hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (long)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sarah2111, Jun 9, 2010.

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  1. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    i'll start at the beginning.

    my parents broke up when i was 3. i'm the middle child of 5 (2 older brothers, a younger sister, and a younger brother). none of us share a dad. when i was 5 my dad stopped visiting. i don't remember much about it, just that he didn't come anymore.

    when i was 8 my oldest brother sexually abused me. nothing too major,he didn't hurt me physically. i didn't know what we were doing was wrong. he told me he was going to "teach" me how to kiss like a grownup. he tried having sex with me but when i told him it hurt he stopped. this happened more than once, i'm not sure how many times. he would touch and get me to touch him.

    when i was 12 i saw my dad a few times. then once again he disappeared. presumabley didn't want me causing trouble with his new family. around the same time i would babysit my cousins while their dad (whose wife, my auntie, had died a few years earlier) went out drinking. one time he came home and lay on the sofa behind me (i was sleeping) and started touching me. i pretended to be asleep the whole time. after that i stopped babysitting, but when we all went on a family holiday together he would ogle me and make lewd comments when my mum wasn't around.

    when i was 16 i left home and went to live in a hostel for homeless teenagers. around the same time i was diagnosed with depression. within a few months i was pregnant. i didn't talk to my mum for a long while (we always argued) and my dad turned up back on the scene. he said he wanted to get to know me etc. i saw him 3 times before he disappeared again. i later found out he only got in contact cos my mum asked him to, because she was worried about me and the man i was seeing at the time.

    i stayed with that guy for 2 years and the whole time he was abusive, sexually and physically and mentally. he would say things like "if you leave me i'll kill myself" and "i'm sorry it won't happen again" and being stupid and naive i believed him. this is around the time i started self harming.

    i finally got rid of him when i was 18 and met someone else. i went on to have 2 children with this new guy, so now i was 20, mum of 3, in an unhappy relationship (we argued constantly, almost every other week he'd pack his bags an "leave" me, only to come back a few days later begging forgiveness). on my 21st birthday he left me and i decided i wanted to be alone, and refused to take him back. a few weeks before this happened my granddad died. he was like a dad to me growing up. i would stay at his house every weekend throuout my childhood. i knew he was ill (heart problems) but my family didn't tell me how serious it was because i was heavily pregnant at the time, so instead his death was a shock to me, and happened a week before i gave birth to my baby girl.

    for the next 11 months i was a single mum of 3, i developed an eating disorder (anorexia/bulemia), my depression worsened, and i wasn't looking after my children the way i should've been doing. i started drinking, not heavily, but daily.

    i met a man, who seemed perfect, and who i saw a few times a week, but i was still struggling with demons that he couldn't help me with. one day i had enough and i just walked out. i left the children with a friend, with arrangements for my mum to pick them up (we had arranged for her to visit them for the day) and i never went back. i was going to kill myself that day. i turned off my phone and went to a city 20 miles away from my home. i walked around all day, thinking how could i do it and where. i bought a load of different types of painkillers and an old fashioned mans razor blade, and sat at the docks and drank and took some painkillers (just enough to get me "high" or spaced out or whatever).

    while i was sat there i realised i wanted to say goodbye to this perfect man who i'd only known a month, so i called him. he'd already heard about me "disappearing" that day and was worried about me etc. he'd been the only person i'd ever spoken to about the suicidal feelings i had some days etc. we spoke for a while, and he came to get me just so we could talk.

    eventually he convinced me to go home with him and "sleep on it"

    8 months later and i'm living with him, i haven't seen my children since that day and have only spoken to my mum to tell her to take the children to their dads cos i want them to live there.

    i cut myself off from my whole family, my friends, and now i have no one except this amazing man in my life. i feel like everyone i come into contact with i hurt in some way, or they hurt me, and the only reason i'm still alive is because this man tells me i'm a good person, and he loves me, and i'm his dream girl.

    he tries encouraging me to make contact with my family etc but i can't, it's been too long, what can i say? i'm not good for them when i'm like this, still having my "bad days" almost everyday, still self harming, still wanting to do nothing but die but not having the guts to do it myself.

    today i accidentally got access to his email account (it was a genuine accident, i opened msn messeneger and his emails came up on the screen) and curiosity got the better of me. i started reading his emails from 12 months ago, emails from and to other girls (from before we met) and in every one he tells them the same things he told me, shares the same "secrets" he shared with me. one of the girls was married. one of the girl he calls his "dream girl" at the beginning of every email. more than one he says he loves, can't stop thinking about.

    i know these are from 12+months ago, from before we met. none of them are recent. but he uses the same lines on me, he's always said he likes the sound of my voice, and my laugh, and he said the same to each one of these girls too.

    one of the emails was sexually explicit and described a "daydream" he had about this particular girl, and as i was reading it i felt sick because it almost word for word described the sex we had last night.

    i feel like all over again i've been betrayed, and i feel that while lately i've been trying to "recover" from this depression, it's just set me back so much. i know he's faithful to me, so that's not an issue, it's just a feel so let down. like it's all a lie or something. like he had all these lines and he just used them on me like he used them on others because he klnows they work or something.

    he;s due home from work soon and i don't know what to do. at first i wanted to just go out and kill myself, like what's the point? i've calmed down a little now but i can't stop crying, i feel betrayed, and i have no one to talk to about it. i cant talk to him about it cos then i'd have to admit that i was looking through his emails?

