Hi, I'm Charles

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Raskolnikov, Feb 22, 2011.

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  1. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Member

    Hey first of all im new to the whole forum thing so bear with me. I am 20 year old college Freshman in Pre Med. I am in a fraternity that i do find joy in, having made friends, and have friends from highschool at college with me as well. About a month ago I started to think I might be gay after I came back to my dorm drunk and got on Omegle (its like an uncencered chatroullete) and pleasured my self with a man. Since then i have started seeing a councelor, but it if im making progress then im not aware of it. Since that day I have been very depressed. about 2 weeks ago i started cutting. Not hardcore or anyting but just enough were a line of blood forms and comes out some but little enough were it starts clotting by itself in about a minute. I have, through therapy and self reflection seen how i have been stuggling with this for qutie some time. The magnitue of the denial i was in about is staggering, nothing short of 1984ian doublethink. But it was effective until a month ago and though i felt little pleasuer in date parties and what not( though i activley sought dates) i completley thought i was straight. I am not really a Christian by traditionaly tought but I suppose i identify with Christianly over any other relegion. (if i am an atheist its not becasue i dont believe in anything, its becasue i dont believe enough of Christian doctrine). I read the rules on religous discussian, and i do not plan on talking any further on it, just trying to be as discriptive as possible. I have been reading a lot about suicide recently. Like what way is the most painless and what not. I told my therapist about the cutting (not thinking it was related to sucide, which i have read is very much related) and he started asking questions about if i was sucideal and i told him no. I dont think i was lying to him becasue i do not think I am in immediate trouble but I am thinking about it more every day. To be perfectley honest I dont know what I expect posting here, if there is a more approprate place for my situation please direct me to it. Thank you very much for your time reading this
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Charles. Hope you find the support you need here. It may also be a good idea to mention to your therapist these suicidal thoughts. They may be able to suggest ways to help you deal with them, or find ways so that it doesn't start to consume your entire life. :hug: Hope you feel better.
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Hiya, Welcome to SF.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    hiyas, welcome to the forums :)
  5. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Hi there, and welcome to SF.

    Struggling to to come to terms with your sexuality can be really tough. Especially if you are already battling depression. You mention that you don't feel that you are making any progress with your counsellor. Do you think it would be worth trying to change to a new one?

    There is a board here to talk about Self Harming. You'll see me there. I hope that you find some comfort here. :hug:
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi glad you are reaching o ut here hugs
  7. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Member

    Thanks all, Ill be honest I do not really know the ettiqute on where to type and what ever so I wont find it rude if you tell me i should be posting elsewhere.
    As far as the therapist goes I do not think its him so much as me. My body may be having these urges but my mind will not settle for being less then straight (even if thoughts creep into my mind) The Therapist isnt focused on that so much as my depression and I just feel like nothing is getting done. But he is the free college Therapist and I do not have they money to see a private practicing one, nor do I wish to tell my parents about it.

    Self harming board, yeah ill start posting there thank you for the reference.
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