Hi, my name is Daniel and I want to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DanielC, Nov 29, 2007.

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  1. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    As i said, my name is daniel which is probably obvious by my pseudonym, and i want to die, which is obvious because i am A: here, and B: i told you so.

    Basically i believe i am broken. well...no, i know i'm broken. i don't know how or why, but i am absolutely incapable of actually finding happiness with the people around me. i am in this constant battle within myself against what i think is real, and what is actually real. the problem is i don't know what reality is. for all i know, i am surrounded by nothing, or in a coma in a hospital somewhere, or from fucking mars. i have no basis of grounding other than my knowledge of computers, into which i have driven the full fury of my hatred for myself. the end result is that the only thing i really know all that much about has been knowledge gained purely out of semi-force, and has very little to do with what i actually enjoy.

    its even getting to the point where i don't even think i'm worth the money my dad is paying for my college. everytime he gives me money i just want to fucking die because something in the back of my mind is telling me that i am nothing but a goddamn waste of life, that i am capable of great things but i am constantly mired in this utter clusterfuck of self-pity and depression.

    i don't want to hear a bunch of bullshit about how special i am, or how i actually matter because i know i don't. if i died right now, if i just said that is it i have had enough, there is absolutely nobody other than my family who would care. but i cannot live my life for them, i have to find a life for myself, and at this moment it just seems impossible.

    i'm taking cymbalta, but i don't want too. i don't like the stigma that goes with it even though it is perfectly true. i dunno. i'm just getting so utterly sick and tired of being this way. of being broken. all that i've typed here is only a fraction of the multitude of reasons i want to die.

    its actually weird that i am here. i don't really want to kill myself. i want to be put in a position where i die. i can't bring myself to kill myself because despite all of this, there is just something there saying that all of this junk going on in my head is false, that there really is something to look forwards to in my life. that there really is a person out there who can understand, who i can actually relate too, talk too, enjoy life with. its just something which i have to be patient for, i just don't know if i can wait that long. i just don't know.

    i dunno. i'm going to go just chill. i can't stand these feelings.
     
  2. lil-sis-one-of-two

    lil-sis-one-of-two Well-Known Member

    Hi welcome to SF.

    I am here if you wanna talk or get things off your chest.

    Send me a Private mesage anytime you want.

    Ebbie
    Xxx
     
  3. the_juggalo

    the_juggalo Account Closed

    yo welcome to sf hit me up if u need anything
     
  4. dreaming_star

    dreaming_star Member

    i joined today too, if you want to talk, it would be nice to hear from you ..
     
  5. xCraigeX

    xCraigeX Member

    join the club dreaming star. but your here - posting on the forums. you want things to get better. as do we all. right now i've decided to try and help others and confide in others before doing anything rash - i urge you do the same.
     
  6. notitleneeded

    notitleneeded New Member

    I think I get what your saying. It actually sounds pretty similar to my situation. write me an email or something if you want to talk.
     
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Living can be so overwhelming sometimes. I understand a lot of what you said. I have no solution other than to say that I understand your feelings as I feel the same way too often. I'm glad you found your way here tho as we're a good lot and you can make some good friends here. Perhaps it can help just to know you're not alone in how you feel. I wish I could do or say something "real" to help you but I can't, other than to be glad you found us and welcome to the forum. Come back often to vent your feelings.
     
  8. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    oh wow thanks for the fast replies. its so ef'd up at the moment, i don't really get it but today was just a repeat of past days. like a culmination of all the hate i have for myself, of who i see myself becoming or what i could become. i don't get why i can't reason my way out of this. i'm not stupid, but i constantly feel i am. i don't know.

    i just don't know wtf is going on.
     
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dan that's the thing depression really screws your mind and makes you feel like shit and hopeless,dude I'm with you all the way and want to say you can only try your best mate.I know how you're feeling and it's bloody hard to say the least,you're doing a sensational job because I know how difficult it is and if you could feel better in an instant you would no doubt about it.
     
