Hi, my first day

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by tryingtostayafloat, Oct 13, 2011.

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  1. I am the spouse of someone (Paul) who tried to commit suicide. I called the police in Canada and they contacted the Ohio police and located him and brought him to safety. He is still has been in hospital for over a week. I have told him I love him and will support him. But, I am having problems on my own and don't have anyone to talk to and don't want to burden him. Our marital problems have been ongoing for 13 years. He doesn't talk to me and now I discovered that he hides himself in a room and drinks. His work threatened to fire him. He remembers the abuse in his family and it is all coming up now. He has told everyone that I am not to blame. When I called his family to tell them what was happening, they said "it is all your fault". When I looked to my friends and told them that I would make sure that Paul was safe but that I couldn't handle being with him right now until he gets some help, they stopped talking to me. My brother has called me a bitch. When Paul was thinking of killing himself, he called his friend to say good-bye and say that he loved him. He didn't call me. Neither when he tried this a few months ago. I feel very very selfish. But, I am confused. I am trying to keep the house going, dealing with his employers, going to work, fought with the insurance company to get coverage, and I am doing this all alone. I have no person that I can lean on. I am protecting my mother. When Paul is released, I have offered to move out of the house because I want him to know that this is not a property thing. I am not fighting for possessions. He has the ultimate in care: his family, his friends, the doctors. I want him to get the best, but in the meantime I am angry at being blamed and judged and criticized and being expected to be strong and never say anything about what I need. What I need is my husband to rely on himself and live up to his responsibilities without my having to mother him. I cannot do it anymore. It has been 13 years of my babysitting him making sure that he gets his work done on time. He has a good job and has been shirking his duties (not his fault, but because of fear of failure) for years. I cannot carry the load anymore.
    The big question: when he is released from the hospital, am I selfish to ask that we live apart? His family will judge very quickly and sadly, so will my friends.. any thoughts? Thanks
     
  2. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    When my husband and I split up for a while his sister verbally attacked me, publicly. I think it is a normal response, to place blame, and blame is easiest placed on the spouce, "the outsider" of the family.
    I am very sorry for all that you are going through, and I know this is of no help to you, but you kinda have to suck it up for a while, ignore it. No one wants to look at themselves as being part of the problem, so everyone is looking for someone else to be the whole of it, unfortunately as his wife, that someone is you.
    You know the truth, you know you have taken care of him, you know you have been the grown up in the relationship and that you have done all you could for him, now it's time to take care of you. Do all you can for yourself. You can still be supportive and be there for him, even if living apart. But you can't be expected to neglect yourself.

    If you ever need to vent and let it out, feel free to PM me :)
     
  3. Thank-you, when I read your words I feel some tears. It's true, I have tried to help him and be the grown up, and no one has said that to me. And I can continue doing so, but I guess I just need someone in my life like my friends or his family to say: "look, we know all that you have done. thank-you. we are here for you as well as Paul". If I wasn't battling just for my existence, maybe I would have more energy to help Paul. You are right. Everyone does blame others. But, I don't understand this. I know what I would do if I were in their place. I would not take my personal issues out on the spouse at this time. I just couldn't do it. And I guess it hurts even more because I try so hard not to hurt other people. They all think I am so strong, but I do my crying alone.
    thanks for replying.
     
  4. Btw, some dear reader tried to respond by way of private message, but I can't open it, so please just post publicly. Thank-you
     
  5. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I know it makes no since, it's just a defense mechanism. Talking to them wont help either, but you should stand up for yourself.
    The fact is, no matter how close the family is they do not know the details of the daily goings on in your home. They know only what they see and hear, which is usually far from the whole truth.
    Just be strong, don't let yourself start believing the things they say. As I stated before, you know the truth and that's what matters.
    Maybe this is what he needs. In order to grow up he needs you to stop mothering him so he can be responsible for himself for a change. And I can tell that you need some well earned "me time". Maybe use this time as a chance to take an art or music class, or maybe even some mixed martial arts to let you get your frustrations out in a controlled way. You would be amazed at the benefits of a punching bag! lol
     
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