i'll start at the beginning. my parents broke up when i was 3. i'm the middle child of 5 (2 older brothers, a younger sister, and a younger brother). none of us share a dad. when i was 5 my dad stopped visiting. i don't remember much about it, just that he didn't come anymore. when i was 8 my oldest brother sexually abused me. nothing too major,he didn't hurt me physically. i didn't know what we were doing was wrong. he told me he was going to "teach" me how to kiss like a grownup. he tried having sex with me but when i told him it hurt he stopped. this happened more than once, i'm not sure how many times. he would touch and get me to touch him. when i was 12 i saw my dad a few times. then once again he disappeared. presumabley didn't want me causing trouble with his new family. around the same time i would babysit my cousins while their dad (whose wife, my auntie, had died a few years earlier) went out drinking. one time he came home and lay on the sofa behind me (i was sleeping) and started touching me. i pretended to be asleep the whole time. after that i stopped babysitting, but when we all went on a family holiday together he would ogle me and make lewd comments when my mum wasn't around. when i was 16 i left home and went to live in a hostel for homeless teenagers. around the same time i was diagnosed with depression. within a few months i was pregnant. i didn't talk to my mum for a long while (we always argued) and my dad turned up back on the scene. he said he wanted to get to know me etc. i saw him 3 times before he disappeared again. i later found out he only got in contact cos my mum asked him to, because she was worried about me and the man i was seeing at the time. i stayed with that guy for 2 years and the whole time he was abusive, sexually and physically and mentally. he would say things like "if you leave me i'll kill myself" and "i'm sorry it won't happen again" and being stupid and naive i believed him. this is around the time i started self harming. i finally got rid of him when i was 18 and met someone else. i went on to have 2 children with this new guy, so now i was 20, mum of 3, in an unhappy relationship (we argued constantly, almost every other week he'd pack his bags an "leave" me, only to come back a few days later begging forgiveness). on my 21st birthday he left me and i decided i wanted to be alone, and refused to take him back. a few weeks before this happened my granddad died. he was like a dad to me growing up. i would stay at his house every weekend throuout my childhood. i knew he was ill (heart problems) but my family didn't tell me how serious it was because i was heavily pregnant at the time, so instead his death was a shock to me, and happened a week before i gave birth to my baby girl. for the next 11 months i was a single mum of 3, i developed an eating disorder (anorexia/bulemia), my depression worsened, and i wasn't looking after my children the way i should've been doing. i started drinking, not heavily, but daily. i met a man, who seemed perfect, and who i saw a few times a week, but i was still struggling with demons that he couldn't help me with. one day i had enough and i just walked out. i left the children with a friend, with arrangements for my mum to pick them up (we had arranged for her to visit them for the day) and i never went back. i was going to kill myself that day. i turned off my phone and went to a city 20 miles away from my home. i walked around all day, thinking how could i do it and where. i bought a load of different types of painkillers and an old fashioned mans razor blade, and sat at the docks and drank and took some painkillers (just enough to get me "high" or spaced out or whatever). while i was sat there i realised i wanted to say goodbye to this perfect man who i'd only known a month, so i called him. he'd already heard about me "disappearing" that day and was worried about me etc. he'd been the only person i'd ever spoken to about the suicidal feelings i had some days etc. we spoke for a while, and he came to get me just so we could talk. eventually he convinced me to go home with him and "sleep on it" 8 months later and i'm living with him, i haven't seen my children since that day and have only spoken to my mum to tell her to take the children to their dads cos i want them to live there. i cut myself off from my whole family, my friends, and now i have no one except this amazing man in my life. i feel like everyone i come into contact with i hurt in some way, or they hurt me, and the only reason i'm still alive is because this man tells me i'm a good person, and he loves me, and i'm his dream girl. he tries encouraging me to make contact with my family etc but i can't, it's been too long, what can i say? i'm not good for them when i'm like this, still having my "bad days" almost everyday, still self harming, still wanting to do nothing but die but not having the guts to do it myself. today i accidentally got access to his email account (it was a genuine accident, i opened msn messeneger and his emails came up on the screen) and curiosity got the better of me. i started reading his emails from 12 months ago, emails from and to other girls (from before we met) and in every one he tells them the same things he told me, shares the same "secrets" he shared with me. one of the girls was married. one of the girl he calls his "dream girl" at the beginning of every email. more than one he says he loves, can't stop thinking about. i know these are from 12+months ago, from before we met. none of them are recent. but he uses the same lines on me, he's always said he likes the sound of my voice, and my laugh, and he said the same to each one of these girls too. one of the emails was sexually explicit and described a "daydream" he had about this particular girl, and as i was reading it i felt sick because it almost word for word described the sex we had last night. i feel like all over again i've been betrayed, and i feel that while lately i've been trying to "recover" from this depression, it's just set me back so much. i know he's faithful to me, so that's not an issue, it's just a feel so let down. like it's all a lie or something. like he had all these lines and he just used them on me like he used them on others because he klnows they work or something. he;s due home from work soon and i don't know what to do. at first i wanted to just go out and kill myself, like what's the point? i've calmed down a little now but i can't stop crying, i feel betrayed, and i have no one to talk to about it. i cant talk to him about it cos then i'd have to admit that i was looking through his emails? i know this probbaly sounds petty in the grand scheme of things, and i know people are going through so much worse things right now. but this person is the ONE person i have ever been able to trust. he's the only one who i have told everything to, shared every detail of my life with, the good and the bad. now i feel like the past 8/9 months has been a lie, like it was all contrived from the beginning. sorry, i know this is a super long rant, but i just need to get it out. i have no one to talk to, no where to go, all i can do is sit here and let it eat me up. help me please.