Hi, I'm new

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by InTheForest, Jul 25, 2016.

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  1. InTheForest

    InTheForest Member

    I'm not sure if it's okay for me to start a new topic, but I didn't want to barge in on the more recent topics where discussions are already in progress, because I don't want to derail helpful discussions. Sorry, I sound really stilted and weird! I'm just not used to discussing this, even online.

    I'm a female in my late thirties. I'm happily married, no kids so far, three cats. I've been battling with depression since my first year at uni, but only admitted it to myself in the last week.

    [Trigger warning, direct mention in the next paragraph of the subject of this site]

    I know we're not to give details, so suffice to say I've attempted suicide twice in my life. Once when I was twelve, and once about five years back. And I was thinking about it seriously again last week.

    Anyway, obviously I'm here to type this, so none of those attempts came off.

    I still think about it though, almost every day. I think the only three things stopping me at the moment are:

    1) My life isn't in order. That didn't always bother me, but now it does. I don't want to leave an administrative nightmare behind. Quite ironic, as that mess is one of the things that contributes to my depression.
    2) While, when I consider suicide, I don't really have a problem leaving behind my family and friends (although I would miss them), I do have a problem with leaving them in this particular way. It's likely some of them might blame themselves to some degree, especially my husband, my mother, and my best friend. I think my best friend and my husband would get over it in a year or so, but I'm not so sure about my mum. I've thought about ways to do it "accidentally", but I can't think of one that wouldn't also inflict damage on an innocent person.
    3) I can't leave my cats. That may sound stupid, but I believe that when you take on a pet, you take it on for its lifetime, along with the responsibility to give it the best life you can for as long as it lives. If I ever did go ahead, I would make sure there were good homes in place for our cats, if my husband chose not to keep them. My husband would probably cope quite well with one of our cats (the middle one), as he's always been extremely chilled out (the middle cat I mean). The other two cats would need careful rehoming, as when I was hospitalized for five days a couple of years back (for a broken leg, nothing to do with depression), they both pined, and were apparently miserable.

    So anyway, those are the things stopping me. Plus, I suppose, the tiny thread of hope that I may be able to turn my life around during the next year.

    So, that's me. Or at least the part of me that pertains to this site.

    Anyone else been through anything similar?
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Go ahead and start a thread about whatever is on your mind. Are you getting help for the depression?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi @InTheForest and welcome to the forums. Of course it is okay for you to start a new topic. Feel free to start a new topic in any of the forums and sub forums here.
    I am sorry you are feeling so down in the dumps and crappy at the moment, but things CAN get better. I am so glad you survived your previous attempts maybe that a sign that you do belong here. I think you would benefit from the forum as there are lots of like minded people here. I hope things get better for you, are you seeing a doctor or psychiatrist, are you on any medication?
  4. InTheForest

    InTheForest Member

    Hi Petal,

    Thank you very much for replying to me. To be honest, that means a lot on its own. As far as a doctor goes, I'm still psyching myself up to even make an appointment with my GP to discuss this. Almost every other member of my immediate family, with the exception of my dad, has got, or has had, some form of depression, but we don't really talk about it with each other. I'm personally scared of medication because I value my mind above everything else. I don't want to end up prescribed with something that will "level" me. Does that make sense at all?
  5. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi @InTheForest

    Short answer: yes.

    These are all practical considerations that have kept many of us going along from day to day, along with that flicker of hope that I guess springs eternal even if very dim, once there is life. For me, #2 is probably the one that I keep trying to 'solve' on darker days.

    You mentioned a year out from now. Is some event or deadline on the horizon? Sometimes certain dates bring with them a bit more pressure and can increase these thoughts, though often the fear/apprehension may be worse than the reality in the future which we cannot foresee.

    Maybe while you work through the administrative matters, you can get some medical help. It's good that you seem to have loving people around you, who will hopefully support you through to the other side.
    iam likes this.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again @InTheForest Of course that makes sense. I have been on medications such as seroquel and haloperidol which made me zone out completely and medicines such as xanax and valium (on the course of coming off that one now) sedating my mind but...but you do not have to stay on them forever maybe get therapy in conjunction with medications(if it is decided that you need them of course) will help you to recover from this difficult period in your life. You don't have to be on them forever and can stay sharp minded depending on you/the doses. You should really talk to the doctor about how you want to stay sharp while in treatment for recovery and maybe together ye can make a plan of action. I hope you do see a doctor as mental illness untreated can and does get worse for a lot of people. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do!
  7. InTheForest

