Hi, Im new here.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by askepott, Aug 24, 2014.

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  1. askepott

    askepott New Member

    Hey guys. I am new here. I dont know where else to turn and I need to share my feelings somewhere.

    Ive been seriously battling depression ever since one of my best friends committed suicide around Christmas 09. When thinking back in the later years Ive come to remember I was actually even depressed before then, however I believe that was just that kind of depression most teenagers go through.

    I am now 23 years old. If one were to look at my life from the outside, it would seem like I live the good life. I have many friends, I have a good job, a nice family, a bright future... Some of my closest friends know I am battling depression. However none of them know how bad it really is. None of them know I think about suicide at least once a day. None of them know that once a week or more i sit in a chair in my living room and just cry, not necessarily for any apparent reason.

    I used to be able to pretend like everything was ok. I was able to smile and make everyone believe I was happy, I was still able to be the life of the party. Now it is all fading, I am exhausted, and having a hard time trying to make myself and everybody else believe that I am happy. I used to feel happiness whenever I was hanging out with friends, now I feel nothing.

    I am tired all the time. Work keeps me going though, it helps having somewhere I need to be, but I often feel like just going home and sleep right after. I try to make myself meet my friends, and sometimes i manage, but often I also make up stupid excuses not to go cause Im just too tired. Then I feel bad right after, both for canceling on my friend, and for letting myself wasting my youth just by sleeping and staying at home doing absolutely nothing. Im sure it does not at all help that I live alone either, however that is a situation I am not able to do anything about at the moment. I know from experience that I am comfortable living close to other people, and it also makes me much better at getting up from my bed/couch and out to meet people. I love big get togethers and parties, but I hate being a partypooper or people seeing me as a tired, boring person, so this often makes me not go at all.

    More than once through the years I have tried to get help. The first times I were treated as a crazy person, so I just left it at that. A couple of years when I finally worked up my courage to ask my doctor again for help to find a psychologist or something like that, he said we didnt have time, I would have to schedule another appointment with him so we could discuss it. I still havent done that. I am working on it though, however I only have those moments when I feel like telling someone about my problems. I might have that moment when I call the doctor to schedule an appointment, but the moment is over when I actually go to my appointment, and I end up not mentioning it.

    I have good moments too. Sometimes even good days. Sometimes I just feel like living life, and I have no idea how I can even think about being depressed or wanting to get away from this life. In those moments or on those days I think to myself that if I could just feel like this all the time, I would be so thankful. Many days are also just OK - i dont feel sad, I dont feel happy... i feel dont know if I even feel anything those days, other than just exhaustion. How can I feel again? How can I feel happy again? Can someone really convince me that I can be happy? Do pills help (medication)?

    For a long period of time I have felt like Ive been waiting for something. I am not sure weather it is waiting for my life to end, or for it to begin. I wish I was able to live in the moment. I wish I had energy and motivation to do stuff - hang out with friends, go to parties, be creative, get stuff done.... - live and enjoy life. I wish I could really just feel happy! Feel like Im living, and like life has meaning. I know it does, I just cant feel it. Its like I lost all my feelings - except the sad and hopeless one of course.

    Earlier I was sure I wanted to end my life. Now I know I want to live, there is so much I want to do, however if I have to live my life feeling like this, I would rather escape.

    This post might have gotten a little messy, Im not even sure if its in the right thread, apologize, I just needed to write some of it down.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do one thing ok for YOU call and make that appt with your doctor and you get doc to listen ok There is treatment for depression meds therapy and depression does not need a reason you chemicals in your brain can be out of whack some so antidepressants could help You deserve to live without the sadness you feel you deserve support so get it ok

    One reason only tell your doc you have one reason to be there to get help for your depression
  3. @askepott,

    Recognizing that you need to do something about this is an important basic first step. I wish that finding good mental health practitioners was easier. If you trust your doc's judgment, I guess he's a good person to ask for recommendations, but his judgment is pretty awful if he's going to put you off and insist on $$ when he should have a list of referrals to give anyone on the spur of the moment. In my opinion, he's a jerk. Probably in part his attitude is created by our lousy medical care system and the harried pace it drives him at, but anyone who looses their humanity in their work needs to leave it. If you need his referral for insurance reasons, go for it, but if not, the Internet is your friend.

    Regardless of how you come to see a mental health professional, be willing to try 3 or 4 of them until you hit on one that really "clicks". It's important that you respect them and that you feel understood and cared about. Don't stop until you do.

    I would like to put one idea out there for you, for what it's worth. Life, you'll find, is full of the unremarkable and banal. And that's not a failure on your part. Every day does not have to be filled with joy. When I was your age, some 35 years ago, I expected way too much of everyday existence and felt there must be something wrong with how I was going about it if I did not leap out of bed every day and see rainbows an unicorns. But the reality is that, as the old Paul Simon song says, "a good day, ain't got no pain". Besides, you live in the most technologically advanced and prosperous civilization in the history of humanity, and you're spared third-world pain and sorrows. So please don't feel as though "no pain" days are inadequate. It could be far worse.

    Here is the science behind this thought. It's an evolutionary survival advantage for us to pay attention to the slightest negative, and to be unimpressed with most all positives. Think about why. Someone who assumes that the bushes are rustling because there's a carnivore in there ready to pounce -- that person runs and asks questions later. They may be embarrassed, but they will never die in the jaws of a tiger. This isn't such a great adaptation, though, in the modern world. So it actually pays to train yourself to pay attention to good things, to remain present with them long enough for them to sink in. I used to think this was Pollyanna-ish, but you can actually learn to get by on the meager dribs and drabs of accomplishment, security, stability and health that life affords you, if you work on that. What I'm suggesting is that there are positives in your life that are passing through you unnoticed and part of that is just that you expect way too much. Life isn't all about you -- or at all about you. You are an ordinary guy living a typical life. But it's enough, if you're willing to accept that and live within your actual scope.

    I wish you the best, guy.
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