Hi everyone,
I've just joined another suicide forum again, yay! Why another one? Well, let's start at the beginning. I've been having suicidal thoughts for about, umm, about two thirds of my life. Since I was 12, maybe; I'm 27 right now. So if that makes me seem a rather inconsequent person, you're probably right. But as these things go, sometimes you're up and think you can at least ignore the less-than-great things in your life by concentrating on work and similar distractions, sometimes you don't. I've actually had three phases in which I was feeling and acting rather acutely suicidal: First of all, right around the time I graduated from school, as I had pretty much no idea what to do afterwards and found myself to be pretty much the most despicable person on the planet; then after I started studying Mechanical Engineering, which I didn't complete for some bureaucratic reasons, I fell back into a black hole of being disappointed and feeling utterly use- and worthless about myself. And then again, the third episode is my present situation, after changing my course of study and the city, the University, circle of friends and pretty much everything else in my life, telling me that I can't simply run away from my problems by starting something new.
Through the former two episodes, I've been supported by a small army of professional psychologists of any variant - psychoanalysts, behavioral therapists, psychiatrists and even a hypnotherapist, and I have enjoyed (seriously, it was great fun!) a stationary hospital visits for 10 weeks. I got diagnosed with bipolar depression, borderline personality disorder, adult ADD and probably I could have gone for chronic depression if I had asked for it nicely. The one thing I always found with each and every one of these therapies was that after the first few months of positive impact, things went back to normal, even though I continued taking the medication like clockwork, went to my sessions, did the "homework" and so on. So I'm not too keen on the professional side of psychology anymore, it seems like I've become mostly therapy-resistant by now. On the other hand, you may have guessed it, I've been consulting supportive forums and chatrooms.
The forums I've consulted previously were rather helpful in providing me with social contacts. Even so helpful that I found the first and only GF of my life on one of these. Since this in the end didn't work out so great, I've ever since avoided the places that I know she is still hanging around (providing helpful support to others as usual), and since I was fine for a while, or at least thought I was, I stopped visiting my psychologist as well for the last four years or so. But now, over those years, my situation became pretty similar to those previous episodes again - so here I am, introducing myself to a suicidal forum once again.
Nevertheless, there is a bit of a difference. I've grown up a bit, one would imagine, and indeed - my feelings of self-loathing aren't as acute as they were before, and indeed I wouldn't say they are bothering me too much anymore. There isn't too much wrong with me as a person, in terms of my abilites, character flaws and so on. I'm rather average in that regard, realistically. Instead, I just got bored with the tiny problems of life, and my inability to make lasting decisions about anything. Well, you could count that as a character flaw. So maybe there still is a little bit of self-loathing left.
But anyways, I digress again. What do I want to achieve in this forum? The rational part of me says that I'm not looking for mood-improvements, such as meeting interesting people or getting new friends or helping other people cope with their problems. These things, while obviously nice and positive in general, don't help me solve my problems. As you may have noticed already from my writing, I'm the sort of person who easily gets distracted and does all sorts of things but the one he set out to do initially. So what I really want to achieve on here, hopefully through discussion with others who are or have been in a similar situation, is to make a decision, either for living my life without constantly thinking about killing myself whenever I come across some stones on the road, or for actually ending my life in a way that is least hurtful to the people who know and love me - which to me means ending it in a way that looks like an accident even on closer inspection.
So, long introduction, nevertheless I hope to hear from you guys!
Chris
I've just joined another suicide forum again, yay! Why another one? Well, let's start at the beginning. I've been having suicidal thoughts for about, umm, about two thirds of my life. Since I was 12, maybe; I'm 27 right now. So if that makes me seem a rather inconsequent person, you're probably right. But as these things go, sometimes you're up and think you can at least ignore the less-than-great things in your life by concentrating on work and similar distractions, sometimes you don't. I've actually had three phases in which I was feeling and acting rather acutely suicidal: First of all, right around the time I graduated from school, as I had pretty much no idea what to do afterwards and found myself to be pretty much the most despicable person on the planet; then after I started studying Mechanical Engineering, which I didn't complete for some bureaucratic reasons, I fell back into a black hole of being disappointed and feeling utterly use- and worthless about myself. And then again, the third episode is my present situation, after changing my course of study and the city, the University, circle of friends and pretty much everything else in my life, telling me that I can't simply run away from my problems by starting something new.
Through the former two episodes, I've been supported by a small army of professional psychologists of any variant - psychoanalysts, behavioral therapists, psychiatrists and even a hypnotherapist, and I have enjoyed (seriously, it was great fun!) a stationary hospital visits for 10 weeks. I got diagnosed with bipolar depression, borderline personality disorder, adult ADD and probably I could have gone for chronic depression if I had asked for it nicely. The one thing I always found with each and every one of these therapies was that after the first few months of positive impact, things went back to normal, even though I continued taking the medication like clockwork, went to my sessions, did the "homework" and so on. So I'm not too keen on the professional side of psychology anymore, it seems like I've become mostly therapy-resistant by now. On the other hand, you may have guessed it, I've been consulting supportive forums and chatrooms.
The forums I've consulted previously were rather helpful in providing me with social contacts. Even so helpful that I found the first and only GF of my life on one of these. Since this in the end didn't work out so great, I've ever since avoided the places that I know she is still hanging around (providing helpful support to others as usual), and since I was fine for a while, or at least thought I was, I stopped visiting my psychologist as well for the last four years or so. But now, over those years, my situation became pretty similar to those previous episodes again - so here I am, introducing myself to a suicidal forum once again.
Nevertheless, there is a bit of a difference. I've grown up a bit, one would imagine, and indeed - my feelings of self-loathing aren't as acute as they were before, and indeed I wouldn't say they are bothering me too much anymore. There isn't too much wrong with me as a person, in terms of my abilites, character flaws and so on. I'm rather average in that regard, realistically. Instead, I just got bored with the tiny problems of life, and my inability to make lasting decisions about anything. Well, you could count that as a character flaw. So maybe there still is a little bit of self-loathing left.
But anyways, I digress again. What do I want to achieve in this forum? The rational part of me says that I'm not looking for mood-improvements, such as meeting interesting people or getting new friends or helping other people cope with their problems. These things, while obviously nice and positive in general, don't help me solve my problems. As you may have noticed already from my writing, I'm the sort of person who easily gets distracted and does all sorts of things but the one he set out to do initially. So what I really want to achieve on here, hopefully through discussion with others who are or have been in a similar situation, is to make a decision, either for living my life without constantly thinking about killing myself whenever I come across some stones on the road, or for actually ending my life in a way that is least hurtful to the people who know and love me - which to me means ending it in a way that looks like an accident even on closer inspection.
So, long introduction, nevertheless I hope to hear from you guys!
Chris