Hi. I'm Vey lonely, hurting and intensely suicidal ...Need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alonelyheartmoo, Mar 5, 2013.

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  1. Hi all,

    Im Michael and Ive posted here once a long, long time ago. l came back here because I'm in so much emotional pain, extreme loneliness, rejection issues, family dysfunctionality, long term unemployment, living in a very lonely isolated place, struggling with out of control addictions to computer games and internet porn, and now recurring frightening suicidal thoughts. I guess i also wanted to connect with others who l can easily email to. l dont have a computer so l tend to go to internet shop or library to use one. But lm scared that l will act on my suicidal thoughts as they have been haunting my mind now for the last several weeks.

    But deep down, l have a long history of feeling depressed, lonely, empty and suicidal. The painful feelings have been increasing in recent months and years. lm getting sick of feeling this way so much that no matter how hard l try to get better in life, l seem to encounter major obstacles frequently that keeps me down for a very long time. And when ive gone through that painful rollercoaster for a long time, lm scared that it will continue and continue and continue, and now l say that its not worth the painful hassle of persisting with this chronic rollercoaster and l want to end that pain by leaving this painful planet. i want to but yet the small part of me is crying out for help which is why l came here.

    l attempted suicide in July 2012 and thought i done a good job, before l was surprised to wake up in hospital 2 days later. i was resentful and angry at the person that called the emergency service as l suffered the agony of being alive in pain a lot more than before. its a very long painful story. Then i thought about having another go at life agin. But l was yet fooled again.
    While doing so much journalling, l realised that one big missing "hole" in my heart has been the absence of LOVE. That feeling that l see in so many lighthearted movies was a missing jigsaw puzzle of my long painful life. l was certainly deprived of it growing up with my confusing parents and i was searching for LOVE but sadly in so many wrong places for a very long time. Those consequences of searching via addictions left me in more and more isolation, lost friends and hurt and suicidal. l even tried a higher power or a god as they say.
    l miss work so badly and miss being in a relationship and love to live in a quite place..But while all that is continually NOT happening then my suicidal thoughts will continue to intensify......And lm very scared of my near future, what is left of it. :moody:

    Im hurting so much and very lonely. Help.

    Michael from Down Under Australia
     
  2. Firespirit3

    Firespirit3 Member

    Sorry I am not very good at helping with these posts. I never know exactly what say. Part of the problem is that I haven't experienced a lot of things, but I can relate to one thing you say. You searching for love, because I am searching for belonging which is almost the same. I had, but then I lost it which sent me into a suicidal mood. I guess losing it makes life unbearable but what you feel when you have it is great. And I would do anything to have it back. So don't give up on that search. Please however you feel now don't give up on searching for that. It is worth it, no matter how long it takes. There is someone or something that will give you love and belonging. And living even with all the pain is worth it for the chance for love/belonging.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I hope reaching out here, possibly connecting with people and making some friends, will help ease some of the loneliness. :hug:
     
  4. Fel

    Fel Member

    Hey Michael.

    Sorry that you feel that way. I'm kinda going through the same thing myself, and I go through stages of having hope and them someone soon comes a long and shatters it.

    I might not be able to say much to help you, but I'm painfully lonely too and I'm here if you want to chat, you can always message or Skype me. You don't have to be alone and there are other kind people out there.

    Sounds like you need to somehow pick yourself up and start doing something about your intense isolation, I don't know how life is 'out there' but it would be helpful if you can create opportunities even if its drugs counselling? Or volunteering ? Just to meet people if nothing else.

    It might all just sound like I'm babbling a load of unhelpful rubbish I get that, but you seem like an intelligent person so it might be an idea to channel your love into helping others or something?

    Anyway apart from that you have my empathy and support of you want it.

    Fel
     
  5. DepletedOne

    DepletedOne Member

    We are all here because we recognize 'potential'. We know things aren't 'right' and will likely never be - at least not near ideal that is.

    But we also know that there is the potential for something better instead of just escaping it all. And that something better isn't just some little insignificant thing. Which is why we reach out, at least that's why I'm here.

    For me, it's one breath at a time and one step at a time. But when I look backwards, I see I've been traveling. And then I think of all of the things I would have missed if I didn't keep moving – and they're good things, too. It's worth the pain of the steps and breaths, even though I question my sanity sometimes.
     
  6. Thank you Firespirit3, Wildcherry, Fel, and DepletedOne for all your thoughts and encouragement. l also really got a sense that l'm not alone when read your messages. Im not good with persistently writing about my feelings particularly when lm in so much emotional pain and chronic isolation.. But l will try to email to some of you back that have requested me to. Thank you and appreciate it.

    Today l needed to come again as l feel i need to connect with others like me here. l missed you all. The other reason why l came back is that my Suicidal thoughts is becoming more of a possibility and l spent the whole HOT friday locked up in my unit watching Tv and playing Playstation game. It was so soul destroying and painfully lonely as l have NO freind in this new area l moved to. And the biggest anger and frustation that has triggered the intense Suicidal thoughts is that the bitch of a manager at my Disability Employment Agency is Not letting me go to another agency after l requested it to her Team leader. The Team Leader agreed that he would transfer me after being at their agency for ONE year and NOT one job interview set up for me. l'm angry that l feel 'used' and 'betrayed' by them. Long term unemployment is main trigger why l want to die very soon, as well as the other above issues.

    But lm worried that lm letting myself go to carefully planning my near future suicide and l painfully don't feel like l belong here on Earth.

    Enough said as lm still angry and depleted. Mike of Down Under:doh:
     
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