Hi everybody. i'd like to say that i'm at my wits end with dealing with myself and whatever it is that goes through my head. but i've felt that way for years now. Rarely a day goes by when i don't think about <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> of the grocery store (seriously, why do i have so many panic attacks in the grocery store) and chugging it. My biggest fear with that is surviving it. Waking up in a hospital with a rather destroyed digestive system and living a live of whatever that entails. i assume it's a feeding tube of some sort, suicide watch, counseling that i don't want, and my already judgmental family constantly making sure i know what a burden i've become to them.
<Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>
i even have a notebook full of notes to everyone after my passing, hidden to be found when someone has to clean up after me
i update it from time to time
It was originally supposed to be an exercise for relieving stress
Like writing angry letters to people and not mailing them
But i hold onto it, to be found, just incase the moment strikes me
A few months ago, i was about to do it. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>
It was a Sunday, i wanted to get a weekend in before i left
But my girlfriend at the time just broke up with me hours before i was going to do it
She's a nice person and i didn't and still do not fell any spite towards her
Just didn't want to leave her with the guilt of blaming herself
So i just kinda cowboy-ed up and kept going
And here i am, still feeling like i'm just viewing my life in third person
Like some perverse movie made to torture an unlucky soul
Waiting for the end and trying to help it along
And i see people, which makes me hate people
i watch, disgusted by their blatant ignorance of the world around them
Being asinine to one another, not to get ahead at another's expense. But just for the sake of being dick-ish
i do not like being part of this world, or even sharing a species with these degenerates we call humans
i drink, a lot. As some sort of escapism. And things start to get weird if i think straight for too long
So hi, everybody. It's me
<Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>
i even have a notebook full of notes to everyone after my passing, hidden to be found when someone has to clean up after me
i update it from time to time
It was originally supposed to be an exercise for relieving stress
Like writing angry letters to people and not mailing them
But i hold onto it, to be found, just incase the moment strikes me
A few months ago, i was about to do it. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>
It was a Sunday, i wanted to get a weekend in before i left
But my girlfriend at the time just broke up with me hours before i was going to do it
She's a nice person and i didn't and still do not fell any spite towards her
Just didn't want to leave her with the guilt of blaming herself
So i just kinda cowboy-ed up and kept going
And here i am, still feeling like i'm just viewing my life in third person
Like some perverse movie made to torture an unlucky soul
Waiting for the end and trying to help it along
And i see people, which makes me hate people
i watch, disgusted by their blatant ignorance of the world around them
Being asinine to one another, not to get ahead at another's expense. But just for the sake of being dick-ish
i do not like being part of this world, or even sharing a species with these degenerates we call humans
i drink, a lot. As some sort of escapism. And things start to get weird if i think straight for too long
So hi, everybody. It's me
:hug: