Hi, I'm John.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JohnMG, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. JohnMG

    JohnMG New Member

    Hi, my names John and I'm in NC. My stories long and I apologize for that but I need to tell someone. The 1st time I thought about killing myself I believe I was 12. I grew up in a rural area so things like mental issues were nonsense, so I spent many years thinking I was sick or something wrong with me and afraid to tell or ask anyone for help. I managed to met someone not long out of High School. I fell for her immediately and married her after 6 months and we lasted 14 years together until the anxiety and anti social issues I had caused problems. I wanted to be a home body cause, well, Im comfortable there. She grew to be more outgoing. We had many fights that last year, mostly for her staying out with coworkers and not being home. Trust broke down. She tried to make me a part of it, get out, but at the time I couldn't. One night see came home late, I met her at the door and told her "this ends tonight", not knowing my ultimatum would end it all. She said "ok".
    A few weeks later I had made the decision to save my marriage. I was at work at the time and had a great friend who I discussed things with and encouraged me, I knew what needed to be done. My spirits were high as I left a 12 hour day. I was going to spend this weekend showing her what see meant to me, I was going to win back my wife. I came home that day, a Saturday, as normal. I didnt notice her car gone. When I came to our porch I made excuses for why the furniture was gone, "oh, she must be cleaning it out back". I opened our front door and saw all the furniture gone and mess left and my mind couldnt handle the truth. My first thoughts were "OH MY GOD! WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!" But, wait, why did they leave such valuable things and take things were junk? Who wants a 27" tv now a days, and I dont mean LCD. My mind bounced everywhere as I checked things, still too stupid to put the pieces together. I checked every room to see what the "robbers" had took. Finally I thought, "My laptop!" and it was still on the kitchen counter but this time with a note pasted to the top of it. Thats when my world fell apart. That was close to 4 years ago and I have struggled everyday since. I lie to people and tell them Im ok, I drink like a fish anymore but try and hide it, which is easy if you live alone. Ive been in a constant fight the past month between giving up or hoping somethng will come along. Anymore I just dont know what to do. Im tired of putting on this face for everyone. I found this forums tonight and am hoping maybe to find some understanding, some support.
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* Are you getting professional help. I am sorry you feel so bad. I think a lot of us tell others that we are ok.
     
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    John-I'm sorry to hear about the situation that you are in now. I'm not sorry that your wife chose to pursuit her own path and move on (that was obviously inevitable), I'm sorry about how you are interpreting what is happening in your life. Do you believe that honesty is the best policy? I do-and it seems like the two of you grew further apart over the years instead of getting closer. It seems like the truth about the two of you was that it was time to go your separate ways and move into a new period of your lives as separate individuals instead of a couple. I'm one of those people who lives by the credo-THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
     
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I believe that the truth will set you free-because digging down and finding my truth did set me free from a life of despair and isolation. My first attempt at suicide was at the age of 13-there were several other more serious attempts later in my life. I hated life-I hated caring about people but not knowing how to relate to them-I hated myself for being a broken, useless human being that no one (not even people in my family) cared about. That was how I felt about myself for a very long time-I know now that that was not the truth about the situation. That was how I interpreted my life experience but it wasn't the truth about it. There was a lot more going on then just that. I had a lot to learn about life and it was all about me by myself.

    Not me in a couple-me with my family-me with a friend-just me, all alone with myself. That's where you are now-just you, all by yourself. You can interpret the situation as the symptom of something that failed or the beginning of a brand new chapter in your life. There are hundreds of different ways of looking at the same situation and describing it. The way that you describe yourself has everything to do with your relationship with yourself. At this difficult time-I encourage you to see yourself through compassionate eyes, eyes that are kind and forgiving, eyes that understand what no one else understands-life is different for you than most. Mostly John-my prayer is that you forgive yourself for whatever it is that you think you did wrong in that relationship, put a period at the end of that sentence with no hate or animosity then walk out of that door and begin a brand new life with a brand new head on your shoulders :)
     
  5. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    JohnMG, I understand what you are going through. I had the same thing happen in 1991 with my first wife. Came home from work on New Years eve and found the a lot of stuff gone with a card from the local police department. It was devastating to say the least and took some time to get past it. I think it was about 4 months before I filed for divorce. It was a roller coaster ride but in the end I survived.
    The key for me was I tried not to blame her or myself as it was both of us. I am going through the same issue with my current spouse of 14 years yet I am making an effort to try and talk things out. It does not help when you are depressed but I still try to do it.
    I start a new job on Monday and I don't think I have the support as she says you don't have to work yet complains of no money. It is a dual edged sword.
    It will get better, try and see this as an new door opening. I know it is hard to do but in the end it works.
     
  6. Zeke171

    Zeke171 Active Member

    Yeah, had very similar situation with my ex-wife of 20 years...I spent a long time putting all the blame on myself, but eventually realized that we were both at fault, and it was something that happens no matter how hard you try to make things better. So you are not alone. Don't give up. I know all about the drinking and feeling sorry for myself - I can say that it gets better. I lied and said I was o.k. and that everything was cool for a long time afterwards also. Then I realized that life is not easy, and started to put the pieces back together. It won't be easy, that much I can tell you. Especially when your an introvert who hates change and wants things to keep going the way you want them to. But for your own good, make the decision to alter the pattern that your life has taken. Even if its small steps, do something different. Trust me, the first step is the hardest. Just realize that your not a bad person and have much to give to someone else. Good luck, I'll be pulling for you to get out of your funk.