Hi! (life story inside, mostly boring stuff though)

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by dec.net, Aug 8, 2011.

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  1. dec.net

    dec.net Member

    Hi everyone,
    I've just joined another suicide forum again, yay! ;) Why another one? Well, let's start at the beginning. I've been having suicidal thoughts for about, umm, about two thirds of my life. Since I was 12, maybe; I'm 27 right now. So if that makes me seem a rather inconsequent person, you're probably right. But as these things go, sometimes you're up and think you can at least ignore the less-than-great things in your life by concentrating on work and similar distractions, sometimes you don't. I've actually had three phases in which I was feeling and acting rather acutely suicidal: First of all, right around the time I graduated from school, as I had pretty much no idea what to do afterwards and found myself to be pretty much the most despicable person on the planet; then after I started studying Mechanical Engineering, which I didn't complete for some bureaucratic reasons, I fell back into a black hole of being disappointed and feeling utterly use- and worthless about myself. And then again, the third episode is my present situation, after changing my course of study and the city, the University, circle of friends and pretty much everything else in my life, telling me that I can't simply run away from my problems by starting something new.
    Through the former two episodes, I've been supported by a small army of professional psychologists of any variant - psychoanalysts, behavioral therapists, psychiatrists and even a hypnotherapist, and I have enjoyed (seriously, it was great fun!) a stationary hospital visits for 10 weeks. I got diagnosed with bipolar depression, borderline personality disorder, adult ADD and probably I could have gone for chronic depression if I had asked for it nicely. The one thing I always found with each and every one of these therapies was that after the first few months of positive impact, things went back to normal, even though I continued taking the medication like clockwork, went to my sessions, did the "homework" and so on. So I'm not too keen on the professional side of psychology anymore, it seems like I've become mostly therapy-resistant by now. On the other hand, you may have guessed it, I've been consulting supportive forums and chatrooms.
    The forums I've consulted previously were rather helpful in providing me with social contacts. Even so helpful that I found the first and only GF of my life on one of these. Since this in the end didn't work out so great, I've ever since avoided the places that I know she is still hanging around (providing helpful support to others as usual), and since I was fine for a while, or at least thought I was, I stopped visiting my psychologist as well for the last four years or so. But now, over those years, my situation became pretty similar to those previous episodes again - so here I am, introducing myself to a suicidal forum once again.
    Nevertheless, there is a bit of a difference. I've grown up a bit, one would imagine, and indeed - my feelings of self-loathing aren't as acute as they were before, and indeed I wouldn't say they are bothering me too much anymore. There isn't too much wrong with me as a person, in terms of my abilites, character flaws and so on. I'm rather average in that regard, realistically. Instead, I just got bored with the tiny problems of life, and my inability to make lasting decisions about anything. Well, you could count that as a character flaw. So maybe there still is a little bit of self-loathing left.
    But anyways, I digress again. What do I want to achieve in this forum? The rational part of me says that I'm not looking for mood-improvements, such as meeting interesting people or getting new friends or helping other people cope with their problems. These things, while obviously nice and positive in general, don't help me solve my problems. As you may have noticed already from my writing, I'm the sort of person who easily gets distracted and does all sorts of things but the one he set out to do initially. So what I really want to achieve on here, hopefully through discussion with others who are or have been in a similar situation, is to make a decision, either for living my life without constantly thinking about killing myself whenever I come across some stones on the road, or for actually ending my life in a way that is least hurtful to the people who know and love me - which to me means ending it in a way that looks like an accident even on closer inspection.

    So, long introduction, nevertheless I hope to hear from you guys!

  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hey Chris!!

    Welcome to SF! :hiya:

    Best regards,


    P.S. I hope this forum is helpful to you, and I look forward to hearing from you too! ;) If not, I wish you the best of luck at University and with everything else (including finding another GF ;))! :hugtackles:
  3. dec.net

    dec.net Member

    Hi Alex, thanks for the warm welcome and the good wishes... except I'll have to say I'm not really looking for a GF at the moment - I guess right now this would be just another distraction, and to be honest I'm a bit worried that a relationship would just open up a whole series of problems I don't know how to handle. Also, I'm from Germany and I suppose most users in this forum are actually living in the english-speaking part of the world - so meeting each other would prove fairly challenging anyway :).

  4. Pécheur

    Pécheur Account Closed

    Hey Chris and welcome.

    After everything you haven't lost your humorous streak! I - like you, change my situation around if something doesn't quite work out but end up taking too much on because I can't quite let go of the previous situation.

    I'd just like to say I'm glad you have the right people in your life and you have managed to reach a diagnosis or 's hehe.

