Hi I'm new here

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by RainbowSandra, Nov 28, 2013.

  1. RainbowSandra

    RainbowSandra Member

    I don't really know where to begin, I've been depressed all my life, I remember not being happy as a little child, being left out and not having real friends and my mom would always just say I was having a bad day..
    I remember being 10 and starting to binge eat when I was sad and when I gained weight my mom would tell me I was getting fat and at 12 she took me to the gym..
    At 13 I binged and starved myself.. I had 2 friends and life was "good".. until a man decided that it was time for me to grow up and loose my virginity....
    but at 14 those to friends decided I wasn't going to be their friend anymore, the rest of the kids were bullying me and had been doing that for years.. so then I was alone and had started to cut myself and throw up after binging..
    My mom saw my hands, the scars and the blood and got angry, yelled at me for being selfish and then didn't talk to me for a while..
    She didn't really seem to care, didn't talk more about it and didn't try to make someone else talk to me..

    years went by, I found a real friend and fell in love and now 21 years old I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old but the depression never went away.. I tried talking to my mom a little over a year ago and she told me that she had also been depressed when she was younger, she talked about feeling sad and then it was just over and went away.. that's not depression, that's just an "off month" .. and she says its exactly the same..

    My boyfriend proposed and I said yes and still I'm just sad and sometimes angry, we fight a lot now and I just can't shake off the suicidal feelings.. we've always talked about everything, tried to talk through it and make it better but I feel like it's too late, all I do is cry, all I want to do is take their pain away and just go so they can live a happy life, not filled with depression, yelling, crying and self hatred ...
    I still have only one friend and now we can barely talk anymore so I'm just alone..

    I just don't know what to do anymore
    Feeling lost and alone .. please help...
  2. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Hi rainbowsandra. Welcome you are in the right place for support I don't think there is anyone on here that would dismiss your feelings. Have you ever tried professional help? The idea is daunting I know but worth while. Its not healthy dealing with things without the correct support. Thankyou for coming here you are doing the right thing.
  3. RainbowSandra

    RainbowSandra Member

    I have tried professional help once but it didn't really go well, I'm not really good at talking to strangers in person about feelings.. and it made me more nervous so I lied and said I was feeling well so after a few weeks I didn't have to go anymore... but that was 6 years ago
  4. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    You really should try again and stick with it. I went through 4 psychiatrist (got banned from 3) before I found one that I felt comfortable with. The eating binges and self halm are control measures its you controlling one part of yoyour life Because you feel like you can't control the rest I.e the root cause of your depression the fact that you are fighting so much could also be a sign of this. You don't just have to go to a psyc there are groups you can go to. You really should try before it consumes you.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hi and welcome to the forums!

    hope you like it here!. (checking the forums before emmerdale. lol!)

    hope to see you around
  6. RainbowSandra

    RainbowSandra Member

    I might do that, though I do want to move back "home" first, living in another country and don't really understand the language enough to put my feelings in words ..
    We are planning on moving next year, at least some of my stress will be left behind cause then my mom can't visit unexpectedly so that's one problem less..