felt under the weather to me, I'd tell that I can take a phone session but she'd insist on taking me, then turn around and complain to both of our folks, my brother, her sisters, etc. A mistake I made was that because she was helping me by taking me to therapy, I felt like I should be open with her about sessions when she'd ask. She was never mean about it, but curious and concerned sounding. So I'd tell her about my discussions about eating disorder struggles, self-injury, etc.

    A few months ago, they decided to relocate for my brother's new job and I decided not to move to that town with them. It is a more expensive area, I was already struggling with my YOUNGER brother being controlling and parental, and sis-in-law was beginning to use my confidences about my emotional problems against me, to make me feel worse. She would be quite vocal about being "too skinny" while being on crazy diet (she has a history of anorexia), as wall as say things like that would be way too big for me, when I'd offer to lend her my smalls and mediums (I gained wait from the EDs, hypothyroidism, PCOS, etc). She sort of learned what buttons to press.

    Since I've been is "I owe them" mode, I let all this happen and would try to reciprocate, but I could never do anything right. I folded the diapers wrong, or I'm not eating right (according to her beliefs which are often fad diets and food obsessions that many of us recovering anorexics do).

    This past week, we came to visit my parents over the holidays. Unfortunately, sis-in-law got sick and went to be early without packing the night before their flight home. My niece is 2 and all there stuff was scattered all over the living room, stuff like her toys, toothbrush, their cell phones, brother's wallet, etc. I thought I'd be helpful by organizing their stuff in an empty laundry baskets, plug in their devices so they are fully charged, and wrote a note saying all this. The next morning I was getting the bitchiest attitude from my siblings. My parents told me she was complaining about this--she hadn't read the note had trouble finding the kid's toothbrush (which was on the floor behind an end table before I put it in the basket) and blamed me for not being able to find it. They also told me about how they were complaining about helping me with money because I have a larger savings than them. If you count 401K and the stock, it is about $200,000. I think he as complaining because he decided to quit his job and consult, he's a doctor so he has that option, and his savings had dwindled to $150,000. I realized that money was becoming an issue when he said "you have more money than me but you live like a poor person". He couldn't understand that I don't have access to this money and I'm no longer employable (I applied for disability but it's in the works). I'm in the frame of mind that I have to make this money last as long as I can. This situation became the last straw so I insisted to my father that it is time to sell my stock so I can pay my brother back.

    I'm at the point where I'm so tired of having no control over even things like what sofa to buy (my brother must agree) and even how to arrange the furniture in my new apartment.

    My father disapproves but came around to not being angry when I broke down and told them EVERYTHING, what they say to me, how they nitpick, and how they act like stricter parents to me than they, themselves, were to me growing up.

    I feel so alone, insecure, and like I have nothing to live for, no value or point to my life. I have to formerly abusive parents that are now nicer to me--not verbally abusive in the least, but that's mostly because they are pissed at my brother for neglecting them. I'm glad that they act like they love me but it's still hard, I feel bratty even admitting that. What sucks is that our conversations are really about my dad needing my emotional support dealing with my brother and his illnesses (he has a debilitating, scary one where his motor nerves are slowly dying). He feels like he sacrificed everything for my brother and he doesn't really care about them. He also views his knocking his girlfriend up before marriage as an unforgivable betrayal, as well as a personal failure as a father).

    So after a week of all this I'm overwhelmed and find myself reverting back to suicidal thoughts--imagining ways, crying, telling myself "Not until my parents are gone", etc. I'm scaring myself because I don't think I have it in me to outlive my parents. Although there are so many psychologically sound reasons to pay back my brother, it feels like suicidal behavior to me. You know, giving your stuff away? My father is freaking out because after I pay him back, I won't have much left of the stock and he really doesn't want me to use the 401K money for obvious reasons--it's for retirement and there are huge penalties. We've been going back and forth about the question, what are you going to do for money? I can't say, I don't know and I don't care because I don't want to live that long so I say things like I'll give up internet or move from a one bedroom into a studio. They get upset because they know I'm pretty home bound and are smart enough to know I'll probably get more depressed.

    I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry for that. Like a lot of people, as my struggles got worse, my friends dropped out of my life. As my sis-in-law said, depressed people are so difficult to deal with. I feel like such an idiot and cheated. I feel worse off now than before my family tried to help me. For one thing, I wouldn't have gone to an expensive psychoanalyst, acupuncture, massage, chiropractor--luxuries that they paid for and I felt I should do because they want to make me better. None of these things were necessaries but if I didn't do them, they would interpret it as a refusal to accept their support, they'd take it personally. Realistically, as a non-suicidal thought, what am I really going to do? Not just about money, but I think I forgot how to take care of myself. I'm not sure I even care to.

    Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I hope this isn't an inappropriate intro. I guess I'm rambling and over-explaining because it is hard for me know what to say in an introduction so I'm saying everything. For those of you who read this, wow, THANKS! I know this is long.
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi belladonna, I just wanted to say welcome to the forum and I hope you continue to post. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment and have been through so much.. I hope you find the support and care here that you deserve.

    Take care,
  3. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Thank you!

    Btw, LOVE the song that you have in your sig!
  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Lol thank you.. you have good taste :D

    Take care
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Belladona, You don't need to apologise for the length of you thread..It's good that you got it out andit gives us a chance to come up with solutions.. Have you applied for SSI??I don't know if they will give it to you because of the 401k and stocks..They're a funny bunch.. Have you tried a pain management clinic?? Thsy may be ablke to help with the pain your in..Well Take Care, Joseph
  6. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    Welcome to SF. I hope you find what you are looking for here. And If you need anything at all, feel free to PM me at anytime. :)
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