  10. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Funny, my name is Daniel and my surname even starts with a C and I am close to giving up too.
     
  11. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Hello, DanielC. Welcome to SF. You've come to the right place. :hug:

    What we've all been saying is true. Depression screws with your brain and it makes you feel these things. I know exactly how you feel because I've written and felt it it myself. There are times that I feel worthless, feel pathetic... so I can empathize completely.

    As for Cymbalta... maybe it doesn't work for you. Maybe you need a stronger (or lesser) dose. You never know. It's worth getting checked out.

    You can PM me whenever you want. My PM box is open.

    Take care and hold on tight.
     
  12. Jadeaa

    Jadeaa New Member

    hi dan ma names jadeaa i noe wa u mean 100% bowt u dnt actually wan 2 kill urself ders bin tyms ive been so sad i tried self harming coz i fort physical pain wud b beta den any emotional pain i was giving myself. but theres tyms wen u wil be surprised how much sadness could push u. wun day it got 2 much n i actualy took a pain killer overdose. my boyfrend stopped me afta 9. im glad e did cz i din wana hurt him but ur ryt u cnt live ur life 4 sumwun else n as everyday cums i am tryin 2 try n figure out wa it is that keeps me ere. i av complete brek downs every few days wher i wud giv up my life ova sumin so small n if i dnt sit ther n remind myself these thoughts arent real i dnt mean it. jus try n focus on tha ew things that do make u hapy even if its just a lil smile or a happy thought xx
     
  13. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    Hey Daniel. I totally now what you mean. If you need to chat anytime, I'm here :]]

    Take care and keep strong,
    Tigga

    x
     
  14. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    thanks for all the replies :)

    i actually get alot of this personality from my mother, both genetically and from relationship complications in real life.

    its actually quite odd for me to see people communicate between one another. i always seem to feel as if there is nothing i can contribute to most conversations, i feel as if i have less of a real-world experience, less actual knowledge of life. marriage, children, girlfriends, concerts, celebrities, tv shows (well, i know some), drunken partying, all of the stuff which supposedly makes up a "life", i have absolutely no experience in. i can't help but think that part of my current predicament is my own fault for staying inside all the time and not going out to socialize with people.

    i think at least part of my feelings of brokenness come from this lack of "life" experience. i have seen and done alot in my day, i took three years off after highschool and worked full time where i did everything from unloading trucks from 4am till 9:30pm at night (two jobs), managed a computer store for a year, worked at a gas station, worked in sales at a big retail store etc. i've even been an intern for a rather large university in tennessee working with a small datacenter and all the people there. i have probably more "life" experiences than most people my age, but it seems like its all the wrong type. for instance, i had no idea who Mark Walberg was. why? because i don't particularly care who the fucking hell Mark Walberg is! (especially after i listened to his rap /wrist). however, the people i work with harassed me for it. they were completely joking, they had no sinister intentions, but i can't help but feel sort of embarrassed that i don't know these supposedly "common knowledge" things.

    i've also been to three colleges, one as part of my Senior year of high school in a program called Middle College, which was just essentially high school on a community college campus with greater freedom and much more eccentric and interesting teachers, then a year at ITT-Tech, and finally at UT Knoxville, where i am currently a 2nd semester freshmen. i've met so many different people, listened to them and learned from them, yet i don't keep in touch with any of them. but it seems like no matter how many people i talk too, i can't seem to bring myself to form a 'friendship'. it is almost always a very business like approach. theres something there i'm afraid of. afraid of some unknown terror.

    here its very different. i feel some urge to withhold, sure, but in the end you are all anonymous. you know my name is daniel and only the details i choose to divulge, nothing more. i guess there is comfort in that anonymity, but i know it cannot replace finding some way to deal with my demons in the real world. i have to find a way to keep my mind in perspective, keep it from just freelancing everything. i guess i need some sort of grounding.

    i dunno. i'm going to go see Beowulf 3D with from friends from work, and based off of the reviews i've heard it will either cure or cause cancer. so we'll see.
     
  15. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    we should form a club :p
     
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