Short introduction then. I'm 22 years old. Currently unemployed. And by currently I mean I've never had a job. Education? Flunked out. Working on it. I have been depressed since I was 7-8 years old when I came to the conclusion that there are a few undeniable facts in life. Facts I didn't like. I came to the realization that existence is utterly meaningless. People live for around 70 years which is nothing really. There is no god or afterlife and everything I do, have done or will ever do changes nothing. The earth still dies, the universe dies. Humanity has an expiration date. No matter what anyone does it ends the same way. In pure, undiluted nothingness. The very idea of my consciousness (or self awareness? I'm not very good at english, not my native language) disappearing... Well, that hit hard. Then I got severely bullied for years which has formed me into the kind of person I am today. Which isn't a very good one. I had a string of over 50 one-night stands before I got raped last summer. It wasn't very nice. Quite painful really. But to be honest? I don't get the fuzz. I mean sure, it was bad. But not that bad. Not compared to everything else I've been through. Although it has made me, on some level, hate all homosexual men. Not on conscious level. I know and understand that they are just like everyone else, some good and some bad. But on an emotional level? Well, When I see a homosexual couple I'm filled with rage and hatred. I know it's wrong to judge a group of people because on one mans action, but I can't really help it can I? It is that way now and I'll work on it. Am working on it. But it does make me a bad person. Or worse at least. It did put a stop to me sleeping around though. So I guess the loss in sexual appetite that followed was a good thing. Even if my current sexlife is suffering from it. Especially since I'm in my first serious relationship ever and all those one-night stands weigh heavily on me today. Probably wouldn't were it not for the rape and relationship which followed. I might have ADD... Probably had ADHD but it seems the H disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Probably asperger too. I will probably find out since my girlfriend forced me to visit a psychiatrist leading to me having to go through a bunch of test. A complete analysis or whatever it's called. Still trying to figure out a way to avoid that one. We live several hrs apart anyway, so she probably wont find out. But she'll get mad and they do have my phone number. So I'm in quite a pickle. Currently I'm suffering from suicidal thoughts daily. Several times. Have a self-harming behavior and am well on my way on developing anorexia again. And yeah, that was way too much and I'm posting before I change my mind again.