    i know this probbaly sounds petty in the grand scheme of things, and i know people are going through so much worse things right now. but this person is the ONE person i have ever been able to trust. he's the only one who i have told everything to, shared every detail of my life with, the good and the bad.

    now i feel like the past 8/9 months has been a lie, like it was all contrived from the beginning.

    sorry, i know this is a super long rant, but i just need to get it out. i have no one to talk to, no where to go, all i can do is sit here and let it eat me up.

    help me please.
  2. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    sorry for this being so long.
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    looking through his emails was a breach of trust. he may have the same thing to alot of girls but that doesnt mean anything unless he is still doing it today. forget about it for now.
  4. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    Welcome to SF. You have been through a lot, more than anyone should have to be. I am glad you are having some time away from your children to get yourself better. I would not read so much into the old emails as they were from before you guys were together, and just because what he said was similar to things he has said to you does not mean he is/was lieing. Maybe he really did feel the same for someone he previously met? I mean a lot of people have great laughs and smiles. I would tell him what happened and your concerns and go from there, dont keep that hanging over your head. Take care.
  5. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    he told me he's never had a "serious" relationship before me. i know i shouldn't let it get to me but it is. it's the fact the the phrases were line-for-line what he always says to me. i guess it was just a shock. i feel like he's not the same person i thought he was.

    i know i'll wake up tomorrow or the next day and think "what was i worrying about, it's nothing" but for now at least, it feels like a betrayal.
  6. Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    Hi Sarah!!

    Welcome along. I've not been around for long myself (on the SF, I mean!)

    Well, first off you say that you know many people have things worse than you. I'd say, from your story, like you can easily say you have lived through more than your fair share of adversity. And that puts it mildly. You sound like you have had one hell of a tough life and that your cards were dealt to you that way from the start. I would say you didn't stand much of a chance, but that a) sounds patronising and b) projects a defetist attitude. But it is sort of true. It's how you respond from here that has will define what you become. I am sure that you know this (saying this out loud makes me consider my own lot).

    The other thing is, how do you really feel about your children? I am not saying that you should feel any way. I am just asking. I actually totally understand what you have done and why. I live with my little boy, but sometimes the responsibility of it all feels so so much and I feel like running away. Like I have seriously thought about it.

    I suppose I am asking, are you happier in your current situation than you were before?

    Re your fella, I would be half tempted to ask him. Sod the been looking at his email account etc. This would be me, anyhow!! But it seems that your upset is a symptom of wider issues. Possibly. I only say this because I know how you feel. Yesterday I s.w. this guy I am kinda seeing and asked him if he wanted to read something I had written (re my feelings etc). he said, 'is it long?' God, I got soooo upset. Disproportionaly so (although it was f'ing rude!) You know though, it sort of feels like he is the only thing in the world that I have right now. Hence the attaching of strong feelings to something that, in happier times, might not have touched me so.

    My problems are much wider than this. But I feel quite alone, somewhat like how you sound. Mostly my own doing (sort of cut myself off due to insecurities). The question is, can I come back from this? Ever. I don't know. I hope so.

    I really related to a lot of what you said. I thought it was incredibly brave and honest.

    Sorry my post is not particuarly helpful. Just more of a, 'I know how you feel.' But, quickly: Are you on any medication etc? and also, 8 months is not that long at all, in the grand scheme of life. Shout your family. Even if only to say Hi for now. I bet they all miss you like hell. You must miss them too?
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    DO NOT SAY YOU READ HIS EMAILS, unless you want a whole lot more trouble.
  8. Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    I suppose it depends on what sort of a guy he is??
  9. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l


    I love my children, all i want is the best for them. for a long time they were the only reason i bothered to get out bed in a morning and the routine of the school run etc kept me going. but i know that while i was in that situation i wasn't looking after them properly/paying them the attention they needed, and i wasn't looking after myself properly either. i'm not happier now, in fact i'd say i have more "bad days" than what i had before, but the kids are in a better situation, and i have more energy to concentrate on getting myself better.

    i know what you mean about blowing things out of proportion etc, i do the same. every little thing feels like it's the end of the world.

    i think the fact that i'm alone makes this whole thing worse. if i'd have had someone this afternoon who i just could've emailed or texted i probably wouldn't have felt the way i did. my "best friend" up until now has been a guy i've known for years, who just last week attempted to kiss me and said he had feelings for me. while we're still friends to a point i feel like i can't confide in him the way i used to.

    isolation is a scary thing when you feel as down as we do, having no one to talk you out of a bad mood or rationalise your feelings. it's not good :eek:/

    and thanks, a "i know how you feel" is good to hear/read right now.
  10. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    he's not the sort of guy to fly off the handle for me reading his emails, he'd just be disappointed that i did maybe. he might even laugh in a "i've got nothing to hide" kind of way. he's such a laid back guy nothing would bother him like that.we've never had an argument, and we've always trusted each other 100% up until now.

    though with all that said i don't plan on telling him. i guess i've just got to try and forget about it for now. already it seems like it's almost nothing to me. like, what was i worrying about?? today's just been another bad day for me and like LLL mentioned, it's easy to over react to things.
  11. sarah2111

    sarah2111 Member

    Re: hi, i'm new, and just wanted to vent a little, and tell all about why i'm here (l

    i guess just my over reactions to small/petty things usually lead to me doing something stupid like self harm/drinking etc. i have to fight with myself to not do soemthing like that most of the time.
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