hi in pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by koo99, Jan 6, 2007.

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  1. koo99

    koo99 New Member

    hi everyone.
    i didn't know where to go or who to talk to. i don't know why it's so hard for me to dial the suicide hotline number.
    i've been emailing the samaritans and various online suicide help sites for the past several months. all urged me to seek counseling, and i did. 3 sessions, and i didn't go back. people are so scared of people in pain, and no one knew how to handle my pain. the psychologist stared blankly at me when i told her i was suicidal, and said i was just feeling down temporarily. when i didn't show up for the 4th appointment, she didn't even call or reschedule.

    i first attempted suicide when i was 17, 10 year ago. i overdosed, stayed in bed for 2 days, then walked myself to the ER. the doctor on call sat me down, and said life can be hard, but it is still worthwhile, and that i would look back one day and be thankful that i got to live and that i got to experience. i cried, returned home, and no one knows of the incident till this day.
    my next attempt was another OD last year. I just slept for 2 days, hallucinated that the walls were melting down and I was never going to die, then got up and went to work.
    Then this past May. I'd been slicing my wrist with a kitchen knife whenever my boyfriend left me or hurt me - he noticed the marks one day and got really mad at me, and I promised not to do it again. then one day, he abandoned me and refused to talk to me for over a week. i drank every night just to pass out and not feel the pain, and at the end of the week, i drank three bottles of wine then hung myself with the cable cord.
    i just fell and passed out. my boyfriend came by, broke in, and took me to the ER. they discharged me with intoxication, and with a huge hopistal bill.

    then the peace seemed to have returned. my boyfriend and i got along, he promised to listen better, and to be around when i needed him. it wasn't that i needed him 24/7, the gesture mattered, and the feeling of being understood mattered, and everything was okay for me. i was glad i didn't die, but i also carried a deep fear that he might leave me again, and leave me to commit suicide again. i even went into counseling, and the social worker i worked with was a really nice woman, but i couldn't afford her anymore and quit after 3 months.

    i have been with him for 2 years now, and all we have gone through together and the times he stuck by me and i stuck by him were solidifying.

    he left me again a couple months ago. he just disappeared.
    i drifted in and out of pain for 2 months, then found out i was pregnant in early december.
    i've been crying every night.
    i finally waited for him in front of his house for 5 hours and asked him why he was avoiding me.
    he said that he just simply fell out of love with me.
    he didn't want to be with me anymore,
    he wished i were out of his life.
    i told him about the pregnancy,
    he told me to have an abortion.

    i cannot think of anything but death;
    i have no one to talk to, and no where to go.
    i wish i could talk to the now ex-boyfriend just to get out of this terrible pain but he won't pick up the phone.
    i just keep thinking how i would end this misery and pain, and the answer is death.

    death isn't easy, as some of you might know.
    i don't know how anyone dies with sleeping pills, as it just won't do the trick. hanging didn't kill me. i'm terrified of jumping in front of cars and hurting innocent others, or scaring my roommate or others who have nothing to do with my suicide.
    so i just sit in pain,
    hoping and praying that it will end,
    and constantly browsing the internet to see if there's a method out there for me to try.

    there have been times in my life when i felt that i hit rock bottom and death was the only way out, then i try to move on, for the sake of my parents, but inevitably, i find myself at rock bottom again, paralyzed, unable to collect myself.

    love does not last;
    and i'm not trying to be cynical here because my love never dies.
    i'm always left loving and hanging by myself,
    and i just really can't do it one more time, i have been through too much to blindly think that there are better things in front of me.

    nothing lasts, and the instability and the fragility kills me,
    it hurts too bad to know that nothing lasts.
  2. amicus

    amicus Antiquitie's Friend

    Hi Koo,
    I know what you are going through. My last suicide attempt was age 27 over my boyfriend leaving me. No one is worth dying over. Please pm if you need to talk. Hope your ok. Maybe I can help.
  3. AliveAndAwake

    AliveAndAwake Active Member

    Life maybe painful at times, but maybe it's still worthwhile to live on and see what happens in the future. Maybe something will happen, and you'll thank yourself for staying alive. Who knows.
  4. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    I'm not going to lie. I don't know the exact pain you're going through. I've never had a guy I love leave me, but I've never had a boyfriend either. I did have a guy I loved die, but I didn't know him when it happened.

    You said you were having a baby. This baby might make life worth living for you. Don't hurt yourself again until the baby is born and see if this baby pulls you out of your depression and makes you happy. I heard it works for some people because it gives them something to look foward to and live for.
    But then there are some people who are totally happy until the baby is born. If postpartum depression kicks in after the baby is born and you realise you don't want it, then give it up for adoption.

    All I'm saying is I don't think you should have the abortion. Go the 9 months without hurting yourself or the baby, give birth to a healthy baby boy or girl and see if it is the answer you're looking for. If not you could always give it up for adoption.

    Good Luck! :smile:
  5. sorry_mozart

    sorry_mozart Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I hope you can get through it. Because as bad as things seem right now, they will get better again. I hope that you can find somebody to help you - please do call that suicide hotline, I know how hard that can be but really there's nothing to be afraid of, and you deserve help, advice and treatment just as much as anybody else. The thing is, only you know how much you need it, so you can't rely on anybody else to get it for you, so you have to stand up and fight for it yourself. But it's your life - your only life - and it's worth fighting for. Please try.

    Wishing you the best of luck.
    S x
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