    I think you're very honest in what's going on for you and respect why you have joined 'yet another suicide forum'.

    I hope you can continue to move forward with your life and find peace and contentment with yourself.

    Peach. :hug:
  5. dec.net

    dec.net Member

    Hi Peach, thanks for your welcome and the good wishes as well! Your description of changing the situation but taking on too much because one can't let go of the previous situation matches my experiences rather well. It's always like I want to restart on a "blank sheet of paper", and in the beginning everything works out fine, but then some things about myself that I thought I had long overcome start to haunt me once again. For me, life is feeling much as if I was trying to shape some elastic material - I push it in one direction, and it works out just like I want it to, but once I start working on some other spot, the damn thing expands back into it's original shape, leaving only a tiny indentation (if any) to remind me of that big work I had put into it. I've been trying to stop chewing my fingernails for the last 20 years, for crying out loud, and I have "succeeded" about a dozen times, often lasting for months or even a year. The only thing I thought to have had success with so far was complete abstinence from alcohol and other drugs, which actually means only weed, and the occasional attempt to try out some semi-legal herbal stuff like salvia divinorum or kratom, usually with no enjoyable result whatsoever. Well, with this I had succeeded for about 3 years, until yesterday when I thought "fuck it all" and had a glass of whisky. Only one glass though (meaning 1 finger's width, not an entire glass ;) ), I didn't even get drunk though I would probably notice the effect of a single beer after not drinking for years, but still, I keep falling back into my old patterns so predictably it's not even funny anymore. Right now I'm staying at my father's to repair and sell my old car for about a week, and what do I do - I argue with him about all sorts of stuff that isn't important, feeling all annoyed and aggressive about everything he asks me, even when it's just something reasonable like "when will you return from the shop, I need the car as well later on..?" eating so much food that I gained 5 kgs in about a week (had a weight problem for most of my life and lost about 20kg in the course of a year), and drinking alcohol again. It's like I've turned 16 all over again, and for me that age wasn't "sweet" in any way, shape or form. ;)

    So, as you can imagine, I get a bit annoyed with myself and my lack of progress in life, so your good wish for moving forward is appreciated :)

  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    You're spot-on with that observation! I've met a few people from Germany here, though. It's possible! :D

    I've had problems with being irritable when I'm down, as well; usually, it only happens with my parents, and they know me well enough to know when I'm tired, down, and just want to rest (no talking wanted).
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi just want to welcome to SF hugs
  8. dec.net

    dec.net Member

    Hi Total Eclipse, thanks for your welcome as well!

    Alex, guess you're right about that, it's never impossible :). I mean, a flight to the british islands costs like €100 with the cheap airlines, so it's not impossible at all (in fact I've been flying to Glasgow three times by now to visit a friend I met during the stationary hospital visit - as I said, I had a great time there, met lots of interesting people), and I have been planning to visit the US again for quite some time as well - nevertheless, as in regards of finding a girlfriend, right now I'm considering myself to be basically asexual for simplicity's sake. Makes it a lot easier for me to deal with people, since I can somewhat stop the train of self-conscious thought "will she find it repulsive if I act or speak in this way or another?"

    Also, I seem to be one of those people who get distracted easily, even from being in love - I tend to forget about all sorts of people all the time, even my sister, who is probably the person in the world that I love the most, she's really a wonderful human being all over - and weeks go by without me thinking about what she or my parents or friends or anybody I haven't seen in a while are doing; I actively have to remind me to call them if I don't have any pressing business that just makes me remember they actually exist. It was exactly the same when I was in a relationship with that girl, I was always enjoying it very much to speak to her, but once I was doing something else I didn't think about her - obviously I can't know for certain, but I'm pretty sure that is not the way normal people operate when they are in love or even just dating around, is it? In any way I guess this is a rather bad condition for starting any relationship, especially long distance.

    About the roles one assumes when returning to his or her parent's house, I'd really love to know how one gets to stop feeling/acting in that way. My current pathetic strategy just consists of avoiding the visits unless it's utterly inevitable (Christmas and a few birthdays, so basically like 10 days a year if I haven't got a car to repair and sell ;) ).

    My father by the way is very similar to me in this regard, both in his way of acting in a relationship (leading to my parents splitting up without much drama as soon as my sister and I were at University) and in his inability to escape the old role of caring about me and my sister from a position of superior distance - which of course makes me absolutely furious, when I'm trying to talk about anything more emotionally significant than the weather report, since usually it's me who needs to assume the position of superior distance when it comes to talking about emotions, and I just can't when he's already using up all the space there. :)

  9. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    Hi Chris its nice to meet you. Don't worry you'll find a girlfriend she's out there. I hope you find the help that you need.
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