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hi i'm new here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fixintodie, Nov 28, 2007.

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  1. fixintodie

    fixintodie Active Member

    This madness has entrenched me from foot on up. If these are my last words so be it. It is in human nature to be selfish, so I'd rather get the last words for myself then have someone else speak for me with all their @#%$ theories.

    Freewill has become a big joke at this point in my life. Have I ever had it? I was given the minutest trivial struggles that finally overflowed the den and collapsed on in. On top of that I was given a predisposition I despise. A predisposed combination of genes prone to depression, suffering, misery, complacency, and rapid mood swings. Life would have been so easy if my human nature lacked major depression. And I would have had no complaints whatsoever. Whether this vulnerability was posed upon me by a Higher Being or through the indifferent process of evolutionary theory is not an issue to examine. Both of the cases seem entirely indifferent and selfish to me. For one I never asked for this so called 'gift of life'. It was imposed upon me out of my will. And where is truth? There is no way to find it. Whether we try and use reason to prove God, or put "faith" in this unknown- both fail to impress me. Paradoxically both of these futile attempts require 'leaps of faith', with the latter threatening eternal damnation for a finite life if one had not lived his life in accordance to God's word. Whatever word that may be.

    This depression has manifested itself in the sickest forms of human inactivity. Some days my mind becomes so blank that I forget who I am. Procrastination takes over in every human affair, organized school work, and errand I attempt. Socializing begins to take great effort, where it otherwise wouldn't. Learning from past mistakes becomes unheard of. Bad habits continue. Life seems to lack meaning. I feel boring when I'm bored. Hence, I bore others when I'm bored, and that means my family, friends, and self. I depress others when I'm depressed. And this in turn makes me more depressed. I forget what it's like to be happy. Then I forget what it's like to be normal. It's a vicious self defeating cycle of flames. If there is a God, I feel that he is nonchalantly observing this with his omnipotence, which must prevent him from any feelings whatsoever. I observe people of faith and realize.....eh fck it, I'm blaming others again. I don't blame anyone for this , myself included, because it's all one big @#%$ paradox. If this fog lifted I could easily score a girl, maintain my friendships, enter a lucrative and joyful career, have genuine relationships with those I love, relax, hang out, be funny, not give a @#%$, and take full control of my responsibilities. But as this things worsens I begin almost not caring, which at the same time causes shame. It's confusing. The shame and guilt is probably due to giving up on a part of me that wants to stay, and to not flake out on those that be upset over a bad decision.

    Should I take medication?Therapy?Meditate?Eat the right foods? There's such an abundance of bland information and self help material out there that it ruins the seriousness factor out any legitimate solution. Maybe I should, just snap out of it. Anyways like I was saying....

    *Hi, I'm new here. Side note: No offense. I feel everyone's struggle, but the people who are in their early teens (10-16), you guys relax a little. You still have time to get things better trust me. Phase out of that emo shit.
  2. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    It's very early, or VERY LATE. depending on where you are in the spinning times zones.
    It's 3.am for me and I just got out of work and I am drinking enought to go to sleep.
    Wanted to read about what my favorite poeple are doing.
    The best people on the web come here.
    THINKING PEOPLE. Human being with a real feeling for life.
    You are so articulte. sorry FOR my spelling, IT'S has always been a problem...
    You spell out your troubles and probelms so well..
    Don't do anything that would hurt you...
    I am not going to tel you to see a doctor.
    If I may tell you alittle story.
    I have suffered depression ever since my twin brother died.
    It's been a number of years.
    Time doesn't matter... I don't COPE WELL:rolleyes:
    my wife tells her best friend that, I can in one night after drinking too much..
    which I shouldn't have done...
    And said that I don't give a shit about any thing or any body and wish I was fucking dead.
    WELL OF COURSE, she thinks.
    I NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR AND have concouling, meds, and etc,etc,etc,
    We ain't all heard that before:tongue:
    I will not comment about the meds :mad:
    I wish I had an answer for you...
    Just hang on.. some times things get better on their own.
    as strange as that sounds
  3. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Hello newbie! Listen, imo you are sounding far too intellegent to jump the gun. Your reasoning is sound. Your words precise. We all struggle w/ different problems in various forms. To overcome all obstacles is human nature, and something tell me you can, just by reading your post. Well..... that's what I think. If you take these words into consideration, for these words are all I have to offer..... you may find it unnessesary to doubt youself or what you are truly capable of. Put "faith" in yourself if only to find another reason to go on. You are the "higher power". Well that is what I believe of any person who seems as well thought out as you do. TC man.
  4. fixintodie

    fixintodie Active Member

    ah but if only i can articulate myself at whim vocally rather than in a typed post. if i could express who i was with body language and speech and incorporate that into my currently stale stiff personality as a result of depression/paranoia, then more than half my problems would be gone.
  5. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    I can identify so strongly with your description of depression, fixintodie. Except that I have tried almost every kind of medication and therapy throughout my life. I just feel I was never meant to be on this earth. I try to find happiness in the thought that others have a meaningful existence -- specifically, the interpersonal relationships and vocational accomplishments that I have never even had a taste of. There seems to be an abundance of fairly content people in the world, and I'm just the runt of the litter who should never have survived past birth.
    The doctor's talking about electroshock therapy, but I can't find any consistent data on it, and it could further reduce my short-term memory permanently, so I am loath to take that step.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You can work on improving those things. It isn't easy and it takes overcoming some obstacles and lots of practice but it can be done. What you can write you can verbalize. Don't give up on yourself. One thing at a time, no matter how small it may seem. The small things add up to eventual success. :hug:
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