This madness has entrenched me from foot on up. If these are my last words so be it. It is in human nature to be selfish, so I'd rather get the last words for myself then have someone else speak for me with all their @#%$ theories. Freewill has become a big joke at this point in my life. Have I ever had it? I was given the minutest trivial struggles that finally overflowed the den and collapsed on in. On top of that I was given a predisposition I despise. A predisposed combination of genes prone to depression, suffering, misery, complacency, and rapid mood swings. Life would have been so easy if my human nature lacked major depression. And I would have had no complaints whatsoever. Whether this vulnerability was posed upon me by a Higher Being or through the indifferent process of evolutionary theory is not an issue to examine. Both of the cases seem entirely indifferent and selfish to me. For one I never asked for this so called 'gift of life'. It was imposed upon me out of my will. And where is truth? There is no way to find it. Whether we try and use reason to prove God, or put "faith" in this unknown- both fail to impress me. Paradoxically both of these futile attempts require 'leaps of faith', with the latter threatening eternal damnation for a finite life if one had not lived his life in accordance to God's word. Whatever word that may be. This depression has manifested itself in the sickest forms of human inactivity. Some days my mind becomes so blank that I forget who I am. Procrastination takes over in every human affair, organized school work, and errand I attempt. Socializing begins to take great effort, where it otherwise wouldn't. Learning from past mistakes becomes unheard of. Bad habits continue. Life seems to lack meaning. I feel boring when I'm bored. Hence, I bore others when I'm bored, and that means my family, friends, and self. I depress others when I'm depressed. And this in turn makes me more depressed. I forget what it's like to be happy. Then I forget what it's like to be normal. It's a vicious self defeating cycle of flames. If there is a God, I feel that he is nonchalantly observing this with his omnipotence, which must prevent him from any feelings whatsoever. I observe people of faith and realize.....eh fck it, I'm blaming others again. I don't blame anyone for this , myself included, because it's all one big @#%$ paradox. If this fog lifted I could easily score a girl, maintain my friendships, enter a lucrative and joyful career, have genuine relationships with those I love, relax, hang out, be funny, not give a @#%$, and take full control of my responsibilities. But as this things worsens I begin almost not caring, which at the same time causes shame. It's confusing. The shame and guilt is probably due to giving up on a part of me that wants to stay, and to not flake out on those that be upset over a bad decision. Should I take medication?Therapy?Meditate?Eat the right foods? There's such an abundance of bland information and self help material out there that it ruins the seriousness factor out any legitimate solution. Maybe I should, just snap out of it. Anyways like I was saying.... *Hi, I'm new here. Side note: No offense. I feel everyone's struggle, but the people who are in their early teens (10-16), you guys relax a little. You still have time to get things better trust me. Phase out of that emo shit.