    InTheForest Member

    Hi AlexiMarie7,

    There's no particular event on the horizon, except, I suppose, the fact that I've always wanted children. I figure if I leave it more than a year from now, there's almost no possibility of having kids. Plus, recently, I've been looking at the politics of the world, and it seems screwed up to the extent that I'm questioning if I even should bring a child into the world, even if I could. Just to keep you up to date, my husband would like to have a child, but he doesn't feel it in his bones like I do. I think, as far as my husband is concerned, there are ways to make a reasonably happy marriage with or without a child. For me, letting go of the possibility of a child is so enormous that I have no idea how to go about it. It's something so vital in me that it will take a long, long time to find another way to be happy. However, if that's the way it goes, I will do my very best to accept it.

  8. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    The way you spoke of your cats, I actually immediately thought you have the mindset of a good parent, but I did not want to ask about that specifically.
    It can be quite hard to give up a deeply held desire to have a child, although if you are rethinking it yourself, then it may be good to do some soul searching so to speak as to whether you do want, and maybe broach it again with your husband if you do. Do you have children around you and your husband, in your life in any way?
  9. InTheForest

    InTheForest Member


    Sort of. I am godmother to my best friend's second daughter, "Patience", and I've always done my very best to be the best godmother I can be, while also being aware of "Fliss", her first daughter, whom I also love deeply. My sister had two sons while she was fairly young, and I babysitted them often when I was a teenager, so I suppose in a way I've ha my fill of kids. But I still want them, deep down. I suppose it's a battle between my practical sense, my emotional sense and my intellectual sense. If I'm being truly honest, I still want to at least try to have a child of our own. But I'm trying to train my brain to realise that it may never happen. My husband doesn't seem to care much either way, but I think if you asked him right now, he'd probably rather father father a child.
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  10. InTheForest

    InTheForest Member

    But either way, don't worry about the cats. I knew what I was getting into with the little furry sods, and whatever happens, I won't leave them adrift.
  11. InTheForest

    InTheForest Member

    They mean a lot to me, and I'm also aware that they have individual needs. There is absolutely no way that I'd leave my cats with nowhere to go.
  12. InTheForest

    InTheForest Member

    Finding appropriate homes for my cats would be my first priority.
  13. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm not sure from this line which way your husband would lean--although maybe that's exactly what you were conveying :) But if he is on the fence, then I guess you may have to decide and then have the discussion in more depth.
    I'm really glad to hear that you have children in your life (or that you are in theirs!) as you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and love in you to share.
    I know there is an instinct sometimes to have 'ownership' of your own child but I think it's perhaps even more important to spread love and contribute to children's upbringing--whether they are officially yours or not.
    Would you consider fostering perhaps on a short term/respite basis? If possible it could give you both a more direct first hand, in your home, experience or at least allow you another avenue to care for a child.

    It can be a challenging decision to make, but at least you are giving it reasoned thought which is a good place to come from.

    I wish you both the best in deciding.
  14. DadzTruk

    DadzTruk Member


    I want to add on to what AlexiMarie7 just mentioned. There are literally thousands of children in foster care who need someone to love them. It sounds like you have plenty of love to share. The system can be really tough on these kids because they never feel needed or loved. We have had 8 foster children come through our home. We adopted 4 of them. It’s not just young children. Many are teenagers who need someone to help them through those last few years into adulthood and then be a friend for life.

    You also mentioned that many in your family had depression, but you don’t talk to each other about it. Whether you talk to family or not, find a good counselor in your area and go talk to them. For some reason – even though the world seems so “open” in so many areas – many people still hold back from talking about depression. Feeling there is some type of stigma attached. Unfortunately, for many of us, depression is just a part of life. For some it’s a short term situation and for others it’s long term. Either way, the best way to deal with it is to talk to a professional. You may have to be on medication for a while and you may not. Medication is not mandatory in counseling. Honestly – my opinion – you are more likely to get put on medication for it from your general physician than an actual counselor because the general physician doesn’t have the time to talk through things with you.

    I can say for a fact that suicide is not the answer. I’ve been there. So have you – trying twice and still here? There is obviously a purpose for your life. I don’t know you or your family, but I can say from personal experience that the people in your life who love you – will never get over the suicide of a loved one. Never. Whatever you are facing, things will get better. I’m not trying to go all cliché on you, but start looking at what you have instead of what you don’t. Out of your own mouth you said you were happily married and you have animals that you love and I’m sure there is much more than that. Try to look beyond whatever storm you are in and see that you have a good future in front of you. Praying that hope would begin to overwhelm your every thought.
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