Hi, don't know what I'm writing for...got no expectations...joined because I was low. .and reading the posts helped..suppose helps with the format...so I'm male,from the UK, soon to be 47, self employed, but struggling to the point of desperation...Make furniture..its hard..but it's virtually my life..it's desperate and stressful mostly,but it's pretty much all I love,there's no significant other, been alone most of my life, kicks the crap out of me a lot. .although as a lot of my married friends like to remind me how lucky I am to be alone...which doesn't help...no children...got family..but we were never close...suppose as it goes on...just withdrew away from everyone..don't know if it was that I just couldn't be around happy people anymore...or celebrate anything..no birthdays, Christmas or new years...Over time slowly destroyed all the photos of me that I could find..In a futile attempt to destroy any evidence that I'd ever existed. .I've friends...and they do their best...but they don't understand. ..how tiring it is..just fighting to keep existing. .I don't even want to mention the "s" word..like anybody wants to do it...think about it loads..tried a long time ago...and it's scary..".cowards way out" or so they say..obviously they've never looked it in the face...to be honest, I hurt..have done for so long...so many stories on here...so many of you don't realise how brave you are, how caring you are...read your stories..your tribulations. ..They make mine seem so trivial...but I don,t care...I hurt..pathetic as failure, loneliness,isolation, money worries, inferiority complexes, negative self image, neglect, frustration, social anxiety, introversion and shyness are!...Whilst compounded with my shaky belief in a supernatural imaginary friend(apparently) ..who people assure me ...that he loves me. ..This really doesn't feel like love or benevolence...who actually scares the living shit out of me.....so .reading back...doesn't actually look that trivial...anyway don't know that I'm looking for advice. .Please before anyone suggests meds ..did try...could actually feel my brain buzzing...freaked the shit out of me...but anyway. .well done all of you...your surviving this shit...and then some...hats off to you!!..feeling crap...but better than when I first started to write...anyway,too scared for the big adios...so guess I'm stuck here...but shall still find some solace...In the idea of a meteor landing on my head...or going to sleep and never waking up...but anyway thanks for reading...just wanted to say "this is who I am" ..."This is how I feel"..and to be allowed...heard a lot about depression...maybe it's the case...but have noticed..when people open up...its not really depression getting to them...its crap lives, painful relationships,illness, abuse, neglect, fear, and generally moments of extreme anxiety and trepidation. ..to break up the monotony of and endless slog to get nowhere,but upto the neck in the shit as per usual (excuse my french)....think I'd better go now, as the tone seems to be descending, and want to get off my soap box...but thanks it has helped...A bit. .take care. .. from. ..me!