As i said, my name is daniel which is probably obvious by my pseudonym, and i want to die, which is obvious because i am A: here, and B: i told you so. Basically i believe i am broken. well...no, i know i'm broken. i don't know how or why, but i am absolutely incapable of actually finding happiness with the people around me. i am in this constant battle within myself against what i think is real, and what is actually real. the problem is i don't know what reality is. for all i know, i am surrounded by nothing, or in a coma in a hospital somewhere, or from fucking mars. i have no basis of grounding other than my knowledge of computers, into which i have driven the full fury of my hatred for myself. the end result is that the only thing i really know all that much about has been knowledge gained purely out of semi-force, and has very little to do with what i actually enjoy. its even getting to the point where i don't even think i'm worth the money my dad is paying for my college. everytime he gives me money i just want to fucking die because something in the back of my mind is telling me that i am nothing but a goddamn waste of life, that i am capable of great things but i am constantly mired in this utter clusterfuck of self-pity and depression. i don't want to hear a bunch of bullshit about how special i am, or how i actually matter because i know i don't. if i died right now, if i just said that is it i have had enough, there is absolutely nobody other than my family who would care. but i cannot live my life for them, i have to find a life for myself, and at this moment it just seems impossible. i'm taking cymbalta, but i don't want too. i don't like the stigma that goes with it even though it is perfectly true. i dunno. i'm just getting so utterly sick and tired of being this way. of being broken. all that i've typed here is only a fraction of the multitude of reasons i want to die. its actually weird that i am here. i don't really want to kill myself. i want to be put in a position where i die. i can't bring myself to kill myself because despite all of this, there is just something there saying that all of this junk going on in my head is false, that there really is something to look forwards to in my life. that there really is a person out there who can understand, who i can actually relate too, talk too, enjoy life with. its just something which i have to be patient for, i just don't know if i can wait that long. i just don't know. i dunno. i'm going to go just chill. i can't stand these feelings.