Hi... I'm new

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by vemvet, Jul 1, 2014.

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  1. vemvet

    vemvet New Member

    Short introduction then.
    I'm 22 years old. Currently unemployed. And by currently I mean I've never had a job.
    Education? Flunked out. Working on it.
    I have been depressed since I was 7-8 years old when I came to the conclusion that there are a few undeniable facts in life. Facts I didn't like.
    I came to the realization that existence is utterly meaningless. People live for around 70 years which is nothing really. There is no god or afterlife and everything I do, have done or will ever do changes nothing. The earth still dies, the universe dies. Humanity has an expiration date. No matter what anyone does it ends the same way. In pure, undiluted nothingness. The very idea of my consciousness (or self awareness? I'm not very good at english, not my native language) disappearing... Well, that hit hard.

    Then I got severely bullied for years which has formed me into the kind of person I am today. Which isn't a very good one.
    I had a string of over 50 one-night stands before I got raped last summer. It wasn't very nice. Quite painful really. But to be honest? I don't get the fuzz. I mean sure, it was bad. But not that bad. Not compared to everything else I've been through. Although it has made me, on some level, hate all homosexual men. Not on conscious level. I know and understand that they are just like everyone else, some good and some bad. But on an emotional level? Well, When I see a homosexual couple I'm filled with rage and hatred. I know it's wrong to judge a group of people because on one mans action, but I can't really help it can I? It is that way now and I'll work on it. Am working on it. But it does make me a bad person. Or worse at least. It did put a stop to me sleeping around though. So I guess the loss in sexual appetite that followed was a good thing. Even if my current sexlife is suffering from it.

    Especially since I'm in my first serious relationship ever and all those one-night stands weigh heavily on me today. Probably wouldn't were it not for the rape and relationship which followed.

    I might have ADD... Probably had ADHD but it seems the H disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Probably asperger too. I will probably find out since my girlfriend forced me to visit a psychiatrist leading to me having to go through a bunch of test. A complete analysis or whatever it's called. Still trying to figure out a way to avoid that one. We live several hrs apart anyway, so she probably wont find out. But she'll get mad and they do have my phone number. So I'm in quite a pickle.

    Currently I'm suffering from suicidal thoughts daily. Several times. Have a self-harming behavior and am well on my way on developing anorexia again.
    And yeah, that was way too much and I'm posting before I change my mind again.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, vemvet! Welcome to SF! We're a pretty friendly and supportive group. I'm sorry to hear of the troubles that have brought you here. Maybe seeing a therapist would give you a chance to talk through all the hard times and then you can just move on? Maybe worth a try? :noide: But again, welcome and I'm glad you found us! :)
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi vemvet it is nice to hear you have a friend that will help support you now and i do hope you get into see the doctor ok If only to see what your diagnosis is and maybe get some treatment to help you deal with rape and the past bullying welcome to forum
     
  4. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    Hello Vemvet. Welcome to the forum here you will find plenty of people that will be happy to talk to you and support you :). I'm really sorry about what happened to you in the past. I hope you find this forum helpful. I'm here if you ever need to talk :)
     
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Please take care and keep posting.
     
  6. vemvet

    vemvet New Member

    Thanks for the words of welcome everyone. It's appreciated.
     
  7. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Truly sorry to hear about your abuse. There is no excuse for how you were treated. Maybe the "act" itself was not all that bad (as you say), but, the lasting effect(s) of sexual abuse can be damaging.

    I know, its difficult, and this could make you hate homosexuals. I hope you will see the jerk as a predator, and they come in all forums. Abusers are more about preying on people they see as a target.

    Don't allow hate to fill your heart now. This is allowing the jerk to win.

    I truly hope you will get any counseling you are in need of, and so deserve. It helped me deal with my own sexual abuse.

    ~It can rain every day~

    Best wishes.
     
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