Is this the worst year or what? I’m 27, I lost my job in the recession, which was a brilliant job helping people which made me feel good. Then my boyfriend kicked me out of our flat and I had nowhere to go and had to move my beloved cats with me. Then one of my cats went missing and died which has been the worst pain for me (like my best friend dying) and I feel like it was my fault. I miss my cat every day I cry. Then I got back to together with my boyfriend but it was a terrible emotional train wreck for us both. He had no interest in saving the relationship and I felt abandoned and rejected. I tried everything to make it work; I always kept my looks as best as I could, our relationship was based on laughing and fun and games so I kept that up even though he would say/do thing to make me cry each day. I kept the house pretty and I was careful to take responsibility for my actions and feelings and not make him feel blamed - whilst expressing my feelings and keeping communication open and meaningful. He refused for me to spend time with his friends or family, and mine lived so far away (and I’m not close to my family even though I try) I spent so much time alone in our flat applying for work and missing my cat, literally day and night, while he was always out. I really needed a shoulder to cry on, a bit of fuss. His family didn’t like me at all, they were very rich and seemed embarrassed by my liberal attitude and previous line of work. Through all this finding work has been so difficult and I had interviews but no offers. I pasted my positive face on for the world but have been dying inside. My partner dumped me for real this time and has moved another woman into the flat 2 weeks later. I haven’t even been able to go back to get my stuff yet. I’m just living on people’s couches and have a bag of clothes in my car boot. I have a job starting in London in September, its taken all year to get it. but I have run out of steam. Plus they keep delaying my start date I wonder if they don’t want me. Or even if I dreamed the whole job up and am actually just crackers. I went to see some places to live in London but wasn’t chosen to live in any of them. I feel like such a reject. The thing is I know I’m a nice person, fun and socially intelligent etc so don’t know why I keep getting knocked down. The idea of living in some room in a house with strangers in a new city makes me so overwhelmed I can’t cope. The only thing that keeps me calm is the idea that I can end it all at any point. I have a nice peaceful plan as to how I would do it. The thing is I never wanted this (who does?!) I want a home, my garden, pets, trusting and meaningful relationship, smiling and laughing, adventures and travel. I feel so far from achieving these things and don’t have the energy to strive for it anymore. I feel so alone, but have to keep smiling because the few people I have are sick of my shit. Do I sound ungrateful? I know this doesn’t sound that bad, and people here have far,far worse turmoil. How do I find the energy to make my life happen? How do you do it?