I'm not sure if it's okay for me to start a new topic, but I didn't want to barge in on the more recent topics where discussions are already in progress, because I don't want to derail helpful discussions. Sorry, I sound really stilted and weird! I'm just not used to discussing this, even online. I'm a female in my late thirties. I'm happily married, no kids so far, three cats. I've been battling with depression since my first year at uni, but only admitted it to myself in the last week. [Trigger warning, direct mention in the next paragraph of the subject of this site] I know we're not to give details, so suffice to say I've attempted suicide twice in my life. Once when I was twelve, and once about five years back. And I was thinking about it seriously again last week. Anyway, obviously I'm here to type this, so none of those attempts came off. I still think about it though, almost every day. I think the only three things stopping me at the moment are: 1) My life isn't in order. That didn't always bother me, but now it does. I don't want to leave an administrative nightmare behind. Quite ironic, as that mess is one of the things that contributes to my depression. 2) While, when I consider suicide, I don't really have a problem leaving behind my family and friends (although I would miss them), I do have a problem with leaving them in this particular way. It's likely some of them might blame themselves to some degree, especially my husband, my mother, and my best friend. I think my best friend and my husband would get over it in a year or so, but I'm not so sure about my mum. I've thought about ways to do it "accidentally", but I can't think of one that wouldn't also inflict damage on an innocent person. 3) I can't leave my cats. That may sound stupid, but I believe that when you take on a pet, you take it on for its lifetime, along with the responsibility to give it the best life you can for as long as it lives. If I ever did go ahead, I would make sure there were good homes in place for our cats, if my husband chose not to keep them. My husband would probably cope quite well with one of our cats (the middle one), as he's always been extremely chilled out (the middle cat I mean). The other two cats would need careful rehoming, as when I was hospitalized for five days a couple of years back (for a broken leg, nothing to do with depression), they both pined, and were apparently miserable. So anyway, those are the things stopping me. Plus, I suppose, the tiny thread of hope that I may be able to turn my life around during the next year. So, that's me. Or at least the part of me that pertains to this site. Anyone else been through anything similar?