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Hi lovely people

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Goldfish, Aug 24, 2009.

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  1. Goldfish

    Goldfish Member

    Is this the worst year or what?

    I’m 27, I lost my job in the recession, which was a brilliant job helping people which made me feel good. Then my boyfriend kicked me out of our flat and I had nowhere to go and had to move my beloved cats with me.

    Then one of my cats went missing and died which has been the worst pain for me (like my best friend dying) and I feel like it was my fault. I miss my cat every day I cry.

    Then I got back to together with my boyfriend but it was a terrible emotional train wreck for us both. He had no interest in saving the relationship and I felt abandoned and rejected.

    I tried everything to make it work; I always kept my looks as best as I could, our relationship was based on laughing and fun and games so I kept that up even though he would say/do thing to make me cry each day.

    I kept the house pretty and I was careful to take responsibility for my actions and feelings and not make him feel blamed - whilst expressing my feelings and keeping communication open and meaningful.

    He refused for me to spend time with his friends or family, and mine lived so far away (and I’m not close to my family even though I try) I spent so much time alone in our flat applying for work and missing my cat, literally day and night, while he was always out.
    I really needed a shoulder to cry on, a bit of fuss. His family didn’t like me at all, they were very rich and seemed embarrassed by my liberal attitude and previous line of work.

    Through all this finding work has been so difficult and I had interviews but no offers. I pasted my positive face on for the world but have been dying inside.

    My partner dumped me for real this time and has moved another woman into the flat 2 weeks later. I haven’t even been able to go back to get my stuff yet. I’m just living on people’s couches and have a bag of clothes in my car boot.

    I have a job starting in London in September, its taken all year to get it. but I have run out of steam. Plus they keep delaying my start date I wonder if they don’t want me. Or even if I dreamed the whole job up and am actually just crackers.

    I went to see some places to live in London but wasn’t chosen to live in any of them. I feel like such a reject. The thing is I know I’m a nice person, fun and socially intelligent etc so don’t know why I keep getting knocked down.

    The idea of living in some room in a house with strangers in a new city makes me so overwhelmed I can’t cope.

    The only thing that keeps me calm is the idea that I can end it all at any point. I have a nice peaceful plan as to how I would do it.

    The thing is I never wanted this (who does?!) I want a home, my garden, pets, trusting and meaningful relationship, smiling and laughing, adventures and travel. I feel so far from achieving these things and don’t have the energy to strive for it anymore. I feel so alone, but have to keep smiling because the few people I have are sick of my shit.

    Do I sound ungrateful? I know this doesn’t sound that bad, and people here have far,far worse turmoil.

    How do I find the energy to make my life happen? How do you do it?
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    The thing is I know I’m a nice person, fun and socially intelligent

    hold onto this.You are half way there already because you KNOW you deserve to be happy and can be IF you can persevere.Easier said than done but the first step is believing in yourself.It is the VERY first step.You can't move forward until you do.

    I want a home, my garden, pets, trusting and meaningful relationship, smiling and laughing, adventures and travel.

    This is your goal.You already know you are a good person with the right stuff to achieve this..now all you have to do is face the music.Making compromises like having roommates,perservering with work,and making your dream a reality ,one step at a time.Some things can not be forced..like meaningful relationships..my experience is they would happen on their own if you cover all the other bases first..like trust..belief in yourself,willingness to struggle a little along the way,and the ability to bounce back,a lot of smart choices and responsibility.Like I said you are already half way there...I hope you can get into therapy because you deserve to get some guidance and support while you go through all this.

    especially since you are entertaining the idea of ending it all ...you don't have to live with feeling that way.If you are very suicidal go to a hospital..tell them ...maybe that will get the ball rolling to get you into therapy which you need right away.Your future depends on you believing in yourself...and doing what you have to to survive.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Wow you do not sound ungrateful in the least. You are dealing with major, major stress like a champ!

    I am so sorry that life is throwing so much your way right now but please know we are here for you and you are welcome to PM me or even IM me anytime that you like!

    I really like what ashes had to say, she is the greatest and saved my life so you got her in your corner!

    Well you take care of yourself and if that job backs out on you get a plane ticket to the States and stay in my extra room and bring the cat too! I have an extra room that I lend out free of charge to those needing breaks so you are welcome to it....I am a great cook and there are horses on property to play with so it is truly a haven I happily share!

    Hope to get to know you better as you seem so very kind.

    Hugs Bambi
  4. Goldfish

    Goldfish Member

    Ashes Away that made me have a little cry. At first the idea of writing in a suicide forum is daunting- like this is what its come to. but actually the nicest people are here with wonderful things to say to eachother. I wish the real world was as caring.

    I will try to take your advice. I had therapy for 18 months but it ended a few months ago. 18 months is a long time to get free therapy in the UK and i was on the waiting list for like a year.
    I might write to my doctor, i know if i go face to face i will do my usual thing of pretending to be stronger than i am to make them feel ok.

    Thank you
  5. Goldfish

    Goldfish Member

    Wow Bambi, that is so kind i have a lump in my throat. I'm glad to now be in the company of people like you

  6. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    until you get back into therapy..and even after..you can feel less alone here.
    I know it will be easier to want than to do..and I would be a hypocrite if I said I take my own advice..lol..but whats true is true..and goes for all of us...hope you feel free to lean on us here anytime....:smile:
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hi ya Goldfish. Was thinking your user name is so opposite of your situation. A goldfish in a tiny bowl. All your needs and wants met everyday and you live in your own little world. And goldfish are reported to only have a memory span of 3 seconds (lol). Well nothing there sounds anything like you or your life hun.
    Please be proud of yourself. Go back and read your post. You are facing so many obstacles and stresses and yet you still move on. You are making the best of the situation. You are surviving. I know how it feels to have not a drop of energy left and yet things keep getting thrown on your plate. More and more everyday. But hun you are making it through each day.
    So you have found SF. You are finally somewhere that you can take a breather. You can rant, vent, cry, laugh, whatever your heart feels at the moment. And no one here will judge you. The members understand your pain and problems. And hun no one's problems are greater or smaller than another. They are yours so that makes them real and important. You arent alone anymore. So please let it out and let others help.
    Yes knowing you can do it at anytime is reassuring and comforting. But maybe you'll find the support and care here that can comfort you in a whole new way and you'll be able to move forward. Drop me a pm anytime hun.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Im glad you found us YOu sound so strong dealing with everything thrown at you. I know how hard it is to loose a pet im sorry your suffering. I hope your job starts soon and when then income starts coming in things will change. Writing a note to your doctor is great idea that way not afraid to tell what truly is going on and as for your ex well you deserve someone that loves you and can accept you for just that yourself no pretence You will find alot of caring people here so please feel free to post as much as you want and not be afraid as lot of support here.
  9. Goldfish

    Goldfish Member

    Thank you, thank you!

    Itmahanh I never thought of my username that way, but you are right- maybe I will focus on becoming a happy golden fish in a nice safe world, with all i need - plants and bubbles and gross fish flakes to eat haha. Thank you for your positive words.

    And thanks violet, I hope i can find someone who accepts me for me unlike my ex. It really amazes me how you can get so close to someone in a relationship, but then they can willing cause someone they once loved so much pain. it really does amaze me.
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