Hi, my names John and I'm in NC. My stories long and I apologize for that but I need to tell someone. The 1st time I thought about killing myself I believe I was 12. I grew up in a rural area so things like mental issues were nonsense, so I spent many years thinking I was sick or something wrong with me and afraid to tell or ask anyone for help. I managed to met someone not long out of High School. I fell for her immediately and married her after 6 months and we lasted 14 years together until the anxiety and anti social issues I had caused problems. I wanted to be a home body cause, well, Im comfortable there. She grew to be more outgoing. We had many fights that last year, mostly for her staying out with coworkers and not being home. Trust broke down. She tried to make me a part of it, get out, but at the time I couldn't. One night see came home late, I met her at the door and told her "this ends tonight", not knowing my ultimatum would end it all. She said "ok". A few weeks later I had made the decision to save my marriage. I was at work at the time and had a great friend who I discussed things with and encouraged me, I knew what needed to be done. My spirits were high as I left a 12 hour day. I was going to spend this weekend showing her what see meant to me, I was going to win back my wife. I came home that day, a Saturday, as normal. I didnt notice her car gone. When I came to our porch I made excuses for why the furniture was gone, "oh, she must be cleaning it out back". I opened our front door and saw all the furniture gone and mess left and my mind couldnt handle the truth. My first thoughts were "OH MY GOD! WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!" But, wait, why did they leave such valuable things and take things were junk? Who wants a 27" tv now a days, and I dont mean LCD. My mind bounced everywhere as I checked things, still too stupid to put the pieces together. I checked every room to see what the "robbers" had took. Finally I thought, "My laptop!" and it was still on the kitchen counter but this time with a note pasted to the top of it. Thats when my world fell apart. That was close to 4 years ago and I have struggled everyday since. I lie to people and tell them Im ok, I drink like a fish anymore but try and hide it, which is easy if you live alone. Ive been in a constant fight the past month between giving up or hoping somethng will come along. Anymore I just dont know what to do. Im tired of putting on this face for everyone. I found this forums tonight and am hoping maybe to find some understanding, some support.